Decision Making In Shades Of Gray – Is It Time?
I’m a decisive person. Give me a choice and I’ll make it – quickly and, in most cases, easily. Raising children means constant decision making. So yeah, I’ve had some practice.
But now I’m facing a decision that’s far from clear cut. Our dog, a black lab mix (aka mutt) is fourteen years old. She has hip dysplasia, a torn ACL (surgery wasn’t an option due to her age, but she is on medication), is partially blind, and almost completely deaf. She also appears confused and easily frightened – and just for fun, she is now having trouble controlling her bowels. Lucky me! None of these symptoms is life threatening. And we won’t make a decision in the name of convenience (altho, some days I want to).
Due to her hip dysplasia/ACL tear, she has trouble getting up from a resting position. She still attempts stairs, but usually ends up stuck, or worse, sliding backwards down them. Trying to keep her downstairs while we go to bed results in her howling loud enough to wake the dead – and the neighbors. Lately, Mr. Pandora has been carrying a 70lb dog up the stairs. At the beach, I’ve been placing pieces of Beggin’ Strips on every other step and supporting her weight as she slowly makes the climb – which we only let her do three times a day. Dog’s gotta go potty.
And here’s where things get tricky. Helping her to her feet/up the stairs causes her pain – enough pain for her to growl and snap. I get it. We’re hurting her while trying to help her. And yeah, I’ve banned the kids from assisting the dog.
We’ve been in this holding pattern for several months, then… yesterday, she refused to come back inside the house. She simply stood in the torrential rain and stared at me. This behavior was so off for her – a dog who, in the past, would “hold it” until the rain stopped suddenly didn’t… well… um… have enough sense to come in from the rain. Even worse, when I tried to coax her in, she growled and became defensive. Which leads me to this blog post.
Is it time? We had her at the vet a month ago and he said it wasn’t time yet. And most of the time she’s an old dog who sleeps a lot and doesn’t bother anyone. She’s still loving and sweet 98% of the time, but the moments when she’s not cause me concern. Basically, none of her conditions are life threatening – and, believe me, there are days I wish they were because then I wouldn’t have to make a decision – it would be made for me.
It would go something like this: Person: “Oh no, I just heard you had to put your dog down.” Me: “Yeah, it was so sad, but we had no choice. She had terminal (fill in the blank) and was in constant pain. We couldn’t let her suffer.”
But that’s not where we’re at. And yeah, I know decision time is rapidly approaching, but I’m not sure if that time is today… next week… next month… next year…
Okay, I know it won’t be today. I’m returning to Wilmington on August 14th (Cross Country for the 16 year old and back to college for my son) so that’s when I’ll need to really think this through. Until then, the dog will stay home during the week with Mr. Pandora. And the dog does do better in Wilmington than at the beach – ground floor living during the day is easier for her – until bedtime and the howling!
Any advice would be appreciated.
Tags: Dogs
I can’t, and no one can, tell you what to do. But here are some things to consider:
In dog years, she is 98 years old. She has had a nice, long life with a loving family.
She is dying. Yes, there is no specific disease. But she is wasting away with various functions, organs and limbs failing. Soon, she will not be able to walk, or see, or hear, or eat. She is dying from natural causes.
You say she is already snapping at you because of the pain, even though she is already on pain medication? Soon, she will bite one of you because of the instinct. The pain is only going to get worse.
I think you feel guilty about putting her to sleep because you think it is all about easing your suffering. No. This is about easing the dog’s suffering. She is obviously suffering, and the suffering is only going to get worse.
I am very sorry to hear of is struggle. From what you say, it indeed sounds like it is time. This is an awful time for us humans..for this is the hardest time to not know what the animal, often our best friend, is thinking and needing.
We once had a dog whose time had come, and who knew it before we did. We went to the beach and left our two dogs with our inlaws, who lived in the woods. One day that weekend the older dog went into the woods and didn’t return. That is what animals do when their time is up. It sounds like your dog’s actions at that rainy threshold was similar..he was ready to not return.
