Writing Checks

At some point you have to ask yourself if you’ve had enough.  At what point in life do you stop questioning everything.  At some point you succumb.  You bend over, clench and say ok.  When does that happen for me?  It hasn’t yet and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m ever going to be able to be like my father and mother.  When do I roll  over and let it happen. When do I stop fighting? At what point does the curtain come down and I realize the final act is over and I have to walk out of the theater and go back to reality?

That reality being the one where I don’t fight anymore.  When am I  supposed to have that happen to me?  I’d like to know.  Because quite honestly I’m ready to be a teabagger or some form of a schlepp that doesn’t care anymore and get’s into his “shiny metal box” [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbQd3jxth5k[/youtube]and drives to work each day.  Ignoring all the bullshit that his car cuts through along the way.  Pollution?  That’s bipartisan bullshit.  That isn’t real.  Cars don’t pullute.  Are you nuts?  The earth is warming on its own you dipshit.  When do I get to drive down the road with MY blinders on?  When  do I get to start ignoring the 20 x 20 foot sign telling me I need to get my wife a ring?  The sign that says I have to buy that new car?   That sign that says I need to go to Delaware Park and put money in a machine that is guaranteed to win only 30% of the time by LAW!  When?  When do I become a pliable cell easily maliable to whatever the media I am bombarded with tells me to become?  I want to drive and be that guy that says 2 days later, “Hey you know I should go to DP and blow my check on the slots, because if I win I will be rich and all my problems will be solved”  I’m ready lord.  Implant stupid now.  I’ve been saving for a while now I think I have enough to get that surgery. Screw the penal implant, you porn doesn’t care how big it is. I’m ready for teh stupid. Bring it! Size triple moron!

I want to be like that man.  Where do I sign up?  Is there some store in between Hollister and Banana Republic going up before Christmas that I can shop for that at? I’m putting money in my Christmas account for just that.  Banks are good with money, so what could possibly go wrong? It seems awesome to me to work and work and work and work for years and years and years only to be let go from the company you poured your sweat and tears into.  What could be better than working for a company for 15 years and always giving 110% because that is what you had to give or you got a bad perfomance appraisal and risked being put on notice and then being  let go.  It doesn’t get any better than that man.  Free Market baby. Unions are pointless now. Ownership society. Wheeeeeeeeeeee.

What?  What are you crying for Erin?  Ohhhh, 15 years.  Dumb ass?  Why were you loyal?  huh?  What’s that?  Oh, they expected it?  Who did?  Your manager.  Oh, where is he?  Looking for work?  He is?…Ohhh, but he hopes to double dip?  Oh, good luck.  Hopefully he will be able to pay off that credit card.  Pension wha?????  Ahhh who cares I have a 401k….hey, at least he was able to double dip for 3 months. When he is 70 and only has Social Security (assuming he didn’t vote Republican) he can look back and remember the days he double dipped with fondness and nostalgia. As he turns to his wife with breathing tubes jetting out her every orifice. What’s that honey I can’t here you beyond that mucusy mumble you made. Your breathing tube seems to be caught on some strained peas. huh? Yes, it was great 35 years ago when I made that extra 2k. I remember we got to go to Dewey for a 4 day weekend.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4iNQC_XJ2k&feature=related[/youtube]

When?  When does it happen to me.  I want to be that ditsy house wife I see at the Y around 10 am.  They don’t pay me any mind either but I pay attention to them….yummy.  Their princess cut diamond rings in a platinum setting shining like a beacon that says I’m taken…………………..
care of.  One boy and one girl.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Life is perfect.  When does the glaze of stupidity befall my mind and I become like one of those people?  Because, I want to be that person.  I don’t want to read anymore.  I don’t want to hear the news people talk about how my General Assembly is worried about the Casino’s not making enough money but not listening to the thousands of state employees a majority of which make around 40k bitch and moan about an 8% tax cut. I want to be worried if I have to much back fat and my husband wont love me for who I am.

Please god.  Strike dumbness down on me. NOW god damnit. NOW. I need a heaping dose of it. I want to be a beautiful person.  I DON’T CARE ANYMORE….[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mchcbvOCo5I&feature=PlayList&p=476355399A2D7E09&index=0[/youtube] I don’t.  Why bother.  What is the point anymore.  We have nothing but a bunch of corporate lackeys fighting for, for, for trickle down economics.  Yes that’s right and the rest of the sheeple have bought into it.  We need the rich to make the world go round.  We NEED THEM TO FUNCTION! I can barely wipe my ass without a rich person bequeathing their wisdom down upon me. Why, without them…gasp…we would have nothing.

Well excuse me, but you can tell everyone I’m a darn disgrace,can drag my name all over the place. I don’t care anymore, you can tell everyone about the state I’m in you wont catch me crying I just can’t win.  I don’t care anymore.  We never played the same rules anyway.

