Where “Bridge-gate” Stands Now & How Christie Got His Fat Man Tit Caught in a Ringer

Here it is in a nutshell. Going into reelection in November 2013, Chris Christie was riding high in the polls, and a virtual shoe-in to be the GOP nominee to run in 2016. Then his office ordered the closure of the George Washington Bridge in order to fuck with Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich for withholding his endorsement. (Christie was already going to win big, but he wanted a HUGE margin of victory to prove what a Presidential candidate stud he would be in 2016, and because he is a dick.)

To get out from under the clouds of controversy, Christie then committed further crimes. He hired his lawyers to work in official capacity for the state of New Jersey to “investigate” the situation and produce a report exculpating Christie. That report became known as the Mastro Report.

Randy Mastro was a lawyer for the firm Gibson Dunn & Crutcher. For Mastro to concoct a story that let Christie off the hook, he had to accuse Christie deputy chief of staff Bridget Anne Kelly and former Port Authority appointee Bill Baroni of criminal activity.

To defend themselves, lawyers for Kelly and Baroni have asked for the notes from the Mastro report. Christie appeared to be surprised by this turn of events, as he must have thought Kelly and Baroni would find it honorable to take the fall for such an august personage.

Gibson Dunn & Crutcher scrambled and said, “Uh…We don’t have any notes.”

“Yes you do because there were four staffers writing away furiously when we were being interviewed.” Kelly and Baroni said.

“Yes you do because this was an official report paid for by New Jersey taxpayers and we have laws about records retention. So produce the fucking notes or you motherfuckers are also looking at jail time.” the courts have recently said. That’s a paraphrase.

That’s where it stands now. And if ever legal misfortune has ever befallen a bigger bunch of creeps, I don’t know about it.