Good luck with this very difficult situation. It sucks.
First, thank you for your heartfelt, wonderful advice. It means the world to me.
I’ve called the vet again (Yeah, I’m trying to punt) and am waiting to hear back. I almost made the decision last month, but when he said it wasn’t time that threw me for a loop. I even said, “Are you sure?” I felt all kinds of awful asking that question!
Oh Pandora, I’m so sorry. It sounds like she is worse than when I last saw her. This is so very heartbreaking and it won’t get better for awhile.
I had to put down a beloved dog who had developed bone cancer. He had a tough time walking, controlling his bowels and was just increasingly helpless. It was just his time — he was an active and mostly friendly guy who was clearly miserable. Letting him go broke my heart, but it was the only thing I could do to help him. And now I’m at my desk crying my eyes out.
Good luck, P. This is so very hard.
ps. If you are thinking about letting her go soon, you might want to do it before the kids go off in their various directions so they have a good chance to say goodbye.
Pandora: if the roles were reversed, what would you want? That is probably a good guide; for though there is no rhyme or reason for it, in the weave of life, how you decide to treat others is often how fate treats you later.
It’s worth remembering that animals don’t have the same understanding of death that we do. They understand fear and survival and safety and pain and all that, but they most likely don’t understand the finality of it all.
Given that, I agree with DD. If she is in pain, the kindest thing to do is end the pain. I recently had to say goodbye to a 17 year old cat (crazy). Similar deterioration of ability and “personality”. It was hard, but we’re supposed to out-live our pets. I don’t think the vet should have questioned your decision on the matter.
For what it’s worth, it doesn’t take long. You make the appointment, go to the center and you’re leaving within a half hour. It’s painless for the animal. They just fall asleep.
Good luck.
It’s time.
I know what you are going through and you have my sympathy. My dog is turning twelve. Every month you notice more and more problems. She has cataracts in both eyes, will randomly limp around the house, and has her share of accidents.. Its still so hard to let it go and say goodbye. Your dog sounds like she is ready.
Since you already made me cry today, I’ll leave you this poem by Jimmy Stewart: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3unTt67nxg
Recently went through this with our 15 year old cat. It is a no win situation. He was in real pain and in the end having him die calmly with us holding him was the right thing for us. Sorry you are in this situation.
Once again, thank you for all the kind words and advice – Except you, Steve! 😉
I should hear from my vet by the end of today – guess I’m waiting for an “expert” opinion. Mr. Pandora is sorta on the fence, which makes sense since that dog is the only thing in this house that loves him no matter what!
No matter what we decide, Cassandra is correct. Barring any unforeseen crisis, we’ll wait for the kids to get home. Have I mentioned how much I hate this?
First and foremost, my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family and to say thanks for all the compassion and thought you’ve been putting into making this decision. As a life-long animal lover and having faced similar situations far too many times in years past, I understand you’re looking for someone, an expert, anyone, to give you the ‘OK’ to say the time has come. We, as humans, never seem to be ready to make that choice for our furry family members, we want to hold onto hope that tomorrow will be better, they’ll get a spring in their step, have a recovery and be like we remember them, running, playing, doing all those things that bring smiles to our faces and warmth to our hearts.
With all you’ve said and with the way in which you’ve described the manner in which Puppy Pandora is now acting, very different and obviously in pain doing simple tasks, I think you’re “there” at finally making the heart wrenching decision. Know that no matter what anyone says, I think we as pet parents, owe them to be there when the time comes and I’ve done it myself too many times to want to remember, and yeah, I cried each and every time, but holding them in your arms as they slip into sleep, is the least we can do as they depart our lives, but not our memories.
Pandora, again, you have my heartfelt sympathy and remember that when the pain starts to wane, you and your family will be ready to welcome another loveable mutt in to your family and hearts. Sincere regards, Mark
Thank you, Mark. Your comment made me cry.
