Christian when Convenient.
I plan on putting a man hanging from a waterboard above my alter. My alter will be made of money of course. I will drink the blood of the innocent dead children of war at about 1/2 way through the ceremony. Also I plan on reading the gospel of George backwards so as not to confuse my members. All Baptisms will be performed on the third Thursday proceeding a full moon. Baptism will consist of 1 cup of crude oil and gun powder. All women will enter on their knees and continue to walk on their knees for the entire hour. If a man gets tired he may rest his feet upon the womans shoulders for comfort. (I call this the mary magdallen technique)
This church of convienience will welcome any other ideas you can come up with. It’s a work in progress like so many religions.
On second thought, since this is all about convenience. I’m not sure what day I will have mass. I can’t really have mass on Sunday’s during football season. Screw the summer, it’s time to sleep and get the yard done in the morning. The winter is too damn cold to button up the freaking kids too.
So, I plan on having one mass a year. I mean most Catholics only go once a year, so hell, I like that idea. The woman on knees thing stays though.