Why I’m just about the coolest f’ing blogger there is

Filed in National by on July 9, 2009

I mean, I don’t know, I’m pretty god damn sure I’m the coolest blogger there is. What do you think about that. One of the most powerful sentences there ever was. Right there. First. Fuck that “it was the best of times it was the worst of times shit” Screw the shit about clocks striking 13. That’s so weak. So fucking European to think that stringing together a few words so pathetic my weeds in my lawn could recite them. All those sentences you hear buffoons recite are the first sentence. Aren’t they. You know, those pantie waste nerdy bitches that are trying to impress you by making you think that they are smart and esoteric in some hip way. You know why they can only recite the first sentence? You know Why? Because that’s all the they know. They don’t anything in the rest of the god damned book besides the author’s name. I’m the coolest because I know you are full of shit.

So, the question you are asking is why the hell did he just write what he wrote. Well, because I know it. You know it and the rest of the bitches that come here know it too. As soon as they see my brilliance explode all over them it has hit them. Reality. The riddle solve. My enigmaism has been defined. While I knew it all along. Making you look even dumber.

Listen, It’s not hard. I’m know it for a fact. Cooler people than you, know they are cool because they can pull it off. They know they have what it takes to make it happen and to command as stoically as Sean Connery in “Hunt For Red October”. Which was right at the pinnacle of his career and not soon after where Will Farrell bitch slapped him with his coolness and mocked Connery into forever being linked to a bitch slapper (ala John Atkins) and mockery of over caricatured Irish Drunks.

I’m the coolest blogger there is because I was there when it happened. That definitive moment when I saw it. It was I. I was awesome. I’m awesome. Everything was fucking awesome. I’m cool. -1 x -1 = positive bitch. Positive I’m the coolest.

You see, as I started to say a few sentences ago, I’m cool because I know you know that I can expose your weak shit you bring for exactly what it is. I know you. I know what you think. I know how you think you are better than me. Than everyone. I see you for what you are and I know. You know it. Bang. I’m cooler than you.

You see, I get it. I know you get it. You know I get it. I know that you know that because I know and live the way I live that I’m the shit. Don’t get that? tough, I do which makes me cooler by far. I’m the coolest F’ing blogger here and now. I’m so cool I don’t need exclamation points to signify how cool I am. I’m so cool I’m typing this with a 1948 Macallan on the table a whiff away. I have the keys to the cool kingdom and only few people I know are with me behind the door you only wish you could even touch your soft non-calloused hands on. Those of you that hung a few weekends ago and have in the past know. You can vouch. Testify. Verify and Unify.

I’m the coolest. Sorry. I’m not finishing last in the race you want me to run. I’m making you follow me like a 8 week puppy follows its master. I’m still here. You aren’t. I walk the path I want to walk because. I can. I swagger. I saunter. Yes, that’s fucking right. Saunter.

Next.

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Comments (33)

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  1. Von Cracker says:

    As I told McCain:

    If you insist on repetitively telling me who and what you are, you’re probably not.

    lol

  2. Our country has holidays several times a year as a reminder of how awesome it is. Consider this a friendly reminder.

  3. Joanne Christian says:

    But wait…last year you were the hottest…now your the coolest…just keep me posted.

  4. nemski says:

    Donviti is showing Pornstache how to cut and paste creatively!

  5. anonone says:

    You feeling a bit insecure today?

  6. never and in my presence you will.

  7. grunk says:

    There’s a minute and a half of my life I’ll never get back.

  8. Delaware Dem says:

    So, you’re cool, and have difficulty with commas.

    Good to know.

    😉

  9. Delaware Dem says:

    By the way, I am dismayed by the shortening of your name. In your next incarnation, I was expecting Donsquishymishycoolihottiyouknowitihusseiniviti.

  10. making fun of mike protack says:

    NOOO YOU ARENT YOU COMMIE! *slobber* *fart* YOU ARENT as cool as my lover mike castle! *garble garble slobber*

  11. bovarian says:

    You’re a twice married (soon to be twice divorced) dumb fucking fat wop who lives in Wilmington, Delaware.

    Sorry….did I miss something?

  12. Von Cracker says:

    🙄
    wow, what an asshole.

    and I think he has papers.

  13. pandora says:

    Bovarian is so not cool.

  14. Bovarian definitely isn’t cool.

    Pandora is Delaware’s hottest blogger.

    I’m Delaware’s newest blogger?

  15. Jason330 is Delaware’s most Amish blogger.

  16. anonone says:

    You would feel downright feverish in my presence.

  17. TommyWonk says:

    It seems like just a year ago, you were Delaware’s self-proclaimed hottest blogger. Sorry that didn’t work out.

  18. bovarian says:

    Amish don’t have man-boobs.

  19. anon says:

    bovarian = cow-lover

  20. callerRick says:

    If “brevity is the soul of wit,” where does that put you? You surely aced your “self esteem” classes, but people who talk about how “cool” they are, aren’t. Sort of like a 14-year-old’s hot air.

  21. Art Downs says:

    Is gratuitous vulgarity really hot?

    I am certainly no prude but there is a time and place for everything.

    If Sister Mary Elephant whacks her thumb with a hammer while hanging a religious painting and yells ‘M-F’, the words have a powerful impact. If the phrase is repeatedly used as a filler in conversation, it marks the utterer as an oafish lout.

  22. Dave M. says:

    Wait a minute, wait a minute. Did I glean from the above posts and responses that DV has gotten fat? If so, I’m tearing down my poster and putting Brad Pitt back up.

  23. Delaware Dem says:

    Not in comparision to me.

  24. nemski says:

    Art Downs asked Is gratuitous vulgarity really hot?

    Apparently, if one is 14 years old. 😉

  25. Joanne Christian says:

    WWWHHHHAAAATTTT you have a poster of Hef? I never knew he did cameos–there were always bookend blondes, and gravitational girls all around when I last saw him. He wasn’t doing that male porn stuff too was he? Hef?? Answer please.
    You don’t want this story to break like a Republican do you?

  26. Geezer says:

    “Is gratuitous vulgarity really hot?”

    Fuckin’ A.

  27. Geezer says:

    The poll doesn’t have a choice of “both.”

  28. Rich Boucher says:

    I need to make this clear:

    DonV may very well be taller than I am.

    DonV may very well have more money than I do.

    DonV may possibly have had more women than I have had.

    But I’m the cooler one.

  29. jason330 says:

    I like that this post uses quantitative as well as qualitative reasoning.

  30. Rich Boucher says:

    Also, there’s this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7_bt2ZJ_ho

    Put that ^ in your cool pipe and smoke it, Mr. Squishy.

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