JPMorgan v. Yahweh, Case No. 1081RP

Filed in National by on September 2, 2015

JPMorgan Chase settled a lawsuit accusing it of putting its interests ahead of an historic church endowed by descendants of drug company founder Eli Lilly and mismanaging its trust accounts.

Lawyers for the bank and the Christ Church Cathedral told a federal judge in Indianapolis on Friday they reached an agreement, according to a court filing. Settlement details weren’t included in court records.

The church, founded in 1837 and listed on the National Register of Historic Places according to its website, accused JPMorgan of causing its trusts to lose about $13 million in value from July 2004 to December 2013. The losses flowed from the bank’s decisions to “purchase over 177 different investment products, mostly from itself, using church funds,” according to a complaint filed two years ago.

There’s a special place in hell for this bank. And yes they will go to hell, because corporations are people and Hell has a special place for anything that that is deemed human (yet soulless) by America. Must I remind you that they are one of Delaware’s largest employers.

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  1. Jason330 says:
    September 2, 2015 at 9:53 am

    The losses flowed from the bank’s decisions to “purchase over 177 different investment products, mostly from itself, using church funds,”

    Holy shit. That’s an airtight business model endorsed by Lucifer himself.

  2. donviti says:
    September 2, 2015 at 11:22 am

    money on the back end and front end. Fees! Fees! FEES!!!!!!

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