I just came across some old material, that i thought I would share with my new audience….
A while back I wrote about the forgotten story of the floods I can’t track that story down but there are a few of you that have read it. Before that I wrote a pretty amazing story about my ascent to leader of the free world.
Those were pretty harrowing times I have to admit. I don’t have to tell you what it’s like to be me. I really just have to say that it is hard work, and I know that you will all believe me. I mean there I was just sitting their working MY ASS off that day and BLAMMOOOOO I was leading people to safety. Just read about it, it will be worth your time.
Then man the floods, Oh LORD the floods were horrible. My staff really pulled me through it though. My wife did a heck of a job ironing my favorite shirt and all.
But all that is water under the bridge, heh heh, get it? This story is different in so many ways. I have wised up. You see this story is about my leadership style and how I get the job done. I like to think of myself as a manager of people, you know a people manager, people person. Heck, I’m a people person manager. What that is you see is a person that manages people. People like you and me. Well not me, heh heh, because then I wouldn’t be me, the Decider. I’d be you and not the Decider. (man my mind is like a pretzel right now) So anyway I’m a leader and a manger of people, but I don’t have time to lead 300,000,000 people. Not including the illegals heheh.
So what I go about and do is hire people based on their resumes. See what I do when I hire em is. I ask them all kinds of tough questions. You know what tough questions are. Tough questions like. And I say em real fast and look em straight in the eye when I ask em. Ask the questions that is. I say it real fast, in my Texas twang I got when I was born in Maine and raised partly in Connecticut. I say real fast tough questions like, “What party do you vote for?”
That always gets em confused real good like. They stammer sumtimes. When they do I know they aren’t our kind. By our kind I mean not Republicans. But I don’t start out with that question. I like to be fair so I start out with some lollipops. A lollipop is this hard candy that has a stick on it that you suck. You suck on it for a while, then you chew it if you sucked it hard enough. Well, I give em some really big lollipops to soften em up ya see. Questions like, “Who’s your daddy?” Heheheh. That’s always a good one. It’s a good one because I already know the answer to that one. I like those kinda questions too, the ones I know the answer too. They are the best kinds of questions, the ones that already have answers.
Ok, Ok, stay on track. The next question, lollipop I like to hurl at em is “What branch of service where you in?” Oh man, I can’t stop laughing at that one. That one always gets em too. Man, they freeze up and don’t know what too say. I look at em in the eye and read their souls. Kinda like I did to Putin’s that one time. I was over there on vacation and he just came out to say hi to me. I shook his hand, looked in his eyes and saw his soul. Man he was a great guy. He gave me a ruble, patted me on my head and said I was handsome. I knew he was a good guy after that.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, oh yeah, heheheeh. Man, they freeze up like coon dog caught in a cookie jar. You ever seen one of them bastards in a cookie jar? Me neither, but I couldn’t think of anything better to say. I was thinking like a fox in a hen house, but nah to cliché. I had thought about saying like a deer in headlights, but that is what my wife says I look like when I get asked hard questions. So I didn’t say that because that made me sorta mad and I didn’t like that. So then I went with coon hound. I like to say coon. You don’t get to say coon too much these days….
Right, Right, right… So they just sit there petrified like a kid caught picking his nose. AWWWW man I got caught picking my nose at a football game when I was coked up out of my mind. You ever eaten a booger laced with coke. I always called them golden nuggets.
I know I know. So they are sitting there scared that I care about their service or something. I know all these guys would never get in uniform to save their own mothers. Well except this one guy that had a thing for the interns. He would dress up in all kinds of uniforms I heard.
So I laugh my texas raw hide off and tell em I could care less. They smile right back and usually say something like the military is for the poor. Then I move on to the harder questions. Here is where it gets challenging for them. I mean real challenging. Once I know who their daddy is, what party they work for and how much money they have raised for my campaigns the real knuckle balls come flying.
“So, where do you want to work?” This one guy I knew his resume was AWESOME. He worked with horses and shit. No, really, horses and shit for real. I said where do you want to work? And he said I want to run FEMA. DONE! He asked me if I was kidding. I looked him in the eye and said son. I know you can do this.
I remember this other time. I had this broad working for me. She doesn’t mind if I call her broad by the way. She told me, so it’s ok. She said, “Hey, Donviti, I want to be a supreme court justice.” DONE. Man that was tough though. It didn’t happen because I forgot to ask some of my friends if she was ok.
You see every once in a while I forget that I get to hire people that really were already hired before I hired them. There is some thing they got worked out with the management below me. They pretty much arrange everything ahead of time for me. They tell me what is going to happen today, tomorrow, next week, next month. Hell, I even know what I am doing next June. It is great. They tell me not to worry I don’t have to even think for myself. I like that too. I think I might have eaten one too many golden nuggets anyhow, so I enjoy relaxing. After all I got my MBA from University of Phoenix. I am the only decider to ever have one.