Day 8 C&S
It was as difficult a weekend as I had thought it would be. I can’t imagine they will get much harder but I don’t see them getting an easier over the next few weeks either. I did pretty good Friday as I was able to keep myself somewhat occuppied with other things. I would have to say that I have thought about beer and wine this past week about as much as I think about sex. Which is quite freaking often Imight add. It is not as much as when I was 18 but still enough for me to wonder how I actually complete work during the day with the thought of alcohol and sex pretty much tag teaming 50% of each minute of my waking day.
I did my typical drive by Brewers Outlet on Friday but kept going, regretably. Normally I would find myself over at a friends house around 8pm with a 12 pack and possibly some food for the grill. It will be the one thing I think I miss most while I clean up. The hanging out and having some beers, stuffing my face and enjoying mindless banter that spans sports to religion to politics. I’m sure I can do it without the substances, but having to watch others imbibe will be the hard part. I am sure I can still head over there on occasion, but it won’t be like it was for various reasons. I’m not sure if the other party involved will miss me all that much though. Everyone could probably use break from DV these days.
My daughter had a volleyball game Friday evening and perhaps I took out some of my aggrivation on the coach. She played 3 plays and sat out the rest of the games. They lost, again and have only won one game this year. The coach’s reason was she didn’t have her gear to practice in on Wednesday so she sat her out this time. I didn’t have a problem with this excuse if it was the real reason. It wasn’t and isn’t. I have been to every game but 2 this year and this is the pattern. My daughter, like her father, wear her emotions on her sleeve. Something bad happens, the head rolls, the eyes roll and the shoulders slump. We are an expressive bunch. It doesn’t lend well to children though. Most adults aren’t happy to have a 13 year old acting out there emotions. On top of that she is going to CAB for Drama, they just aren’t used to this type of outward expression in a CYO league either I guess.
The next few games we shall see if DV’s power of alcoholess persuasion have any effect.
Saturday morning at about 4:30 am I woke up and thought about beer and not being able to have it. My son’s birthday was Sunday so luckily there was plenty to do to keep me occupied for the day. Heading to target, Giant, BJ’s, doing the lawn, cleaning all were decent distractions that you can’t really drink while doing. I think though, that if I can drink a coke in Target, I should be able to walk around with a Miller Lite as long as I’m not driving.
When I did catch some of the Md v Clemson game I found my pavlovian response to watching football with a beer almost too much to overcome. Already I was trying to think of alternatives. Soda? Odoules? something…I need something. I exhausted myself pretty well Saturday and after watching “Role Model’s” I went to bed a little later than Friday, but slept pretty damn well.
Now it was Sunday and it was/is Football time but it was also my son’s 1 year birthday. In years past downing a 12 pack over the course of the day is as easy as breathing for me. Add to it a party and I’m grilling, a beer would pretty much be surgically attached to my palm. I do wait till around game time to start boozing though. In the mornings especially this time of year I occupy myself doing yardwork or grocery shopping or both. Keeping my mind off wanting a beer instead of my morning java.
I didn’t want to be the schmuck that didn’t serve beer at a party because I am a sadist and not drinking. The wife went and picked up the beer for me which was smart. I might have found myself buying a 20 oz and downing it in the parking lot.
My wifes friend and parents were first to arrive. Her friend wanted red wine and I didn’t have a problem retrieving one of my 2004 Cab Sav’s. I popped it open and I shit you not, right now as I type this my mouth is salivating. The same exact thing happened when I opened and poured the wine. My mouth was watering and my mind starting going through the rolodex of excuses to just have a quick nip. I new it was going to be a challenge and sort of was doing this to myself to make it challenging. If there is one thing about me, I do love a challenge. I constantly test my limits for better or worse. (as I proof read this my mouth is again watering. The thought of the ruby red wine pouring into the bottle and me smelling the bouqet are quite powerful. That first sip of a good wine are hard to put into words)
The harder part came when on occassion it came up why I wasn’t drinking. I’m not a good liar when it comes to certain things. I don’t have a set story that I can come up with with regard to me not drinking. So in the end I leveled with a good friend or two and just said I had to get my life in order and prioritize some things. Alcohol for a long while was not in the right order and the only way I think I can get back on track is to cut it out of my life for a bit.
“But you aren’t going to be able to drink at my wedding” “You don’t need a beer to go out on a boat”, “Awwww, are you still coming to homecoming” “You can maybe drink O’Doules”
True and true and True and true. Three of those things are occassions I have programmed myself to enjoy a beer or 12 or 18 as well as a shot, a louge run and shotgun or two. And the people I enjoy them with have come to expect it. What good is a party if there isn’t a “that guy”?
