Picking the 2015 Super Bowl winner using my never fail “which mascot would win in a fight method”

After six years, the science of “which mascot would win in a fight” continues to confound the experts with a 100% success rate. That’s right,  6 for 6 Bitches!  Suck it Terry Bradshaw!

Anyhoo…let’s take a look at Super Bowl XLIX (official pronunciation – “Super Bowl Ex-licks”).

This could be a tough one.  The American Revolutionary style colonial militia “Patriot” vs. Bird.  Frankly I was rooting for Packers vs Colts because that would have been dead easy.  But as Dick Cheney once said, “You may pray for defenseless victims and the easy snuff out of a bewildered child or an enfeebled old lady, but in the end you get what you get.”

Here is what I said about the Seahawks last year.

A “Seahawk” is a colloquially term for an Osprey. The Osprey is a raptor, so it passes the first test of birds in fights (or Super Bowls) – it has talons. Not only does it have talons, but it has four talons. When in flight, 3 of these toes face forward, and one backwards. When clutching prey, one talon swivels to face the rear. The upshot is that once it grabs something, the Seahawk isn’t letting go.

Peyton Manning learned the hard way that, while it doesn’t look like much on paper, insane grabby/clutchyness is a formidable strength. What about the “Pats”?  Here is what I said about the Patriots back in February of 2012.

The Tea Party has doomed the Patriots. They will not see another Lombardi trophy until the ashes from the tea party are scattered and people go back to thinking of patriots as patriotic heroes – not as unhinged weirdos.

While the Tea Party is diminished, the mystique of Tri-Corner hat is still being undermined by clowns who think The Constitution was written to preserve states rights, and that God wrote the Declaration of Independence. Unfortunately (for New England Fans) the Patriots mascot continues to be claimed by your crazy father-in-law who quotes Fox News from his medicaid subsidized Rascal scooter.  Bottom Line:  Seahawks by 7. (Here is a link to a picture that predicts Tom Brady’s future.)

[Please note: While the science of Mascot Matchups attempts to predict Super Bowl outcomes while scrupulosity avoiding actual football talk, I feel the need to say a few words about the Patriots Coach, Bill Belichick.  Those words are – Fuck you Bill Belichick, you cheating scumbag.]

Here is how the science of mascot match-ups picked the past 6 Super Bowls.

XLIII February 1, 2009 Steelers v Cardinals …or, a steelworker vs non-raptor birds. No contest. Cardinals fans should be prepared to never win a Super Bowl unless realignment has them facing off against the Browns one day.

XLIV February 7, 2010 Saints v Colts – People think Saints are good natured, but a great many were genuine bad asses. Think St Sebastian, who is the patron saint of tailors because the Romans had to load up his body with 50 arrows to get him to die. (Thereby giving him the appearance of a pin cushion… get it? Okay, I don’t assign patron saints to things. ) Also, a Colt is a baby horse. So, a baby anything v a full grown anything is a prohibitive underdog.

XLV February 6, 2011, Packers v Steelers – This is a tough one but Packers are used to sawing live cows in half with bandsaws, and casually emptying blood out of their boots while grabbing a smoke at break-time. Living with that kind of gore day in and day out affects the mind.

XLVI February 5, 2012 Giants v Patriots – The Tea Party has doomed the Patriots. They will not see another Lombardi trophy until the ashes from the tea party are scattered and people go back to thinking of patriots as patriotic heroes – not as unhinged weirdos. Plus Giants are giant and virtually unbeatable vs normal sized humans.

XLVII February 3, 2013  Ravens v 49ers – 49ers are crusty kooks, who are dangerous because they have a wild card mentality as a result of living outside of normal society and flaunting our bourgeois conventions. Like the conventions against wearing the same underwear for three years or not having sex with your donkey.

The Ravens, meanwhile, are not only the smartest bird – but the smartest animal in the animal kingdom, scoring consistently near 1800 on the SAT test. What they lack in talons, they make up for with cunning. They are creative thinkers and problem solvers (which normally would be useless in a Super Bowl) but this year because of the matchup against the unpredictable 49ers – it is going to be a crucial strength.  Ravens win.

XLVIII February 2, 2014  Broncos v. Seahawks –  While some broncos have bad attitudes and appear to be wild, even the most bad-ass bronco is waiting for Robert Redford to enter the paddock and make it simmer down by being quiet and allowing the horses tame cooperative nature to inevitably emerge. In a grueling back and forth war of attrition the Seahawk will prevail.