Senator Tom Carper’s Greatest Hits: The DL Guest Posts

From 2007 to 2009 we got some great guest posts from Senator Tom Carper. I always enjoyed the saltiness of them even though I was routinely threatened with dismemberment.   Anyway,  stumbling over one of them yesterday made me nostalgic, so I went and dug up TC’s greatest hits.

This was the first one.  In it, he was trying to explain to the DL audience why he voted to give George W. Bush the authority to bug every phone, and read every email in the country without probable cause.

First off, ease up on the name calling. I am a US Senator and can have your headless body dumped in a Rio de Janeiro landfill within 48 hours. Seriously.

Secondly, just because Republicans have done all they can to destroy our country and shred our constitution, and I happen to think Democrats should back down and take it does not mean I’m not a Democrat.

I mean, I’m sick of the Republicans too.But I think the way forward is to compromise. For example, I’m glad that we Democrats allowed the recent Bush wiretapping bill to pass.

You may call it a surrender, and say that it represented the worst political instincts of the Democratic party. But I say it is “keeping our powder dry” for when President Bush really gets out of line.

The DLC is determined to keep our powder so dry that it will be the driest substance in the freaking universe.Right now our DLC powder is a hundred billion times drier than chalk and I think it can be drier still.

You just don’t understand the value of extremely super dry powder.  If you did you would not call me an a-hole.

Shortly thereafter he copped to not reading the FISA bill and turned from explaining to simply being pissed off at DL.

So I didn’t read the FISA bill. Maybe I should have, maybe not. That is for historians to decide. I’m more concerned with the here and now.

For example, some big money guys from BoA are dropping off some checks here and right now I’m practicing up on a little catechism they gave me to memorize about how punitive interest rates and hidden credit card charges are good for the economy.

They gave this thing to me way back in May and I have totally blown it off. Vilsack gave me a mnemonic thingy he came up with to help me remember it but it is some long winded mid-western BS about Sally finding a Hedgehog in a cornfield or some shit and I needed a mnemonic thingy to remember the mnemonic thingy. Anyway, these guys are going to be majorly pissed if they show up and I don’t know this crap, but I digress.

Here is the main thing. Call me a dumbass again and I will have the IRS open an unholy can of whip ass on you and everyone who was ever nice to you right down to your 4th grade teacher Mrs. Dearing.

Yes – I know who your 4th grade teacher was. Let that sink in tough guy.

As time wore on, the Seantors patience frayed.

Dear Fuckface,

I told you to stop calling me an a-hole, didn’t I? I’m a United State Senator you ass-wipe. You better respect my ass or you are going to be in a world of hurt.

And I don’t mean you are going to find sugar in your gas tank. You have no idea how much power I have. I will turn your sorry world upside down. Web-sites you’ve visited, people you’ve called, I know it all dude. ALL OF IT. Let that shit sink in for a second. Keep calling me “a-hole” and that knock on your door will be the IRS to turn your “a-hole” into the Lehigh Valley tunnel.

I shit you not.

Tom

When Donviti made a mockery out of his voting record, Senator Tom Caper replied with this gem.

Donviti –

I am displeased to find out that you have joined others at Delaware Liberal in disparaging my reputation because you have a problem with my so-called “voting record.”

Frankly, I expected more from you. Although I’m from West Virginia I have a deep respect for your people and flatter myself to think that I have some things in common with noble new world sons of Victor Emmanuel III like yourself. Traits that we no doubt have in common include; an abiding love of opera, a natural way with the ladies, and an eagerness to settle questions of honor with violence.

Again, like you, these are things that I don’t exactly go around bragging about, but neither do I keep my God given talents on a trophy shelf. So when I say that if you call me a fucker again I will “convince” you that it was a mistake, I’m sure you get the fullness of my meaning.

Tom

By 2009, Senator Tom Carper’s had learned that blogs are pretty powerless so his dispatches to DL picked up a less angry and more mocking tone.

Jason330,

You kill me. Seriously, you amuse me. You make me laugh. You are a clown to me. Let me see? If I keep voting to protect bank profits, a bunch of unwashed-pinko-Grateful-Dead-looking-rejects are going to be sore. Do I have that right?

All righty then.

TC

PS. I’m mad at myself for the five minutes I spent being pissed off at you losers.

I’m not a big fan pf profanity myself, but I loved when Senator Tom Carper (or whoever was writing these ?) threw around some juicy cuss words, as he did in this, our last communique from the Senator.

Dear Pencil Dick,

I see you have your panties in a knot again. I’ll bet you wet your pants when you heard about the golf trip I just took with Mitch McConnell, didn’t you?

Guess what, I don’t even play golf. I Just did it to fuck with stupid little worthless pukes like you. Just like I’m fucking with your hero right now. Green energy in the budget, give me a fucking break. Shown me some green and show you some energy. That’s my budget proposal.

My other proposal is this – stop putting my name in the fucking headers of your shit ass blog unless you want me to use your nutsack for a change purse.

Have a nice day!

TC

PS. I didn’t play golf with Mitch, but I could if I wanted to. Hell, I could play nude jacks with him on CSPAN and I’d get re-elected, so eat it.