Like John Carney, this Governor will protect you from mass shooters if they are Syrian

Kudos the Pete Reynolds writing at Mcsweeny’s

As Your Governor, I Will Protect You From Mass Shooters If They Are Syrian.
BY PETE REYNOLDS

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When I took the oath of office, I swore to do everything I could to protect the citizens of this state from harm. There is nothing more important to me than ensuring that we are safe and can gather in our public places without fear of mass, indiscriminate violence. The nightmare scenario — the one that keeps me up at night — is the one where some individual could easily and legally obtain a firearm and use that firearm to kill innocent American citizens and also that the individual doing the killing is Syrian.

That’s why, as long as I’m your governor, I vow to do everything in my power to prevent Syrians from shooting you while you are at the mall. No Syrians will enter a movie theater and start shooting you. Syrians will not shoot you at church, or in a restaurant, as long as I am governor. College campuses also will not be places where it will be okay to be shot by Syrians. As your governor, I will ensure that no Syrians enter your child’s elementary school and start shooting your child.

Here are some other places where I will not tolerate American citizens getting shot by Syrians: community centers; school cafeterias; hair salons; nursing homes; office buildings; night clubs; temples; supermarkets; lecture halls; dorms; trains; house parties; playgrounds; post offices; front yards. If anyone at any of these locations were ever shot by Syrians, I would take swift and decisive action to protect our citizens from ever again being shot by Syrians.

This is how you know that I am concerned about your safety: no Syrians.

No Syrians will be able to just walk into a sporting goods store and purchase a deadly weapon on a whim or buy bulletproof body armor online. No Syrians will be allowed to attend gun shows and purchase whatever firearms they desire without restriction. And I refuse to support special interest groups whose sole mission is to profit from putting weapons into the hands of people, if those people are Syrians. Were there such an organization devoted to equipping Syrians with as many guns as they can afford, I would not bow to that organization’s every wish, because I am a public official, and I care very deeply about the safety of our citizens when it comes to whether they might be shot and killed by Syrians.

To that end, I promise to require full registration and tracking of all Syrians, and a “cooling off” period for anyone who wishes to become Syrian. Because this much is clear: the answer to the problems posed by Syrians is not more Syrians.

But it doesn’t matter, because there will be no Syrians.