A Self-Respecting Feminist?

Yesterday’s comment section was, indeed, nuts, but when I went back and reread it several things jumped out at me.

First, the incorrect use and expectation of feminism. Let’s start with the definition of feminism:

That’s it. Basically it’s about women being treated and having the same opportunities as men. It’s about keeping the standards and expectations the same for women and men. It doesn’t mean you always side with women and are always against men. It means a woman has the right to her own thoughts and opinions and actions – even if we disagree with them. The most obvious example of this rears its head in the Mommy Wars (Destructive, divisive wastes of time) that says: In order to be a feminist a woman needs to work outside the home. (ugly flip side: women who work outside the home are bad mothers. Ugh.)

Both men and women are guilty of this behavior, but they are soooo wrong and prove they don’t understand feminism. To me, as a feminist, I support women doing what they want and what works for them. Their choice is simply that – their choice. It’s not good or bad. It’s simply their decision. Supporting women’s choices is feminism.

To say, “You’re too stupid to realize that the “none of your business” answer BUTTRESSES the idea that she has something to hide. Which she probably does, and what she probably wants to hide is that any self-respecting “feminist” would have struck out on her own, but she was unwilling to give up the access to power for both of them.”

I actually found this comment interesting. There’s so much there. First, her “none of your business” answer means she’s hiding something? Okay, let’s say she is. What could she be hiding? Open marriage, sham marriage, calculated political move? That’s a big leap for me. Most people I’ve known who’ve experienced cheating feel a variety of things – heartbreak, betrayal, embarrassment. By going with the open/sham marriage and calculated political move we make the person cheated on an accomplice to the cheater’s behavior. We blame her for his actions. It’s sorta like, “You made me hit you.”

Now, none of this means that the commenter couldn’t be correct. The point is that he has absolutely NO WAY of knowing one personal detail of their marriage, and yet it was put forth with such certainty; not about what actually happened, but about who Hillary is – something he couldn’t possibly know. Somehow we make Hillary complicit in Bill’s adultery. In order to believe that we’d have to believe that, not only is she cold and calculating, but that she’s stupid – that she signed onto his affairs ignoring the political fallout that discovery would bring. Not very calculating.

Sure, she’s a public figure and a lot of this is fair game, even if it is disappointing to read comments like this. This is one of the biggest right-wing talking points out there. It feeds into… Hillary is cold (frigid?), calculating, overly ambitious narrative. There’s so much of this out there. I have a friend who says she’s been told she has a “resting bitch face”, something said to no man ever. We could spend hours discussing that one, and all roads would eventually lead to men telling women to smile – and if she doesn’t smile… well, then she’s obviously cold and calculating. Vicious circle.

We’re on that road here, folks. Basically, what was being said (and this isn’t really about one commenter. This hit a chord with me because it’s so pervasive.) Hillary did it wrong.

Second, this sentence: “Which she probably does, and what she probably wants to hide is that any self-respecting “feminist” would have struck out on her own, but she was unwilling to give up the access to power for both of them.”

Before getting into this, let me say: There is no one rule as to how a “self-respecting feminist” acts in this situation. It’s like a funeral. People grieve differently, and no one gets to judge that. If you’re going down this path (which really amounts to, yet again, telling a woman what to do and how to act) you might need to take a step back and ask yourself why.

This line (she should have left him) has been around forever. It’s tossed out there without much thought, so let’s think about it. She should have struck out on her own? So, she should have moved out of the White House and taken an adorable little apartment in Georgetown? Or maybe people mean she should have waited until Bill left office (two years later) and then left him? I’m sure her staying for those two years wouldn’t have been held against her. I’m sure people wouldn’t have said that she left him after benefiting from being First Lady. How calculating. But maybe she should have just publicly chastised him (it would have to be public, right? We’d have to know, right?, because no one would have called her a nag, a fishwife, a woman who couldn’t sexually satisfy her man. Starting to see how this works? Right there. That’s the point of this post – the no win situation.

The double standard is alive and well. Pointing that out isn’t me telling you to support or vote for Hillary, because the language being used is bigger than her. Believe me, I have been in situations where I’ve had to defend attacks against women I don’t personally like because the attacks are sexist and, in the end, weaken valid points.

FYI: This really isn’t a post about Hillary. Hillary is the example used in this post. Everybody got that? Hope so!