I spoke with our vet… it’s time. 🙁
Pandora, I’m late seeing this. I am truly sorry you are in this crossroads of decision making. Pain is no way to live or be remembered. Care and comfort is what you have provided for that dog throughout his and your childrens’ lives. In an animal’s mind, don’t you think he may be “wondering” “Hey, Mrs. Owner Pandora–I’m hanging in here like a good dog at your side, but where’s the care and comfort you always provided me? Run out the last couple of weeks? C’mon–chop chop–you know what to do for me–and you are embarassing me and making me feel bad the kids see me snap”. I know you say “they understand”…….but I don’t and I hurt–real bad” woofie wimper……aw geez, I’m gonna lose my stool…….give me some cover”.
And lastly pandora–after puppy drifts off, having been stuck in the state you describe prior to passing, after a few days—you will wish you had done it sooner for him. I did. I promise.
My thoughts are with all of you. A tender chapter.
“Life begins when the kids are grown and the dog dies.” — Erma Bombeck
I have what I hope is a healthy attitude about pets. I don’t think they are “like a human,” or “like another child” or “a member of the family.” The vet down the road from us has built a palatial veterinary center off the delusion pets are like children. They are just pets, living with us under the ancient bargain of domestication. We have an 14yo cat, and I am ready for the Lord of Cats to come get him. And if he keeps missing the litterbox I may kill him myself.
When the cat developed thyroid disease (which by the way makes him throw up regularly), they wanted to give him a 3k treatment using radiation to destroy his overactive thyroid, that would leave him unable to come home for three days because he would be too radioactive. We opted for medicine instead, although I do regret passing up scads of good jokes about him having nine half-lives. I guess he might have picked up some superpowers, although night vision is already a pretty good one. And being able to lick you own balls. I never thought he would live this long on the medicine, so now I call him our $2000/year cat.
He’s still active and alert though, still chasing after birds and squirrels (through our patio window) despite arthritis, and the kids love him. So I will keep following him around with a roll of Bounty and spray cleaner for a little while longer.
Choose…..LIFE!
SYH…..THAT WAS SHITTY,if I misread it sorry but if it was mean as I read it shame on you.
pandora…..been thru this too, it’s sad and painful. I was call the vet every other day…..
My gut said it was time, my head said no.
What I had to do was pit myself in the dogs place…….he is a loving sweet animal, dogs are social pack animals and will mask pain and illness until they cannot anymore.
My dogs became incontinient, and every time he had an accident he looked crushed, as he was trained not to go in the house.
He knew he was shutting down, but tried to mask it anyway…
It was my love for him, my sadness at his loss of control that made me make the decision to have him rest easy, in death.
You dog has snapped at you out of pain and fear…..I am sure your dog feels shame for this…no folks I am not saying dogs are human BUT their limbic system is closet to ours, they so have similar feelings.
He cannot know what is happening to him, and you cannot explain it to him.
The decision should always focus on what is best for the dog, not the person
I only hope that our society progress to the point that when I need the same kindness and consideration , it is available for me.
I wish you the best ……. You will make the decision appropriate for you have your family…..and I will wish you the best, for you , the pandora family and pandora doggie
HUGS
@P “then… yesterday, she refused to come back inside the house. She simply stood in the torrential rain and stared at me.”
When my dog was dying, she went to the neighbor’s yard and lay hidden in the snow. We had to hunt to find her, because she couldn’t go far. She would not come when called and had to be carried back.
In retrospect, she was trying to put herself down. If we had not found her, she would have died then and there and it would have been her choice. I regret violated that choice by forcing her back into a warm loving home. It would have been a better end than what she got.
I consider my animals as members the of the family requiring no more or less consideration than the humans in my family. That they are not human is not relevant, at least to me. In my view, they are similar to children in that I incur an obligation and responsibility to them because they are incapable of being responsible for themselves. With animals, in some ways, the weight is greater because people make life and death decisions, often with financial considerations the deciding factor. For me, there are no limits to what I would do, financial or otherwise.
In Pandora’s situation it sounds like a quality of life decision that while agonizing for her, brings relief and peace to her dog. I have faced that decision before. I know I’ll face it again. I hate it.