Fuckonomics

There are several things people don’t know about me. I call myself a man of mystery, an international man of mystery, mysterioso, the maestro of mysteriousness, an enigma not wrapped to tightly in ambiguity. I could go on but you get the point. I’m sexy crazy basically.

If you didn’t hear my 4 hours of radio then you don’t know what you were missing. It was the best 4 hours yet to be broadcast on DTR.  Sorry, Mike and Maria, but that is another fact of the day. If you didn’t hear those 4 hours, then let me tell you, I’ve done a lot of things in my life and have a lot of stories to tell.   I tell them well, they are all true and it makes you more wildly attracted to me.  I’m dangerous and smart. 

This will be one of those stories that has you on the edge of your seat. And if you are hot chick, most likely it will leave you breathless and wanting more. Hell, if you are a muscle bear, shit, even an otter it will leave you wishing for more.   Don’t fight it, there is no point. 

I am a business owner and I’m important. I’m a very important business owner. I a fucking important business owner actually. I’m a very important business fucking owner. I’m fucking important to a lot of people. A lot of fucking people rely on me. You have no idea how many very important fucking people rely on me actually. I’m also rich. So put your weasley, beady (anal beady) eyes a half inch away from this screen and read these next several words as if your fucking life depended on it, because it does.

Are you close yet….

closer please…

JUST DO IT!!!

ready?

Ok here goes:

I’m rich so that makes me smart.

There. End of it. Now that we have that established the rest of this story will go very easy.

Not only do I blog but I also own a business. That business employs roughly 75,000 people. It does about 35,000,000,000.12 annually in PROFIT alone. My profit margins operate at a staggering 28%. In the industry, I’m known as The Rabbit. Why? Because everyone wants a piece of me. I run them in circles. No matter how fucking fast they run, they can’t catch me. They want what I got. I show up to a party and people crane their necks and say, “He’s here, he’s here, fucking A, he’s here”. I’m known as the rabbit for another reason (wink, wink) ladies. But that’s here nor there for now.

Did I mention I’m fucking important? I did? Well, guess what? It bears repeating. I’m fucking important. What I say goes. I roll up pimp style, cane in hand, crisp brim on my lid and a shine on my shoes so phat you need sunglasses to stare. I’m fucking important. My business is fucking important. I’m rich. What I say is important. I have been around for Decades. Not years. Fucking Decades.

So, let’s run down what I have said so far because it is important.

1. I’m fucking important
2. I’m important because I’m rich
3. Because I’m rich I’m smart
4. Because I’m smart you need to listen to me

Now, here is what’s happening to my fucking business. Errr, I sort of screwed up. Well, not me really, the people that work for me. They aren’t as smart as me. If they were, they’d be me. I’d be them and well, they wouldn’t even be here to read how fucking important they are because they wouldn’t know it. Only I’m as fucking important as God. They wouldn’t be, because they couldn’t be. Got it?

My people screwed up. Not me. I’m rich, I don’t make mistakes. My people do. The 75000 people that work for me are about to be royally screwed you see. I care a lot about them. I’m not in the business of fucking them. Well, except Tammy, holy shiiiiiit what an ass on her. If I fuck them over, then they fuck me over and I don’t get rich and I can’t say I’m smart and I can’t be important anymore. As you can see I have a lot riding on my business. Did I mention if my business fails that I’m no longer rich and have to live like you people?

I didn’t?

Oh, well let’s talk about that. I have a certain lifestyle I have become accustomed to. You see, I’m pulling in so much money and worth so much money that when I make a lame joke, people laugh. You don’t believe me? Watch this:

“Marge!”

“Yes?”

“Get in here” (picture marge coming into my office)

“Marge, tell me if this joke is funny”

“Ok”

“Marge, you are fat” (now picture marge laughing her fat jiggly ass off)

“Ok, you can go now”

See? I’m that fucking important. If my business fails, I’m no longer that fucking important. That scares the living crap out of me. Quite honestly, I can’t live like you people. I’m a “them”. You are not. I’m one of those people that you want to be, but will never be, because you don’t have the money that I have that makes me smarter than you. It’s vicious I know, but it’s a fact.

The dumb people that aren’t as rich as me, which therefor aren’t as smart as me, wrecked my fucking business. Now, because of these mistakes I am going to need roughly, eh, I don’t know someting like 49,000,000,000.68 to get by and bring my business back to a profitable, productive part of society. If I don’t get this money, well, the rest of the country is screwed. It’s called trickle down fuckonomics. The rich get fucked, you get fucked and we all get fucked and not the way that Tammy get’s fucked. (man…Tammy…what a body) Do you want fuckonomics coming down on your ass?

So to break it down more simply for you since you aren’t as smart as me. Fuckonomics = you getting screwed because I got screwed = not good.

Now, if I don’t get this money from you all it is Fuckonomics to the nth degree. If you let me go under, well the stock market is going to crash and not only are 75,000 employees who aren’t as smart as me because they don’t have as much money asme will be fucked, but the people that own millions of my stock will be screwed. In the end, I screw the whole country. That is one big fucking. That makes me a pretty big dick if you ask me.

In an effort to get ahold of this money that the government is giving out to people that are smart and going out of business and need the money to keep being smart and rich and handing down the money I don’t need to you people that need it.  I have decided to hire some lobbyists. I have retained the lobbyists for $500,000.26. It is important to remember that I’m smarter than you. Spending this money that my company could use to pay people, buy more inventory or invest internally is useless. I need to give it to a few people that are almost as smart as me. In turn these people will go to the government and tell them how smart I am and how if my company fails a lot of dumb people will lose their jobs oh…and I will be not rich anymore, which is most important.  Not rich = not smart = you = dumb.  Fuckonomics. 

This money I have given to lobbyists will never be talked about on the news because the news people are too stupid to research all the hundreds of people meeting with elected officials. They are too lazy to stand outside of congress and watch who comes and goes in and out of people’s offices, ask who they are, who they work for and then find out where they got there money from. News people are stupid. They read what they are told and in turn you listen. It’s important to remember here you are dumb. I am smart. Fuckonomics.

Now, while that $500,000.26 is working the congress people are probably getting phone calls from you. You are calling and saying Fuck that Big Dick. They are saying. I understand. They go out to the media and say, “We aren’t going to give that big dick money”. Then, the next day, they will vote to give me my money. I win, you lose. I’m smart.  You’re dumb. Fuckonomics scared them and now Trickle down economics will save the day. 

I hope you have all learned this valuable lesson. As I said at the beginning of this post. I’m not only a blogger. I’m a businessman. A smart one because I’m rich. If I fail you lose and are fucked, hence Fuckonomics. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but in the end it makes us stronger as a country and is the only way to beat the Japanese, Germans, Chineese, Arabs and all those other people that are not as smart as us.

What? I didn’t tell you my business?

I sell Dildo’s. Most likely you own one of my cocks or your wife does and I pleasure her when you aren’t watching