BREAKING: Somali Pirates in Talks to Buy Citigroup
Somali Pirates in Discussions to Acquire Citigroup
By Andreas Hippin
November 20 (Bloomberg) — The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup.
The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said.
“You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything,” said Ali.
The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS’s are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody’s and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS’s.
Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: “We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup
at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster.”
Shandu added, “We don’t call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better.”
*CITI IN TALKS WITH SOMALI PIRATES FOR POSSIBLE CAPITAL INFUSION
*WILL REQUIRE ALL CITI EMPLOYEES TO WEAR PATCH OVER ONE EYE
*SOMALIAN PIRATES APPLY TO BECOME BANK TO ACCESS TARP
*PAULSON: TARP PIRATE EQUITY IS AN `INVESTMENT,’ WILL PAY OFF
*KASHKARI SAYS `SOMALI PIRATES ARE ‘FUNDAMENTALLY SOUND’ ‘
*Moody’s upgrade Somali Pirates to AAA
*HUD SAYS SOMALI DHOW FORECLOSURE PROGRAM HAD `VERY LOW’ PARTICPATION
*SOMALI PIRATES IN DISCUSSION TO ACQUIRE CITIBANK
*FED OFFICIALS: AGGRESSIVE EASING WOULD CUT SOMALI PIRATE RISK
* FED AGREED OCT. 29 TO TAKE `WHATEVER STEPS’ NEEDED FOR SOMALI PIRATES
(Arrr maties! This is from crazy fake Bloomberg story circulating today)
Tags: Satire
COMPLETELY TASTELESS AND UNCALLED FOR!
Oh my. I wonder if Jason is on the list of people that are destined to walk the plank… err heading for the personnel office.
Don’t you at least have gallows humor, Jason? As a Protack guy, I would think this was a requirement for working on his campaigns.
Well I thought it was funny… kinda like people who type in all caps are funny.
Well, Republicans were pretty smug when they figured it was smart pro-business policy to build Delaware’s economy on usury, misery, and late fees. But we always knew it was illegitimate.
The Somali pirates have business skills that are eminently transferable to Delaware credit card banking.
Well Cassandra has finely revealed her true self she is a Rush the junkie ditto head. This was what that Junkie,s opening theme was today just caught a bit of it while looking for PBS on the dial. It appears that every station down here in slower Delaware either has Rush on or one of his wannabees . Either that or some self described Minister begging for money while talking about God and bashing Gays.
I hope you think you’re being funny – which you aren’t, btw.
Psst… the link at the bottom of the post directs you to where she found this. Click on it and it magically takes you to the article!
Cassandra,
I thought it was hillarious. I’m going to the link to print it out.
OK Pandora little light humor is needed here for a change. It’s nice to know that besides Rush being a junkie he also stole this as for the brief part that I heard he was pushing it as his idea.
If they can come up with the money, who cares about their race, nationality or profession.
Just don’t talk to me about it if they’re socialists.
Puzzler
The socialist in the White House have taken over the banks a loosing deal now they want to take over the Auto Companies another loosing deal. Look if we want to take over something i suggest we take over Exxon Mobile at least the make a profit.
Also Socialism isn’t all bad after all it’s a Socialist organization that is fighting the fires in California.
Why are they ‘pirates’ (glamorous)?
Why not terrorists? I’m certain most crew members are terrifided when ‘captured’ and imprisioned.