Jesus Christ!

Holy shit people!  (no pun intended) I’m panting here.  I can barely catch my breath while you are reading this I saw a sign. I am not shitting you I saw a sign.  Ok, so let me set the stage for you.  There I was driving over to my brother’s pizza and pasta joint.  (haha away, yes, I’m Italian and my brother owns a pizza joint, I’m offended and as well as being hot and Italian I for one am against all stereotypes) 

 So here we were puttering along Rt 49 in NJ headed towards Salem and I’m driving away talking to my wife about the days non events when BAM  I see a sign.  I didn’t know what to do.  I told my wife we have to get a picture of it.  This thing was erie.  We didn’t get the picture unfortunately for you. 

But, you see this whole sign business started yesterday when we were at the beach.  Yes the beach ,not the shore for all you non delaware rejects!  The beach, the thing with sand that around the world is known by the word BEACH, try telling someone in Mexico you are going to the sure.  They will look at you like you are missing something.  I don’t go to the sure, people I go to the beach.  When I ask my daughter if she wants pizza she doesn’t say “beach” she says, “sure”. 

 Right, right,  back to the story, (i’m still breathing heavy, I ran to my laptop to share this with you!)  So there we were at the beach getting ready to spend my dad’s hard earned money on a beach house that I rightly deserve.  I look at as my payment for being called retarded, asked if I was stupid the first 10 years of my life and the countless spankings I recieved for spilling milk, beating up my sister and just being a stupid retard most of my life.  My dad is a very nice guy, but I paid quite a price during my childhood and a beach house is little reward for the abuse I took.  Being the big man that I am I am willing to look past all those sins for some serious vacation property. 

So my dad, getting ready to spend his money as a way to repay his bad debts as a father, is plopping down countless thousands of dollars he loses the deal right then and there before mine eyes.  Not seconds before was finished and make the final signature, litterally seconds before he was done I figured it was safe to call my brother and tell him the glorious news.  I was calling my brother and telling him Vinny, you aren’t going to believe this dad is literally signing the papers right now to buy a house!  “No shit?”, “No shit”!  It was a glorious occasion to be shared with all my family.  I was getting a beach house!  WE, we were getting a beach house.  OHHHHH how wonderful this was, is, will be!

  Now to set this up a little better you have to understand something.  For the better part of my life, my father has spent just about every summer of his adult life saying he is going to buy a beach house.  He never does for one reason or another, yet finds himself down at the beach a considerable amount of time.  He has found any number of excuses to not buy one, the only excuse he has never used…..that he can’t afford it.  Go figure?

 About 6 years ago I thought I had him.  My money, woops, His money was as good as spent man.  We almost, woops, He almost had a place at what is called Bear Trap Dunes.  Yes, Bear trap dunes, a pretty well known golf course now around the Rehoboth area.  Back then the homes were going for somewhere around $380k.  Yes a heck of a lot of money.  I spent a considerable amount of my time “consulting” with my father and the deal was about to be inked.  I was unable to go with him the weekend he was going to sign the contract but it didn’t matter I sold my dad on this place.

It was a no brainer at the time, with a gauranteed source of income from the old geezers up and down the coast that would pay rent money to play golf at the course.  My dad would have had to spend a minimal amount for this investment.  What happened you ask on that fateful weekend?  Bear Trap raised the prices of their homes $20k!  Yes, and the agent selling the homes, get this! was SNOOTy with my dad! 

 Well, my dad showed her, he didn’t buy a single home from her!  That served her right!  that snob!  Oh, what are the homes fetching for today?  6 years later?  Only $700k!  But my dad showed her yes he did!  I told him just this weekend that too!  I said Dad, “You showed her!”  I think he wanted to call me a stupid retard, but…..

So fast forward 6 years and I wasn’t letting this fish off the hook.  As I said this money is going to get spent before he dies!  So we are inking, Woops!  He is inking the deal for a house, literally I shit you not, he is signing a deal to buy a house and wouldn’t you fucking know it!  The agent walks in and said it was gone. 

Gone!?  WTF do you mean?!  Gone!? OMG! GoNE!  My hopes, my dreams of ever having a beach house are gone!  Gone.  On the way home my father a devout catholic was trying to find ways to ease his pain.  He was finding all ways in the world that it was not meant to be.  When finally he said, “I’m tellin ya, it’s a sign!  Somethin wasn’t right and it WAS a Sign”

 Finally my wife and I.  (I married her to help me be able to put pressure on him for just these occassions)  My wife and I are in the car and we said yes it is a sign.  A sign to buy the 2nd house we saw that day.  This house was much better suited for my wife and I.  My dad would be ok in it I guess, but really, he is old and when we have to take care of him in 10/20 years, we are going to need to be comfortable spending his money and living in his beach house. 

 So as we were leaving the restaurant  where we had just eaten dinner, a dinner that we made him pay for as our consulting fee,  we pressured him (after 3 beers) to put in an offer on the other house.  The other house that we liked is in a perfect situation for predatory buyers like ourselves.  The owners are in a nasty divorce situation and the people live in New York city (no doubt disgusting elite liberals that aren’t honoring the sacred bond that God meant for a Man and Woman ONLY) So these heathens from NY want to get out of their 2nd home.  My hope is that they hate each other as much as my ex wife and I hate each other.  If so, then they will be willing to take a big loss on the home to get away from each other forever.  I know I would, and I prayed today for just that type of hatred!

We have to submit (woops did it for real that time) My dad is getting ready to submit an offer tomorrow for the 2nd house that we really liked and my fingers are crossed that things are going to work out right.  He is putting in a low ball offer that we hope they will counter close to the number he (we) are willing to take. 

So fast forward to half hour ago and my sign I am about to tell you about.  Not the type of sign that my dad was talking about, no this sign was meant for me! It spoke to me I tell ya. 

The sign I saw said “JESUS CHRIST IS COMING SOON” I mean shit, who fucking knew?  Jesus Christ is coming soon!  Not just coming, but SOON!  Shit!  Christ is coming SOON People?  Do you have any idea what this means?  My dad who never was going to buy a beach house that my mother (his ex wife) said would never happen.  So my Dad must be going to buy a house.  I mean if a piece of painted board has the words “JESUS IS COMING SOON” in red on it, it must be true!  Who paints that kind of stuff, leans it up agains a tree out in front of a church if it aint true?

The way I interpret the sign though isn’t too promising.  Basiclally the way I read it is, my dad is buying a beach house and pretty much at the same time Jesus is Coming, which means the end of the world and judgement day.

In short I’m going to hell for being so selfish, BUT GOD DAMNIT I ALMOST HAD A BEACH HOUSE~!

so much for signs Dad…