Thanks to everyone who helped determine that Trump lickspittle Ron DeSantis of Florida has the most punchable face among America’s Republican governors. Condolences to Georgia’s Brian Kemp, who ran even with DeSantis for a while before fading to second, probably by staying out of the news for most of the week. Texas’ Greg Abbott took the bronze, an admirable showing for a paraplegic, a condition that would elicit sympathy if a human victim.
Now it’s time to figure out which Republican senator has the most punchable face. The contestants:
Mitch McConnell, Kentucky: The morning line favorite because of his chinlessness, his truculence and his position as majority leader.
Lindsey Graham, South Carolina: Puffy, pale and obsequious is no way to go through life, but it is an advantage when it comes to prompting violence upon one’s countenance.
Tom Cotton, Arkansas: Young, pencil-necked version of hangdog-faced Southern politician lacks a long track record but can’t be discounted due to record of bullying gormlessness.
Ted Cruz, Texas: Smug piousness is his visage’s calling card; added bro beard fails to disguise his dickishness.
Susan Collins, Maine: At a disadvantage going up against the boys, but can’t count her out based on her homeliness and vapid, vacillating demi-smile.
Ron Johnson, Wisconsin: Blue-eyed, vacant-faced simpleton is known as probably the dumbest member of the Senate.
Rick Scott, Florida: History’s biggest Medicare fraudster is a dead ringer for Voldemort of Harry Potter fame, or else Bat Boy of Weekly World News fame.
Kelly Loeffler, Georgia: Distaff newcomer’s wall-eyed, trophy-wife vibe and insider self-dealing can’t be ignored.
Pat Toomey, Pennsylvania: Contemptible jug-eared greedhead is pretending he’s a moderate now that the tide has turned against him.
May the most punchable face win.