Dumba$$

Hi Middle America, poor white people, and everyone else so mad that the world was no longer favoring just you and your shitty circumstances, that you voted for a maniacal egomaniac—it’s me, your liberal, elitist, east coast friend judging your dumbass choices. I used to feel sorry for you, but now I’m vacillating between abject pity and sadistic joy as I watch you freak out now that you’ve realized that the “salt of the earth,” “middle America” senators and representatives you elected don’t give a shit about you. Did you think it was just people with dark skin they were going to target? Are you just now realizing that they do not care if you are white. They only care if you are rich, and you are NOT.   Note, if you are rich, great for you!  Team “the rich get richer” crushed it in the last election.

For everyone else, I’m here to walk you through this difficult time. Actually, forget that, I’m here to point out some hard truths and hopefully help you confront the reality of your new, soon-to-be even worse, financial situation. I also want to try to point out in a soft and supportive manner how stupid you must feel—I’m a good friend.

 After Hillary lost by winning 3 million more votes than Trump—I know, math is confusing– the party line was that Democrats lost touch with “real America.” Middle America (a/k/a real America) didn’t feel loved, and so to show the world how mad y’all were (look, I’m reaching out by using your vernacular), you opted to vote for someone who fires people for fun—you know like a regular American. You opted for Trump because “he told it like it was” and because maybe you could call women Tits McGhee and slap them on the ass all while having people applaud your clever nickname—like the good ole days. I know. It sounded like an amazing world, where we had a wall to keep out Mexicans, who aren’t even illegally immigrating in a fashion that a wall would address because most illegal immigration is now happening from people flying into the country and over staying their visas—wait, how tall is this wall? Oh it doesn’t matter. We can make the wall a million miles high to keep those planes out, and Mexico is going to pay for it!!! And by Mexico I obviously mean tax-payers.

 I know you probably feel pretty shocked right now, and that’s where my joy comes in. I know you might be thinking that I’m mean, but really, it’s that I’m fair. Let me explain. I’m fair because you are now being forced to live in a world you were happy to create for others. You fell for it. You believed them when they talked about welfare queens, and illegal immigrants taking all your free government stuff. It’s not that you have a problem with free government stuff, it’s that you think only you have earned it. You’re not a taker. THEY are takers. So of course we should cut funding for Planned Parenthood—only takers need cancer screenings. And SNAP benefits? Only illegal immigrants and non-whites need food when they live in poverty, right? No way my Senator would get rid of the parts of the Affordable Care Act that actually save lives, like no life-time max benefits, children’s insurance, pre-existing condition bans. They are only getting rid of the “Obama” part of “Obamacare” right? RIGHT?

So here you are, 30 million people are about to be without health insurance because you fell for the insurance companies’ line when they told you that your rates were only rising because of the black president. You fell for it when they blamed rate increases on illegal immigrants being covered. Because insurance companies, like you, are the salt of the earth working people who we should believe. They would never price gouge essential medicine like epi-pens. I know you guys hate socialized medicine, but LOVE your Medicaid which makes me laugh until I pee a little. Nothing warms my elitist heart like hearing people complain about socialism then watching them arrive at an ER with a sick child and no insurance to pay for the life-saving treatment they need, and then getting to pay for that treatment myself by watching my rates creep up to compensate for your socialist ass. Your socialism is so much better than mine. Morons—oops, I mean friends.

But at least you still have your guns. Hopefully when you get pneumonia your gun will save your lungs. Or maybe the Republican plan of “have you tried not being poor” will work out for you. Either way enjoy living in the fuckery-filled world you sought to create for others.