HELLO, I AM THE MYTHICAL MIDDLE-CLASS PERSON WHO REPUBLICANS SAY WILL BENEFIT FROM THEIR NEW TAX BILL

Salutations. Greetings, old sport. I humbly greet you with a wave of my white-gloved hand. Is this how middle-class people greet one another? I’m only asking because I want to make sure you’re a middle-class American just like I am. I, of course, know how common citizens of this country say hello, for you see, I too am a middle-class person. And, like all middle-class Americans, I sure am excited to reap the rewards of the brand new Republican tax plan.

Liberal news pundits insist that this tax bill will irreparably harm our economy and the middle class. These pundits wonder how any middle-class citizen could ever support a bill that hands money to the wealthiest few while gutting important safety-net programs and hiking taxes for average Americans. Well, as a middle-class person who loves this tax plan, I am here to tell you that I exist, I am real, and I am as excited as a Clydesdale in the springtime to see our country’s long-suffering corporations pay lower taxes. I bathe in bottled water and my son’s name is Davenport.

by BOB VULFOV
Via McSweeny’s

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