Tom Carper’s Email – Translated into English

Hi there,
I hear a lot about the “fiscal cliff” every day, and chances are you do too — either in the paper or on the news. But we rarely hear the details of how we got into this mess and what it really means for Delaware and our country. So, as we used to say in the Navy, I want to give you the “straight skinny,” as best as I can give it.

Hi There Peons and losers – My advisers told me to write you an email about the “fiscal cliff” so here it is. Also, I was in the Navy bitches! Unlike some squirrely looking hippy c*&cks#@ker who will remain nameless.

I have put together a new web page — carper.senate.gov/fiscalcliff — to provide a direct and honest “Q&A” about what has happened to lead to this combination of year-end tax increases and spending cuts, what will happen to our country if they take effect, and how we may possibly come to an agreement to avoid them damaging our economic recovery.

If you want to waste some time, check out this web page one of my guys put up. You will see how I had nothing to do with the fucked up mess we are now in.

Essentially, Congress and the President have failed to find a compromise to reduce our deficit in recent years. That failure has led to the “fiscal cliff” — a term coined to represent the combination of the expiring Bush tax cuts for all Americans and the automatic spending cuts set to take place as part of sequestration, a process set into motion by the failure of last year’s budget “supercommittee.” Many economists believe that, if we go over the “fiscal cliff,” our economy will dip back into recession, hampering job growth and the economic security of millions of American families. We can’t let that happen.

Like I said – I had nothing to do with the fucked up mess we are now in. It was that Kenyan guy and those dopes in the House. Did you get the part about me having nothing to do with this fucked up mess? That part is important. Remember… “Black guy + Orange guy = bad” You dolts should be able to manage that.

Congress and the President should instead come together and agree to a comprehensive plan, along the lines of that put forward by the bipartisan Bowles-Simpson deficit commission, that reduces our deficit by $4 trillion and puts everything on the table. If we do that, we can get our fiscal house in order and show the world that we’re still capable of solving big problems.

Here is another thing, we need to cut benefits on you low-lifes and grifters. Get over it. It’s happening. Also – we need to lock in huge tax breaks for corporations with this Bowels-Simpson thing. Don’t worry about the details, it would be like trying to explain gravity to a monkey. Just remember Corporations need overseas tax shelters.

So check out my new web page and get more information on the ‘fiscal cliff.’ Cut through the clutter and find out how we got into this mess and, more importantly, how we can get out of it. Visit carper.senate.gov/fiscalcliff to get started.

So blah, blah, blah I really couldn’t have any more contempt for you reading this right now. I’m just bursting with it. I want to punch you in your fucking face so badly right now.

With warm personal regards,

I am,
Tom Carper

I am Tom Carper, and you’re not.