My daughter started college last fall and within the first two weeks her roommate dropped out. That meant she had the dorm room to herself, which she loved at first, but then grew to feel she was missing out on an important part of the college experience. I agreed.
That changed over the holidays. My daughter was assigned a roommate for the spring semester. She was thrilled. The young women immediately started texting. For the most part the texts dealt with questions of what my daughter had in the room, what the new roomie needed to bring, and general procedural questions about dorm and university life.
We took her back to school last Sunday afternoon. Three hours later my daughter texts me:
She is super religious…
I replied that college will expose you to different sorts of people. She agreed. A day later I received this text:
She doesn’t want my boyfriend, or any boy, over at night. Not spending the night, no boys at night at all
I told her that wasn’t her roommate’s call, and she could have her boyfriend and her male friends over as long as they were respectful.
Next text from her:
She says it makes her uncomfortable. She is really nice, and all. Just super conservative Christian
Hmmm… how to handle this? We spoke on the phone. I told her that she should be aware and respectful of her new roommate, but the new roommate didn’t get to make all the rules. I then asked her what rules she had made. Her answer: None. My first, immature reaction was for her to make rules that the roommate wouldn’t like, but I didn’t tell my daughter that idea because it’s petty and dumb. Instead I told her to do what she normally does – have her boyfriend over in the evening to watch Netflix and be personable and inclusive. She took my advice, and while the roommate wasn’t happy my daughter established precedent.
The second night they went to dinner together and my daughter’s gay, guy friend stopped by their table. Yep, I received more texts:
She thinks being gay is a choice
Her family only allows her to wear dresses and skirts
She doesn’t believe in evolution
My response: “Why are you even in these conversations?”
Her response: “I was getting a bible lesson.”
My response: “You need to shut these conversations down.”
This led to another phone call. We decided that the best way to handle this was telling the roommate that they would have to agree to disagree and while my daughter respected her right to her beliefs she didn’t share them and would prefer they weren’t the topic of every conversation. She also said that both of them needed to respect each others friends. That seemed reasonable to me, but the roommate didn’t seem to agree. I come to this conclusion because my daughter says the “religious” talk and rules haven’t stopped, they’ve actually increased. Sigh… I knew this would happen.
More rules appeared; rules about sex, drugs, alcohol, make up, parties, clothing, etc. – and we’re only four days in at this point. The roommate didn’t ask my daughter’s views on these issues (she hasn’t asked my daughter’s views on anything) she simply issues edicts. The funny thing is my daughter’s first roommate was a party girl and my daughter wasn’t entirely comfortable with that. Had her new roommate even attempted a conversation with my daughter she would have found some common ground, but she didn’t. My daughter responded to her by saying, “You don’t even know me. Why are you making assumptions?” The roommate’s answer? A bible verse.
Of course, I knew exactly why assumptions were being made. It’s the nature of the beast. The roommate is quite comfortable in preaching her beliefs, but not the least bit interested in my daughter’s thoughts. It is curious why a person with such strict beliefs would choose a highly urban, highly diverse university and why they wouldn’t request a single room. And we may be heading that way. Altho… my daughter won’t request it.
Basically, I think this is a good experience for her. She needs to learn how to interact with different people. She is also learning to stand her ground respectfully and not simply give in to the loudest, most strident voices. Hopefully, both young women will learn something from the other. Hopefully, a compromise can be reached. Hopefully no one loses it and ends up wailing at the other.
As usual, DL readers, your thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated.