Since I went underground before Thanksgiving, I wasn’t even going to write this post, but three very close friends said I should.
Last November my Dad became extremely ill. His kidney’s failed and he was diagnosed with mid-stage Congestive Heart Failure. He began dialysis immediately and was in the hospital for over a month, followed by a long stay in a nursing home for rehabilitation. My mother’s life became filled with twice daily trips to the hospital (a forty minute drive each way) while I drove back and forth to the beach to help where I could.
Upon leaving the hospital last January, my Mom became his constant caregiver. He was down to 124 lbs and everything became a struggle. The writing was on the wall and I was at my rope’s end trying to keep everything together. I knew my Dad’s life was ending and I worried my Mom’s health was at risk given everything she was taking on. Basically, I was a mess.
He worked hard and improved a bit by this past summer. He hit 135 lbs and was able to walk and do other small tasks. But he slept a lot and frequently ended up in the emergency room followed by a hospital stay. This was the path we were on for the last year.
On Thanksgiving my Dad said to me, “I’m not going to make it.” I knew he spoke the truth. I was torn between being strong and dissolving into tears. I did both – at different times. I was strong for him. The tears came at night – when I was alone. My brain was racing, too. As typical for their generation, my Dad handled all the finances, so I worried about how my Mom would cope.
Then, another worry emerged, one that had taken root a while ago and I could no longer ignore…
Time was running out, but how it would run out became my concern. He was at the point where my Mom wouldn’t be able to care for him on her own. Decisions needed to be made. Do you know what nursing homes cost? I do. I traveled this path with my father-in-law so I am well aware of how expensive they are and how an extended stay would eat up my parent’s assets and could very well leave my mother destitute. The most difficult thing for me was to acknowledge that the best case scenario would be a quick, not prolonged, death.
That realization made me feel awful. Who thinks like that?
I started looking for apartments in Wilmington. I figured if I could move them close to me (to a place with wheelchair access) then I could help my Mom take care of my Dad full time. I could also (hopefully) put off a nursing home by adding my support and hiring a part time nurse to do the things my Mom and I couldn’t. I looked into several places and was going to go to the beach on Monday, December 5th to visit and give my Mom a break.
I didn’t go to the beach. I ended up at Christiana Hospital. My Dad died at 12:40am on December 6th. My Mom and I held his hand as he passed. It was one of the saddest and most beautiful experiences of my life.
On his prayer card, instead of a scripture verse, we printed the words to Sinatra’s My Way. Those words summed him up perfectly, and I’ve thought about the last two verses of that song a lot over the last several weeks.
My Dad died one month ago today.
His death has led me to reevaluate my life. And I’m making changes.
I’m sharing my story because it will give insight into where I was and where I’m at. I always take the long way to get to the point. Which is…
It is time for me to leave DL.
This past year with my Dad’s failing health and his death has made me think long and hard about myself, and the truth is, I don’t like myself on DL anymore. I am not blaming anyone. It’s just time for me to have a fresh start.
For the last 6 weeks I haven’t blogged at all. I’ve been thinking and lurking. It was good to take a step back, and I regret that my decision comes so soon after this weeks drama. I assure you, my timing is my own. I love blogging. I don’t want to stop, but I don’t think DL is the place for me right now.
Delaware Liberal has been (and will continue to be) a political force. This blog is full of wonderful contributors and commenters and some of my best memories and interesting conversations have taken place on DL. It’s just time for me to go.
In the name of transparency… I do plan on writing for Blue Delaware. This is not a slight against anyone. I had been thinking of moving on, starting my own thing, etc. for a while. There was a time when there were many Delaware blogs and we bounced off each other. Those days, to me, were the best. They had energy, humor, and, yes, flame wars. We fed creatively off each other, and it was a good thing. I hope we can find that again.
I am so thankful for the opportunity to write for an amazing blog and meet an amazing group of people. There are so many people I want to give a shout out to, but I worry I’ll forget someone so I’m not naming names! I will personally thank Jason330 and LiberalGeek for asking me to join DL. It’s been an amazing ride. You guys are the best! It’s just time for me to try something new, to make a new start.
I wish everyone the best of luck, and promise to keep reading and commenting on DL. It truly is addictive!