Based on the response I am getting from conservatives, I have updated my advice for them:
1) Check out this chart.
2) Suck on it.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Dear Conservative,
You don’t deserve it, because your assholery has put this country in a jam, but here is it. If you want to get your party out of the Marianas Trench of irrelevance that you’ve driven it into, follow this advice.
1) Admit that you were wrong to vote for Bush. You need to demonstrate to the rest of the country that some reality has penetrated your crazy head. That means really admit that Bush sucked and was a moron unfit to hold the position of dog catcher. Don’t give one of these Rick Jensen type, “I regret that he was not a conservative.” BS rationalizations. We are looking for a strong sign that you can distinguish between fantasy and reality.
2) Allow that all taxes are not evil. Again, if you want to talk to the adults you need to put away the things of childhood, and your 20 year jihad to see that Paris Hilton can skate through life without pulling her fair share of the burden is one of them.
3) Commit your party to being the champion of an isolationist foreign policy. This should be your bread and butter again. Swear off national building and being the world’s police force. Let the Democrats push for that. You guys, who always want to flip over the Risk board out of frustration, have no business talking to people outside of the United States. Leave that to us. And along those lines…
4) Get some genuine patriotism for a change. The phony-baloney flag waving, country music patriotism you guys go in for is shallow and nauseating to people who care about this country. Get some real patriotism by caring about the Constitution and parts of the country that you don’t happen to live in. Wave the flag, but wave it with the knowledge that it is a symbol of a country that does not torture. Period.
5) Impress us with the force of your moral example. Stop trying to berate everyone into upholding your moral code while you are in the middle of ditching your third wife. If you really think marriage is sacred, show us – don’t tell us. Also, if you honestly want to reduce the number of abortions in this country – begin by coming up with some actual ideas for reducing unwanted pregnancies that don’t include pretending that people will stop having sex if you yell at them. That would be impressive.
There you go. I know you will not follow this advice because you are a bunch of nit wits. However, we are all Americans and helping each other out is part of the deal.