Red And Blue Families

I keep stumbling across articles on Naomi Cahn and June Carbone’s new book, Red Families v. Blue Families: Legal Polarization and the Creation of Culture. I will be picking it up today.

I’m not trying to score points in this post – although points will be scored.  I’d rather discuss the disconnect between Red and Blue families and why debating social issues, while frustrating, is predictable.  Let’s start with what Cahn and Carbone’s research discovered:

The major finding of the book, (and I haven’t read it yet — I hope to pick it up in an hour or so) reducing it to an oversimplified sound bite, is that families in Blue States are far more likely to be stable and intact than those in the more conservative states, with higher levels of educational and economic attainment, lower levels of divorce, and far less likelihood of teenagers becoming parents.

My first reaction was d’oh, but that isn’t really fair.  After all, I was raised in a Blue Family and am raising my children in one, as well, so naturally these findings make sense to me.  What I struggle to understand is why Red Families embrace an ideology that isn’t reaping results.  I can understand being against abortion, but am at a loss as to why birth control is off their kitchen table.  And the idea that educating kids about safe sex leads to sex is nonsense.  You know what leads to teenage sex?  Teenagers.

In my Blue house, we discuss sex openly.  We talk about the emotional aspects of sex, the prevention of pregnancy and STDs, and the biology.  When my son turned 15 we put condoms in his room, and he didn’t even have a girlfriend.  I told him that I thought he had the sexual maturity of a pea, that my choice was that he abstain (yes, abstain!) from sex, but if he decided to ignore my wisdom then don’t be stupid and screw up your future – Use a condom!

The first part of my little speech should be something Red and Blue families agree on – I told him that I thought he had the sexual maturity of a pea, that my choice was that he abstain from sex – but the second part is where we’ll part ways.  And it’s at this point where things get interesting.

I can’t speak for Red Families, so I’ll speak for mine.  Hopefully, this will shed some light.  Contrary to how Conservatives portray Blue Families, we aren’t having parties celebrating our kids losing their virginity.  We would love it if they abstained from sex, just like Red Families.  The difference is we know they probably won’t so we try and prepare them, to arm them with accurate information, so that when, and if, they go against our wishes they understand how to protect themselves physically, if not emotionally.

Let’s look at how Jonathan Rauch, of the National Journal, breaks it down into two categories.  (BTW, you should really read both linked articles.)

1. Families Form Adults

Many teenagers and young adults formed families before they reached maturity and then came to maturity precisely by shouldering family responsibilities. Immature choices and what were once euphemistically called “accidents” were a fact of life, but the unity of sex, marriage, and procreation, combined with the pressure not to divorce, turned childish errors into adult vocations.

But then along come two game-changers: the global information economy and the birth-control revolution. The postindustrial economy puts a premium on skill and cognitive ability. A high school education or less no longer offers very good prospects. Blue-collar wages fall, so a factory job no longer cuts it — if, that is, you can even find a factory job.

Meanwhile, birth control separates decisions about sex from decisions about parenthood, and the advent of effective female contraception lets men shift the moral responsibility for pregnancy to women, eroding the shotgun marriage. Divorce becomes easy to obtain and sheds its stigma. Women stream into the workforce and become more economically independent — a good thing, but with the side effect of contributing to a much higher divorce rate.

In this very different world, early family formation is often a calamity. It short-circuits skill acquisition by knocking one or both parents out of school. It carries a high penalty for immature marital judgment in the form of likely divorce. It leaves many young mothers, now bearing both the children and the cultural responsibility for pregnancy, without the option of ever marrying at all.

2.  Adults Form Families

New norms arise for this environment, norms geared to prevent premature family formation. The new paradigm prizes responsible childbearing and child-rearing far above the traditional linkage of sex, marriage, and procreation. Instead of emphasizing abstinence until marriage, it enjoins: Don’t form a family until after you have finished your education and are equipped for responsibility. In other words, adults form families. Family life marks the end of the transition to adulthood, not the beginning.

I was raised on the Adults Form Families model, and, in turn, am raising my children on it.  And while I agree, in part, with the phrase, If you’re old enough to have sex, you’re old enough to take responsibility (which I tell my children often) I don’t subscribe to the “live by the sword, die by the sword” philosophy when it comes to sex and pregnancy.  In essence, I don’t think teenage pregnancy is ever anything to celebrate, or hold up as virtuous.  To me, the punishment – of  having a baby and/or a shot-gun wedding – doesn’t fit the “crime.”

This disconnect is why Red Families and Blue Families shake their heads in disbelief when the other side talks.  It’s as if we inhabit different planets.  And there’s plenty of judgment on both sides, of which I am guilty.  I have witnessed situations where a Red Family’s teen daughter becomes pregnant, and what I’m always being told is this:  At least she’s having the baby.  She could have sneaked off and had an abortion, but she didn’t.  She did the right thing.

And I’m thinking, “Are you flippin’ kidding me?  She has just derailed her future, and you’re turning her situation into, not only a good thing but something to be praised and… emulated?”

And it seems the research is on my side. Ross Douthat (yes, that Ross Douthat) states:

The authors depict a culturally conservative “red America” that’s stuck trying to sustain an outdated social model. By insisting (unrealistically) on chastity before marriage, Cahn and Carbone argue, social conservatives guarantee that their children will get pregnant early and often (see Palin, Bristol), leading to teen childbirth, shotgun marriages and high divorce rates.

This self-defeating cycle could explain why socially conservative states have more family instability than, say, the culturally liberal Northeast. If you’re looking for solid marriages, head to Massachusetts, not Alabama.

To this Blue Family member this just makes sense.  Getting a well-paid job with a High School diploma or GED isn’t really possible in today’s world.  Hell, a four year degree isn’t what it use to be.  Which leads me to my next question:  Why do Conservatives mock intelligence?  Why is an advanced degree something to sneer at – and if that degree is from Harvard…

So, yeah, I don’t get it, but Red Families don’t get me so we’re even.  Only… we’re not even.  Blue Families have pulled ahead.