Rules?  what rules.  Really?  The rules that apply to who?  The ones that make them?  Please spare me.   Thousands of people are going to have thousands of dollars cut from their annual salaries and people in Dover caved to a CASINO?  A fucking  CASINO.  I don’t care anymore. And those same idiots rallied a day after the Casino vote. They almost deserve it. What? Were they hoping that the GA was going to do right by them. Then, when the votes were cast they decided, “Now we take action” Jesus, bunch of idiots man.

The rich create jobs.  Even our Governor gives his ear to senior executives.  Because why?  Well, because god Forbid you upset that balance.  Oh my, could you imagine if you didn’t cave into the rich.  My gosh, they, they, they could…could…make less money.  OH MY GOD!!!! WHAT!  That’s communism!   You want to spread the wealth?  Are you nuts?  The wealthy create jobs and if we do something to their payroll taxes oh my…they won’t be able to operate! the will have to layoff people or or or or or god forbid, cut dividends. Holy cow, how is a bank supposed to make money in this state if they have their taxes raised!  If there isn’t a bigger crock of shit for sale on this planet then I will work for McDonald’s and tell you that it was a career choice because it taught me the value of hard work.  Get out of my way. I don’t care anymooooowhoahhh

I served my country.  I drove a submarine around the North Atlantic for months on end.  Yes I even did it in my fucking sleep.  I remember that I even listened to Clinton Tell me “The cold war is over” as I played Hunt for Red October between 92 and 96 and rolled die to keep the Russians guessing.  Yes, bullshit.  And the conservatives bought it.  Yep, Clinton a big pussy.  He rolled over and did nothing.  Yet there I was driving, yes literally, Me donviti at the helm of a billion dollar machine, roaming around the North Atlantic under Clinton the big pussy that didn’t kill Osama.  Yep, he didn’t care about national defense.  I think the biggest raise I got was just over 2% under Slick Willy.  Awesome, if anything he cared as much about the people serving as W. did.  At least Bill didn’t get as many of them killed.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU1gpboHUV8[/youtube]

I remember being in the Torpedo Room jamming on my sony cd player to this music above me.  Master of puppets.  Disposable hero.  One.  Over and over.  4am.  Grinding on the treadmill to the point I’d almost faint.  Pushing my body to the point of fatigue and then one step beyond.  Trying to uncloud the madness and get through the darkness.  Doing pushups on the diamond deck while $1,000,000 Tomahawks rested to my right and left, above and below as well as loaded in #1 and #3.  All the while banging to this music.  Thrusting and pushing myself beyond the limits my heart could take.  There was nothing left to do but pound it out.  Get out the madness of my brain and try to bring fatigue to a restless mind that new what I was doing was horseshit. Push through the reality that is my life.  Push through what is real and just live in the now.  The literal now.  Become like the rest of them.  Dopes.  Lemmings.  Useful idiots.  Accept that I was just a number.  I was nothing but a disposable lump of flesh that was meant to defend and die if need be.  What the fuck was I doing I would say to myself as I curled 10lb lead discs that were duct taped together and were really meant for helping sink trash to the bottom of the ocean.  One after another banging them out and trying to erase the part of my brain that knew what was going on.  The reality of life.  The macro.

Understanding the macro and unable to live in the micro.  The big picture is the enemy and I can’t avoid it.   Being able to deep dive into the little and make that be your life.  When does that happen?  When am I supposed to really believe that teaching little Johny how to swing a bat and hit a ball is for the greater good and will make him a swell human being that isn’t just muttering through life making enough money to pay the bills and fill the 2nd level Maslow said was Ohh so important in life.  Please. Someone?  Anyone?  How do you do it?  How do you make it so? I hope I raise Johny to make just enough money to not give a shit about poor people and blame them for being the way they are.

When is it going to happen?  I want to know.  When do you accept that the course the ship[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAAHuZ3zhjo[/youtube] is sailing, is the one you have to head on? When am I going to be able to search for tomorrow and be at peace?  When, oh lord can I try to carry on?  At what point do you decide, “You know what screw it this is where the boat is going and I’m on it”  Please?  GOD!?  Tell me?  Where is my captain that leads me to the land I want to be on?  How long do I muddle through before I don’t care.  When do I look to the sea and look back at the memories and say, “Ahhhhh, yep life was good I’m glad I did XYZ and didn’t do ABC like that poor godless bastard did”  The reflections in the waves are sparking no memories I want to relive.  The shattered lives of Americans that have bought into the bullshit sold to them hurts me.  Why do we keep electing the same Captains?  Why?

I guess I have to try the best that I can to carry on.  Right?  That’s what you are going to tell me right?  Life isn’t perfect DV.  At least we aren’t China.  At least you don’t live in Afghanistan.  Right.  Thanks.  I feel better now.  What’s that Dana?  I have a Cell Phone?  Oh, right I feel better knowing that what our forefathers founded this country on has been twisted and contorted into some disgusting red light district show where a tranny shoves a cucumber up her ass while blowing himself at the same time.  That is what the country has become to me.  Some bizarre side show that is an experiment gone wild.  We are that now and we are more than happy to acknowledge the warped pleasure we get from being better than “that” other country. It is good enough because if we were that we wouldn’t get to be as happy as we are now?

