EXEC-CORP-SPEAK CONTEST – a Disbelief guest post
In honor of Alan Levin, quoted by Celia Cohen (that’s ‘CC’ to her friends), saying:
“They need to have people dealing with the future, and I represent the past….”
We now offer a contest of ExecCorpSpeak phrases that mean absolutely nothing, and achieve less, except to annoy the crap out of anyone with a brain. The first prize is $50 donated to the DelawareLiberal.net advertising fund in your name, or, if you insist, the same amount donated to the Mike Matthews Phone Trust (in a pretend name if you prefer). All subsequent and subordinate prizes consist of a firm but very, very brief handshake accompanied by an empty, insincere smile while saying: “So! How do you feel you’re getting along with our family here?” No eye contact will be made while awarding these secondary prizes.
The contest is for the best, most vapid, meaningless jargon used by corporate executives to deter and confuse thought regarding their actual purpose of making the most money possible while working you the hardest while screwing the shareholders. The best jargon will be judged by me. There is no appeal. The best phrase will be determined by the corporate metrics we prefer in developing our client-focused amenability ratings (“Uh, what?”). Only entries posted below will be considered.
As banker for this contest, I’ll go first: “Maximize our valuable potentialities within the parameters of our esteemed unit goals.”
The contest ends at noon tomorrow. Until announcement of the winner, please reflect on whether or not you want to hear the execrable nonsense Alan Levin obviously spouts coming out of his mouth as Governor.
We should be able to leverage some synergies and get a high level of buy in with this proactive reegineering initiative you have championed. With it we’ve achieved maximum competitive dynamics and empowered our human capital to conquer a new paradigm.
I understood two words in Jason’s entry. This does not bode well for his chances in the contest. True exec-corp-speak should ideally be 100% incomprehensible (or 110% incomprehensible, having therefore actually ‘negative’ meaning).
I hope Levin doesn’t enter the contest himself. He’ll walk away with the prize.
In the spirit of itellectual dishonesty which is embodied by that type of speach – I re-purposed a few phrases from a competitor.
tee hee!
may the worst “mofo” win
btw the WNJ has a scathing set of comments excoriating Alan Levin and verifying that the service at Happy Harry’s has gone to hell.
http://www.delawareonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=200770614048
I switched about a month after they switched over
USAIR attempted to purchase Delta Airlines ( my employer) a few months back. Here is what Doug Parker (CEO of USAIR) said,”through system synergies and route rationalization we can realize reduced redundancies and increased profits.” Huh?
The week after it was realized that one half of the 9.2 billion in financing USAIR had in hand was from Hedge Funds who had no plan to make the combined airline a profitable business. Mr. Parker quickly went out and got a DUI.
I have a couple zingers here for your contest. If I win, no need to put my name on it. Here is something funny, what if Mike wins?
I’m taking 2007 off…Stay safe in 2007 and I’ll be back when the Eagles win the superbowl or Feb. 14 of 2008, which ever comes first.
and
Happy Valentines day to my great and lovely wife & adios.
You are a ball buster.
The increased empowerment of our team has facilitated bottom-up efficiencies that have contributed to top line and EBITDA growth. This combined with cost reduction and one-time charges should result in a return to profitability in the near to medium term future and a reduction of our burn rate in the short term.
“We need to raise our expectations. We need to demand more of ourselves. We can and we must do better. The issue in this campaign is whether we are going to continue along the path that we’ve been following or whether we’re going to take bold steps toward a stronger, healthier Delaware.”
or
“Neither party welcomes primaries for major statewide offices between two very talented people,” Carper said. “But having said that, at the very least the conversations John and Jack had over the period of a month or two — I think those conversations may have changed the tone of the campaign and enabled them to reconnect as friends in a way that maybe they had not been connecting for the last year or two.”
and then i came out, mommy move me down sout. Essa Morty.