I haven’t been blogging a lot because this spring and summer have been crazy. My youngest graduated high school, had her wisdom teeth removed, and attended orientation at the university she finally decided on. My oldest knocked off a summer course at UD (He’s starting his senior year of Mech Engineering and decided to take a required gen-ed Philosophy course over the summer mainly because he knew he wouldn’t give it the attention it needed given his course load this year. Sounded like a good philosophy to me!) Add to that all the shopping for my daughter’s dorm, ordering textbooks, finalizing class schedules, endless list making, packing up two kids, scheduling doctor’s appointments before both of them left the state, and fitting in a lot of family time and you’ll see why my blogging lagged.
I still read DL every day!
But this weekend everything came to a screeching halt. They left. In the blink of an eye I went from having a million things to do and a house full of people (and chaos!) to… silence. That freaked me out.
And even though they haven’t been gone long the impact is immediate and it’s kinda silly what I notice (besides missing their company!). Things like… not running the dishwasher twice a day. Preparing a meal without considering everyone’s preferences. Not organizing car usage. Grocery bills under 250.00. Not stepping over discarded shoes, clothes, backpacks, etc.. I’ve gone from considering the needs of four people to only thinking about two. Suddenly my time is my own and I have no idea what to do with it. I’m feeling a little lost, and if I’m honest… a little useless.
I started looking for a job several years ago and the only thing I’ve learned is that I’m pretty much not hire-able. I’ve been out of the workforce for 21 years. (Wow!) It’s just a little depressing to keep applying for jobs and not even getting a call back. It’s also a little scary to think that once I’m done cleaning and organizing the house (that will actually stay that way now that the kids are gone) I won’t have much to do. Mr. Pandora has a lot of “suggestions“. I do love that man!
Is this how retired people feel? I’m not old enough to retire, but it does feel like my job has ended. (I know that a parents’ job never ends, but this is the end of a stage.) A part of me finds myself questioning my decision to stay home with my kids. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being home with them and I couldn’t be prouder. Two kids in college, both engineering majors and both on scholarships is something I’m extremely proud of. And yes, I will take some credit for that. Not all, since my kids worked hard to get into their universities with enough scholarship money to graduate without loans and debt. But… I can’t help but wonder as I sit here typing this post if I, maybe, should have gone back to work when they started school? Altho, when I think of what I would have given up I can’t really bring myself to regret my decision. I’m a bit conflicted.
Going back to work when the kids start school isn’t that easy for a city resident. Since the state and school districts decided to create high poverty schools and pull out all desirable programs, city parents are forced to Choice. That means city residents are responsible for driving their kids to and from school. I don’t even know the luxury of a school bus. Everyday, depending on the grade, I had to drive and pick up my kids. And given the age difference of my children, drop off and pick up spanned a big chunk of time. I’m not sure how working parents accomplish dropping one kid off at 7:20 and another off at 8:20 and then picking one up at 2:15 and another up at 3:15. If your kids have a bus… lucky you. And, lucky me. As a stay-at-home mom I had the luxury of blocking out 3 hours of my day to drive my kids to school and pick them up and drive them home. That was my privilege.
Now I find myself with a lot of time on my hands. Mr. Pandora has already scheduled two trips for us in September and October. Have I mentioned I love that man! He also travels quite extensively for work – to really cool places. Hello, China! – and is thrilled that I’ll finally be able to hop onto these trips. I’m extremely lucky.
As I type this I wonder what the hell my problem is. I’m also wondering who I am, and what use I serve, without children at home. I think my plan is to start volunteering (I’ve always supported Planned Parenthood. I should start there) and even if that never turns into a paid position at least I’ll be doing something I believe in.
The chicks have flown. The nest is empty. And I’m a little lost. Who am I without children at home? A question I probably should have asked myself earlier, but, in my defense, I was really busy! 😉