There is always an excuse to drink and a reason not to though. Right? This weekend was one hell of a challenge and I know why I decided to put myself through this incredibly difficult exercise for a reason. A damn good reason. I am over the hurdle when it comes to the physical addiction of alcohol. Now it is the mental and that is going to be a lot harder for me. I have associated alcohol with so many events that my brain expects it at every turn. I’m pretty sure they frowned upon my boozing it up at the bring your father to school day last year, but what the hell, I wasn’t working was my mindset. And that pretty much still applies to me today. If I’m not working, then it screw it…drink!
I know I can do this, because I want to. There were several times over the past few months where I was definitely realizing I was depressed and the alcohol was fueling it. I would come home and lie in bed feeling awful and regretting some of the decisions I had been making in my life. But, it wasn’t enough to stop me. I just wouldn’t drink for 48/72 hours and magically I forgot the conversation I had with myself 2 days before.
I am proud of myself for getting throught this weekend but know there are going to be some tougher challenges ahead.
Thanks for listening
Get thee to a meeting. It will help you. You don’t need the religious stuff if you don’t want it. The higher power is the group itself. Getting sober is orders of magnitude more difficult when you try to do it alone. You *might* be able to do this by yourself, but you may also end up a “dry drunk.”
You will find power in a group that you can’t understand now. Seriously. Just put your “I’ll go-it-alone” ego aside and go.
Do it for your kids. I wish my Dad had.
I haven’t had a drink today either….only I haven’t had one for more than 8,000 other days preceeding this one. In the early days, I could not have gotten through it without a whole bunch of other people who’d already been there and done that. Anonone is so right. Go to a meeting….today, tomorrow, the next day and just keep doing it. Everything I read above tells me you could easily be headed right back to where you were if you insist on going it alone. And, it does not get any prettier. The thing I had to figure out all those years ago was just how much I was willing to lose before I took control of my life. My bottom wasn’t the lowest I’ve ever seen, but it was low enough for me.
You don’t have to buy into the ‘God’ stuff but do yourself a huge favor and reach out to the people who have walked in your shoes. Hook up with AA. There are a whole bunch of great people out there ready, willing and able to share your struggle. It’s a much lighter burden when you’re not carrying it alone.
You owe it to yourself to be the best you can be.
Good luck to you, DV. I would listen to anonone and PI if I were you. I can’t say that I know exactly what you’re going through but it sounds a lot like when I was on Weight Watchers and the relationship with food. Every occasion is an excuse to eat (or drink) and when you’re trying to cut back (or quit altogether) you’re pretty much alone. I was lucky in that my husband was dieting at the same time. I can’t imagine trying to stop drinking alone. A group will probably help with coping strategies and just having people that are going through the same thing as you are.
It doesn’t matter what I say at this point> I’m not going to down play my “problem”. It seems obvious I could use the support right? But in typical airing my dirty laundry fashion, this is my therapy. I’m comitting to 6 months and that is it. I’m functioning and will be a functional drinker. at least that’s my plan. Then I can commence the downward spiral again. And over the next 6 months I plan on picking out the bottle of wine I will be sipping from as my first drink.
Now Who want’s to be my sponsor? 🙂
Damn! I think I have DL’s next charity/Drinking Liberally event! Hell, maybe Jason can come back that day too!
wooohoooooo
OK – I’m a bit confused. Your plan is to go 6 months without drinking and then drink some wine?
His plan is simple: He wants to continue to be an alcoholic.
And he will be one until he hits bottom. He gets to choose his bottom until one is chosen for him (prison, hospital, or grave). Unfortunately, he will take his family down with him until they decide to bail. If his wife is co-dependent on his alcoholism, then she’ll enjoy the insanity and the kids will suffer. And suffer they will. If she’s smart, she’ll see where the bus is headed and decide to take a different bus.
Donviti, this so-called “airing my dirty laundry fashion” is just about your ego and not about getting real about your addiction. When you look at your kids, just think about what you’re doing to their father. Ain’t nothing funny about that. Get help. Get a sponsor. It really isn’t funny.
I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to. I’ve been on the other side of this (an ex was an alcoholic) so I know what you’re experiencing. Seriously, drop me a note if you need someone.
Cut out the preaching. Some people have to approach this their own way. Not saying he will never be ready for AA, but you can plainly see DV and humility don’t belong in the same sentence. “It’s just about his ego” is his whole stock and trade. Give him time, and realize that some people do better writing than talking.
DV, if you stop for six months you will realize that all the joys of wine transfer quite well to other things, and how dull and ordinary that first glass tastes may surprise you. Good luck to you.
thanks for the support folks. I do appreciate it
and yes, of course it is about my ego. I’m publishing this on a webisite a few thousand folks read….
but I’m doing it myyyyyyyyyy waaaaaayyyy