I just thank god that I have a multi-billion dollar drug company up the road able to sell me a pill that allows me to believe that life is ok and my penis will perform for 4 hours.  Even though my wife is fine with 2……..

minutes.

I want to be able to just move on.  Accept it.  [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkuOAY-S6OY[/youtube].  It has to be ok right?  I mean Christians and Jesus freaks don’t care about fellow man only unborn man right.  To quote my father, “What we need to do is just blow them all the hell up”. Jesus would be proud Pop.  I couldn’t agree more.  Save the babies fuck the whales. Killing in the name of….

What is the point? It makes no sense.  I went to Catholic School and listened to Sister Martin Joseph and her macaroni breath tell me that Jesus was born in a manger and he was sent down a river in a basket then roamed the earth for 40 years with a gold calf in his hand until God had him read 15 sentences and then he dropped a page and there was only 10 of them.  Then after that you weren’t supposed to kill people, have sex with your mother and think that your best friends sister was hot.  After that the dude ate crickets and painted blood crosses over the doorways of the good Jews that didn’t know where jesus lived. Next thing you knew he was hanging from a cross and someone was telling a joke about a bad way to spend a Sunday. Then pretty soon I am praying for a gameboy and hoping an 8 foot bunny leaves a chocolate rooster in my shoes.

That pretty much sums up Catholic school for me.  I did miss the class where a Nuclear Holocaust was ok as long as it was to kill people that weren’t Catholic.  However it makes sense as I do a little reflecting.  Anyone that isn’t catholic is going to hell so, if you are going to kill people, as long as they weren’t Catholic they were going to hell regardless.  Heh, I get it now.  Killing zygotes is wrong because they didn’t have a choice.  Killing a bunch of brown Muslims with towels on their head is ok becuase they knew that not being Catholic was going to lead to eternal damnation.

Those that die were justified…

Ok, fine I get it.  It’s bad.  But then when I watch TV and those same priests busy telling me that abortion is bad, sex is bad unless it’s to make babies and using the lord’s name in vain was awful were busy playing guess the size of my Mr. Testicleez with my best friend at 5am only minutes after the dudes mother dropped him off for one of the morning masses during 40 hours or some weird bullshit the church was always doing. That I had to go to church for and I had to beg for forgivness and if  didn’t I was going to rot in hell with the devil inserting foreign objects in every orifice that a priest wanted to.

Oh and Hey? WTF happened to my guardian angel anyway?  Most times I left a space for that SOB in church, but that dude never protected me from the massive beatings I took for whatever dumb thing I did after school and my dad was tired of after he was putting in 60 hours a week with one of his three jobs.  Where the hell was that guy then?  David I think I called him.  SHIT!  I just realized, he might not have been named David at all!?  Crap!  I guess I deserved it.  It made me a better Catholic regardless.  Look at me now Jesus!  You were right after all. Yahweh…it’s the only way.

Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me?  Why should I? Huh?  What is the point?  You are only going to do what you want given enough money. When I do it, I get life in prison. [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-mxBDuRaZ8[/youtube]  I guess I have to just grin and bear it huh?  When though?  When does my jaw slack?  When do my teeth get worn down from the grinding? When do I relax the muscles and allow the knots to unfurl? At what point do I atrophy and no longer allow my body to hold fast?

I’m waiting?  I’m waiting?  I’m marching on to the sun.  Left foot, left foot, left foot…right.  One after the other I keep going.  “WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT BEBOPPING BULLSHIT DONVITI?  ‘YOU BETTER MARCH RIGHT MOTHER FUCKER”  And so I do temporarily.  Being cautious not to step on the heels of the person ahead of me.  Not turning around to see who is behind me.  Not looking left at the buildings.  The mess hall, the other recruits that are weaks ahead of me and have learned what it takes.  Here I am lord, limping along the way. Take me. Mold me. You are the potter I am the gay.  The pain in my ankle blazing hot, each stride I try to focus on not ‘bebopping’ and not tripping on the slow asshole ahead of me.  Just march Donviti.  Just march you dumb SOB.  Roll over.  As my foot catches the heal of the poor sole ahead of me.  My ankle rolls again. I can’t bebop to tide the pain.  I can’t be the me they want me to be. It hurts to much.  I have to succumb though!  The pain is worse, but I can show the pain.  I am becoming the group.  I am becoming the company I keep.  Be in the herd.  Don’t stand out.  Just do it and shut the fuck up.

When though?  [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAvvlMIDj1g[/youtube]  I’m not marching to that beat.  I never was able to.  I’m banging at the frame that is trying to hold me in and capture me.  That is trying to capture a picture of me.  The frame that holds the vision of me as someone else sees me. As someone else wants to see me.  I want to keep moving fast enough to never be in  focus.  To never be taken hold of and caught in a moment of weakness.  March me all you want.  [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGWoApssVlk&feature=related[/youtube]

I’m donviti and I’m never going to beat to someone else’s drum….