This post only got three comments last year, but I’m at a perfect 100% after 6 years, so I have to keep it going. Okay. Wild Horse vs. Bird – A battle royal of spirit animals. Let’s break it down.
A Bronco is a wild horse or one that habitually bucks. A “Seahawk” is a colloquially term for an Osprey. The Osprey is a raptor, so it passes the first test of birds in fights (or Superbowls) – it has talons. Not only does it have talons, but it has four talons. When in flight, 3 of these toes face forward, and one backwards. When clutching prey, one talon swivels to face the rear. The upshot is that once it grabs something, the seahawk isn’t letting go.
Meanwhile, the bronco’s key (and let’s face it) only real strength is getting things off its back. That’s not much a strength, but it is one that seems uniquely suited to cancelling the sea hawks grabby/clutchy strength. So we have to go to second level strengths.
The Osprey lives everywhere except Antarctica. It is so well adapted to life on earth that there is only essentially one type of Osprey – the Osprey. The bronco has no second level strength, in fact all so-called “wild” horses really only want to be saddled and ridden. Consider the fact that all north American horses are descended from domesticated horses. They are the offspring of a millennium of breading for cooperation and acquiescence.
While some broncos have bad attitudes and appear to be wild, even the most bad-ass bronco is waiting for Robert Redford to enter the paddock and make it simmer down by being quiet and allowing the horses tame cooperative nature to inevitably emerge. In a grueling back and forth war of attrition the seahawk will prevail.
Here is a recap of past year’s picks:
XLIII February 1, 2009 Steelers v Cardinals Or, a steelworker vs non-raptor birds. No contest. Cardinals fans should be prepared to never win a Super Bowl unless realignment has them facing off against the Browns one day.
XLIV February 7, 2010 Saints v Colts People think Saints are good natured, but a great many were genuine bad asses. Think St Sebastian, who is the patron saint of tailors because the Romans had to load up his body with 50 arrows to get him to die. (Thereby giving him the appearance of a pin cushion… get it? Okay, I don’t assign patron saints to things. ) Also, a Colt is a baby horse. So, a baby anything v a full grown anything is a prohibitive underdog.
XLV February 6, 2011, Packers v Steelers This was a tough one but Packers are used to sawing live cows in half with bandsaws, and casually emptying blood out of their boots while grabbing a smoke at break-time. Living with that kind of gore day in and day out affects the mind.
XLVI February 5, 2012 Giants v Patriots The Tea Party has doomed the Patriots. They will not see another Lombardi trophy until the ashes from the tea party are scattered and people go back to thinking of patriots as patriotic heros – not as unhinged weirdos. Plus Giants are giant and virtually unbeatable vs normal sized humans.
Last year – Ravens v 49ers – 49ers are crusty kooks, who are dangerous because they have a wild card mentality as a result of living outside of normal society and flaunting our bourgeois conventions. Like the conventions against wearing the same underwear for three years or not having sex with your donkey.
The Ravens, meanwhile, are not only the smartest bird – but the smartest animal in the animal kingdom, scoring consistently near 1800 on the SAT test. What they lack in talons, they make up for with cunning. They are creative thinkers and problem solvers (which normally would be useless in a Super Bowl) but this year because of the matchup against the unpredictable 49ers – it is going to be a crucial strength.
Ravens win.