As you may have heard, the Christiana Mall is banning unaccompanied minors on Fridays and Saturdays. At first, I was annoyed by this move. But now I see it as a chance to impart wisdom, so here goes.
If you are a teenager that has been displaced from your favorite hangout, here are some suggestions for what you can do instead:
- Try Alcohol: It gets a bad rap from parents and schools, but it is less expensive than fries at the food court and man does it feel good. You can always steal some from your parents and just add water to the bottle to get it back to the proper level. Do not drive after drinking.
- Sex: It is even cheaper than alcohol and feels better. A few rules, “No” means no, but “I’m bored,” could be a come on. Wear some protection, because if you don’t, your kids will be annoyed at the Christiana mall in 14 years. If you have trouble obtaining sex, many have found that alcohol is an effective attractant.
- Smoking: You will look much cooler with a cigarette in your mouth. Chicks dig it and, frankly, the state could use the tax revenue. You can always stop later, the state has plenty of smoking cessation programs.
- Weed: I cannot personally vouch for the effectiveness of weed for anything, but many have found constructive uses for this self-medication. Just remember Abbie Hoffman‘s saying, “Never do needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.” And with Nixon gone, you are out of luck.
- Drag Racing: There is nothing like the feeling of punching the accelerator of your ’88 Celica and watching that ’86 Ford Tempo spin out in your rear-view mirror.
I am certain that our readers can come up with other fine activities that can occupy your time, so please offer suggestions and be sure to read the comments to discover the wisdom of our readers.