I use to work with Donviti, hell, I was even his boss at one point — as if anyone could control such a young beautiful colt like him. You try to keep him penned in a grey cube? I did my best, but he did not take well to us putting the halter over his face and the bit in his mouth. In time we were able to saddle him up and ride him in the pen, but outside in the fields, this bastard was uncontrollable — his need to run free, his desire not to have anyone ride his back, his drive to mount fillies from other departments. Donviti was and is the only true maverick. Suck on that John McCain.
So here is my best attempt to let Donviti know what he should and shouldn’t do in the first 100 days of his new job. Why did I choose 100 days as a guide? What sort of scientific method did I use? What management book did I yank this from as a measurement for Donviti’s guide? None, but I did pull it out of my ass like the press does with the first 100 days of a presidential administration. So what’s good enough for the liberal media is good enough for this liberal blogger.
If you have any other rules that Donviti should adhere to post them here. If you disagree with any of my rules, go pound sand.
1. First Impression
These are the days my friend, the days that will be seared in your manager’s mind as well as your peers and other managers. Your first impression from the interview is now gone and this is the Donviti they are going to remember, not the laughable and subservient Donviti from the interview. Sidenote on this first rule, remember that any manager can be your boss one day. Don’t piss them off!
2. Internet
No.
3. Downtime
At most new jobs there is gong to be some down time — time when your boss is too busy to let you know what you should be doing, time when you are too new to know what to do. Bring a book, not a book that pertains to your new job and skills that you should already have, but a book that expands your horizon. Any book by Malcolm Gladwell is a good choice. What books shouldn’t you read? Any of the Dummies books, political books, books about religion . . . just stick with Gladwell’s books, okay? But what if you get bored reading, can you go to the internet? See Rule 2: Internet for more details.
4. Email
Your work email is for work, not to send out messages to friends and family. Use your work email for work and your gmail account for friends. Does this mean you can go to the internet to view your personal email account? See Rule 2: Internet for more details.
5. Cell Phone Use
Turn the damn thing off! That might be a bit much, but silence the ringer and any noises that might go off, and turn off the vibrator — that’s between you and Mrs. Hotviti. But what if there is an emergency? A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, there was a time when people didn’t have cell phones and dealt with emergencies quite well. Get on the ball and pretend it is 1995. If you have to use your cell phone, step away from your desk for a few minutes and have a quiet conversation where no one can hear you. I cannot emphasize this enough — where no one can hear you. Can you use your cell phone to get to the internet? See Rule 2: Internet for more details.
6. Work Phone Use
Use it for work. Do not give this number to your ex! See Rule 4: Email for more details.
7. Hours
Get in before your boss and leave before after your boss. If only be 10 minutes that’s fine. We’re working on impression here, not actual work. If you’re bored, see Rule 3: Downtime for more details.
8. Family
Get your family on board with these rules and, for god’s sake, they better step up. Remind them what a pain in the ass you were out of a job.
9. Gas
Do not pass gas in your cube. If you must, go to the bathroom or do a strafing down a neighboring aisle.
10. I Don’t Know
When asked a question and you don’t know, tell them so, but add that you’ll get back to them.
11. Don’t Say No
Don’t say no to anyone, say “Yes” or “I Don’t Know”. See Rule 10: I Don’t Know for more details.
12. Authority
Respect your boss as your boss even if they are an ass.