I find stuff like this fascinating.
In a nationally representative survey of single, childless people in 2011, more men than women said they wanted kids. (On the other hand, more women reported seeking independence in their relationships, personal space, interests, and hobbies.) A different poll from 2013 echoed those findings, with more than 80 percent of men saying they’d always wanted to be a father or at least thought they would be someday. Just 70 percent of women felt the same.
It really hasn’t been that long since women actually had control in having children. My grandparents had a lot of children. Without effective birth control (along with societal and religious expectations) people of that generation had a lot of kids. The Pill came onto the scene in my mother’s generation – and there was much rejoicing! – however, the idea that people get married and have kids was still the only plan on the table.
And while I’ll admit the “get married and have kids” plan still strongly exists (ask any couple who’s decided not to have kids how often they’re asked when they’ll have kids, or told they’ll eventually change their minds if you don’t believe me.) this survey shows an interesting trend. And the reasons women cite for not wanting children (seeking independence in their relationships, personal space, interests, and hobbies) seem to really come down to this:
The majority of today’s young people of both genders seek an egalitarian split in work and family responsibilities. But even if both partners want it, women are aware that they probably won’t get it. Achieving equality in the home is easier said than done: In a 2011 survey of fathers, 65 percent said they believed both parents should spend an equal amount of time on child-rearing. But when asked about their realities, 64 percent said their wives provided more care. “I think before you have kids it’s a lot easier for men to imagine combining work and family,” Coontz said. “There’s work involved with having kids that women can anticipate better than men. We saw our moms do it.”
That’s both men and women saying that women will provide more child care. It’s no wonder more women are questioning whether the want to have a baby.
I am a stay-at-home mom, but how this came about might surprise you. My decision to stay at home had nothing to do with “bonding” or what was best for the baby. Hell, the baby didn’t even exist when we decided I’d stay home. So what was my decision based on? Two things:
1. Finances. The cost of quality daycare is ridiculous. Had I stayed working almost all of my paycheck would have gone to paying for daycare – the remainder would have gone to diapers, wipes, laundry detergent (until you have a child you have no idea how much laundry is involved. It’s staggering. 🙂 ), clothes, food and a million other expenses.
2. Labor distribution. I was one of the last of my group to have kids so I got to observe. What I saw was eye opening. Mothers were doing most of the work – and my generation was the one supposed to be different. We are better, and men have really stepped up (and yes, I know there are fathers that do more than mothers, but that really isn’t the norm), but we still have a long way to go. So when I looked around my first thought was, “I can’t do all that. I can’t work, cook, clean, grocery shop, take kids to the doctor/stay home when they’re sick, etc.” Even more important – I didn’t want to do all that, but I knew I would.
And yes, a lot of these expectations I placed on myself – or had placed on me by a society that expects women to work outside and inside the home. Mr. Pandora didn’t really care if the house was cleaned and he never expected dinner on the table, but I did. It was ingrained in me.
What I also knew was this: Babies are a lot of work. I grew up around babies and saw what was involved. My husband did not grow up around babies. Needless to say, our views of what was involved differed greatly. His focus centered on loving the baby, taking it for walks, Christmas mornings, playing, etc.. Mine was, well, a bit darker. I knew sleep was history along with movies, dinners out, socializing without diaper bags. I knew my life was about to completely change and it was frightening. I lost count of the number of times I questioned my decision to become pregnant. What had I done? I wasn’t remotely ready for this.
Yes, everything worked out for the best (so far!) and neither of us regrets having kids – altho, I’d be lying if I said we never fantasize about what our life would be like if we’d chosen the child-free option. That fantasy usually involves the piles of fun money we’d be rolling around in, because kids are expensive. Don’t believe anyone who tells you differently.
And I honestly don’t know how working moms do everything most of them do. I’m sure there are pros and cons to every situation. I ended up loving staying at home, but I had my resentments (doesn’t everyone?). One of my biggest was feeling that my time wasn’t valued (by almost everyone) and how my home constantly became a daycare center… since I was home and could help out working parents, for free. But a lot of that resentment faded when I purged certain people. Go me!
But we all know working moms are viewed differently compared to working dads. (Has any man ever been asked how they plan to juggle work and a baby?) Women leaving work to take care of a child is a given (and usually comes with some resentment), while men doing the same thing is praiseworthy. That said, I’m sure there’s a line for how much time a man can take off, and I bet men know where that line is drawn.
I also know there’s still a huge amount of pressure for men to be the main breadwinner, and don’t even get me started on the eyebrow raising and masculinity questioning that stay-at-home dads endure. Society loves its traditions, and will gladly shame anyone who goes against them.
Which brings me back to plans. Seems like when it comes to having a baby it’s a crap shoot. I always chuckle when I listen to expectant parents’ plans (I was so guilty of the same thing!) because I know many of those plans will be blown to dust. Yep, I was one of those pre-parents who stated smugly, “I’ll never use the TV as a babysitter.” Um… Best. Babysitter. Ever. If Cartoon Network had held a fundraiser I would have gladly contributed. Often.
Discussing baby plans with your partner is really important – even if all the plans don’t work out. You need to make sure you’re on the same page. Consider this:
She eventually told her husband about her missed period (which later turned out to be a false alarm), and he was overjoyed. But she voiced her concerns. “I was like, ‘’You know, you travel four months out of the year. I will have to give up my entire life if I’m going to have a kid.’” She had already thought through the disruption, but the notion that his life would change was entirely new. “Even in a progressive, liberal, feminist household like ours, there was still that idea that the woman will stay home and the guy will keep working … or that a man’s work isn’t going to be compromised.” At one point, she asked if he would consider quitting his job to be a stay-at-home father given how much he wanted a baby. “That just wasn’t the plan he had in mind,” she said.
“That just wasn’t the plan he had in mind.”
Yep, I’m big on communication – and how your life will be once having a baby isn’t something to discuss after the baby arrives. Neither one of the people in the above story is wrong, but, boy, they sure weren’t on the same page. Add to that that a lot of couples that opt to keep working or stay at home change their minds once the baby arrives. Can we ever really plan for a baby? And if we accept that plans can easily fall apart can we blame women for being hesitant? Because when plans fall apart, most people agree that it’s mothers who end up providing the most child care – it’s the default position. And those couples that try and buck the system find themselves constantly battling society’s rules.
So… if you were looking for a solution, you came to the wrong post!