Casting Call: “Leviticus Deux; The Second Coming”

You might have missed this in the NJ but this Saturday at Love Park in Philly they are doing casting calls for a new movie funded by Lions Gate.  “Leviticus Deux; The Second Coming” is going to be a modern day bible story.  Set in the year 2002 Jesus was apparently killed by Islamic Terrorists.  The movie opens with mourners running to the pile of rubble that once was the location of Dollywood.  The busty singer is on her knees asking, “Why God, Why Jesus again”.

The apostles are on a mission.  Literally.  And they need to find out who killed Jesus, this time and who is planning to kill him next time.  They need to know NOW!!  God is supposed to be sending another Jesus and the crazy fundamentalists apparently know when and where and mean to kill him.  AGAIN!  Nothing is left to chance and these guys mean business (insert gutsy, manly voiceover).  They have been chosen for a reason.  They have grit.  They are rugged.  They are men.

They are going to Evangelize!

They are seeking the would be killers…and this time…their isn’t time to break bread…..(insert solemn powerful car chase type apocalyptic music) only heads.

The casting company is looking for people to play the parts of the apostles.  There are 12 of them I think and here is spirit of the what they want or are writing in for each character:

Peter/Simon (exact name never is sorted out):  The mastermind that was Jesus’ right hand man.  He keeps his hands clean and get’s the men to carry out his mission.  He sits in his holier than thou office and works the phones and keyboard.  Sending out letter after letter to those that will listen and will follow his word.  He knows it’s hard to live the way Jesus did and will (again) but some people have to die and be tortured if we are going to follow the word of Christ.

Andrew: He is the clandestine operative that snatches the would be killers and brings them to their doom.  He operates under a Shroud from Torin or some shit like that.  His cloak of darkness allow the audience to empathize with him as he follows the word of God all while terrifying the ever living excrement out of his captives.  It has to be done, “God’s Will” he recites into the hooded victims.  softly as he clasps their heads to his breast, “God’s will my son” Chilling and Dark Andrew will be a main player in this film.

James: He plays a small part and is killed by one of the murders.  His martydom doesn’t go unnoticed and John his brother froths to avenge his death as well as his savior, Yahweh.  He is referred to more than once after his untimely death and is the rallying point for John his brother and unredeemed soul mate.

John: Torn between doing what is right and wrong, he struggles to save Jesus before he is killed again and has come to Earth. He struggles with avenging his brothers death and not letting down the One for which he kills.  His goal is to live in the way of Jesus and to do so he must avenge for Jesus…and not for his brother.  The bible at his side and passage after passage tattooed to his body, his passion is only eclipsed by his love for meek.

Phillip: He too is killed by the terrorists, but not before he exacts pain and justice.  He doesn’t actually get any information, but swears he knows how and insists that the way he does it would be the way Jesus would have wanted it done.  Snuffed out early, Phillip only has a few minutes on the silver screen, but those minutes are provocative and leave you wanting more wall slamming and hypothermia inflicting.  You can feel that the bad guys know something.  You want them to know something.  They have too!  Phillip has to get something from them!  He must.

Bartholomew: He saw Jesus rise from the rubble next to the Dolly’s Mountains Ride Roller Coaster. He along with a few other disciples know of Jesus eminent re-re-rearrival and profess that he is the one that will save us…assuming the SOB isn’t killed.  He isn’t about to let it happen (again).  He combs the continent looking for killers.  Abducting them in the name of safety.  The people he collects all could harm Jesus and might know of where he plans to arrive. “We can’t take chances. Yahweh or no way.”

Thomas: Plays a pivotal role in this Epic battle of right and wrong.  He doubts everyone that gives up information and is the driving force behind this madness.  He lives to push the interrogations to the breaking point as Jesus would have wanted him too.  Much like Dirty Harry had a famous line we all remember, Thomas too will have a saying you will be using again and again, “I don’t believe you!  Simon, again!”  powerful and misunderstood this Christian Zealot will have the ladies bursting with lust, but not enough to make them break a commandment.  Thomas leaves no stone uncovered and his doubting only leads to more submissions and you the audience one step closer to justice in the name of God.  Hallelujah.

Matthew: He is the money man behind this operation.  Black Ops funding is his game and working the shadowy halls of congress is his calling.  This slippery character plays it cool and dresses for the Hill.  He gets the $$$ that will save humanity and Christ…again…hopefully

James: He is in all the pivotal interrogation scenes.  He is the one gently holding the rag over the blasphemer’s head and that is pretty much it.  He has a pattented move much like WWE’s Undertaker.  He genuflects and does the sign of the cross right before the water is poured.  The next time you are in church, don’t be surprised if you find yourself doing this move.  It’s fun and enlightening and you feel like you are doing God’s will.  The caviat to this bit part is that there is a chance if Jesus isn’t saved that James will reemerge in a Prequel.  This is all assuming the box office draw is good enough.  God willing.

Judas: He blows the entire operation of course and doesn’t get away with it.  The SEALS catch up with him and make sure he knows what he did was wrong.  He is waterboarded three times before he sings.  It isn’t pretty, but it is all in the name of our Savior.

Matthias: He sort of takes up Judas’ duties.  He enters the movie late and you kind of are left scratching your head wondering where the hell heck he came from.  But we needed to get to 12 sort of like the bible did because 11 is an evil number or some shit.

Simon (the real one): This guy is the Zealot of zealots.  His mission is to find the would be killers and to exact revenge.  Or whatever it is called when you torture someone before the act they were going to actually do takes place but you hate them for doing what they were going to do and you stopped them from doing by exacting violent revenge on their genitals.  Simon is the man to do the Lord’s bidding, assuming the Lord was an awful creature that would want you to exact violent revenge on the genitalia of humans that were planning on killing his only son that he had sent down to Earth for a third time after saying he was never going to save the humans after he flooded them and/or sent a few hundred thousand of his chosen people roaming a desert for a few decades.  Simon is the key role in this movie and without him there would only be 11 and 11 isn’t 12 and without 12 there wouldn’t be a movie this awesome.

Mary of Magdalen: She’s hot to trot and throws herself at all the apostles.  Sweat will cling to her bosom and drip off the cross that has caught itself in her 2 glorious gifts from God.  One after the other she is rejected by these men devoted to God.  Judas however is persuadable and has a kinky foot thing going on and Mary uses her wanton ways to drive this man from God.  She longs to be redeemed and needs to be man handled.  She is prepared to stoop low, all in the name of Jesus of course.

There of course are other parts to be played in this Epic movie.  But for now this is what Lion’s Gate is looking for.  Good luck, hopefully you will be chosen.