This is from frequently hilarious commenter Dickday over at TPMCafe (caps are his, but imagine Fred Thompson’s voice reading this):
- I, THE REPUB PARTY AM THE LORD THY GOD, (OR AT LEAST I AM ON GOOD TERMS WITH HIM) AND THOU SHALT NOT PUT FALSE GODS OR PARTIES BEFORE ME.
- WHATEVER YOU DO, ITS ALL RIGHT WITH ME, JUST DO NOT GET CAUGHT.
- IF YOU DO GET CAUGHT, STAY AWAY FROM ME FOR AWHILE UNTIL YOU ARE REBORN.
- IF YOU GIVE A SPEECH, APPEAR AT A CAMPAIGN RALLY, OR WIN A GOLF TOURNAMENT, ALWAYS THANK ME FIRST.
- ONLY THROUGH ME CAN YOU REACH TRUE HEAVEN ON EARTH.
- WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GET CAUGHT.
- THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, OR LIE, OR COVET BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GET CAUGHT.
- THE MORE MONEY YOU HAVE THE MORE MONEY YOU SHOULD EARN AND THE MORE MONEY YOU EARN THE MORE YOU CAN PAY ME AND THE POOL BOY IF YOU SO DESIRE; and remember, all contributions to my financial committees are tax deductible.
- IMMIGRATION IS A BAD THING NORMALLY, BUT HISPANICS MAKE THE BEST GARDENERS.
- EVOLUTION IS BAD AS A CONCEPT OR THEORY. THE EARTH CANNOT BE THAT OLD, IF IT WERE, ALL MY MEMBERS WOULD HAVE A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT MORE MONEY.
- THE PEASANTS ARE REVOLTING.
- TRY TO KEEP THE PEASANTS FROM REVOLTING BUT BASICALLY ALWAYS REMEMBER, THE PEASANTS ARE REVOLTING ANYWAY.
- FEAR OF THE LORD IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT BUT FOR VOTES THOU MUST INSTILL FEAR IN THE ELECTORATE: FEAR OF COMMUNISM, SOCIALISM, LIBERALISM, HOMOSEXUALISM, TERRORISM, MUSLIMISM, ATHEISM, AND PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LOOK LIKE US WILL GET YOU ELECTED EVERY TIME.
- REMEMBER, ONLY THROUGH ME WILL YOU SEE THE KINGDOM OF GOD ON EARTH
- THOU SHALT NOT SHIT WHERE YOU EAT. TRY NOT TO STEAL, DIRECTLY ANYWAY, FROM ANOTHER MEMBER OF MY PARTY–WHATEVER THOU DOEST, DO NOT GET CAUGHT.
- ALWAYS GET YOUR MONEY UP FRONT AND COLLECT ENOUGH INFORMATION SO THAT IF NOTHING ELSE WORKS AT LEAST YOU GOT THE GOODS ON THE OTHER GUY.
- WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, BLAME SOMEBODY ELSE, BUT THOU SHALL TRY TO BLAME THE CLOSEST DEM.
- PAY MINORITIES WHO WORK FOR MY COMMITTEES A LOT MORE THAN WHITES SO THAT MY COUNTENANCE SHALL HAVE THE PROPER FACE; EVEN SOME MINORITIES WILL DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY. (OH AND FIND OUT WHAT THEY PUT IN JUSTICE THOMAS’ TEA AND ATTEMPT TO MASS PRODUCE AND PUT IT IN THE FOODS OF THOSE WHO RESIDE IN THE INNER CITY)
- DO NOT, EVER, BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST ANYONE IN THE PRESENCE OF A FEDERAL PROSECUTOR OR HIS HENCHMEN. IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE ME JUST ASK SCOOTER.
You know you are around Real Republicans when they tell you these are their 10 Party Commandments. Numbers aren’t their strong suit.