Generic News Roundup (In Case of Ennui Break Glass)
I understand Jason330’s despair at trying to summarize the news lately. The media, as they did during the maladministration of the Last Guy, have fallen into a tiresome reliance on clickbait headlines in which only the proper nouns change. It’s OK, Jason. Anyone can fall victim to MOES — Media Over-Exposure Syndrome.
So, recognizing that MOES can strike at any time, here’s a generic roundup that can be used whenever the Open Thread compiler succumbs:
Democrats squabble over (choose one)
a) Israel
b) infrastructure
c) minimum wage
d) whether Congressional cafeteria should institute Meatless Mondays
Capitol rioter arrested, turned in by
a) his spouse
b) his child
c) his mother
d) his dating service
Court documents show that Proud Boys/Oath Keepers intended to
a) spur Trump to invoke martial law
b) smuggle guns into D.C. from Virginia by boat
c) take hostages and issue demands
d) dine-and-dash at Denny’s because nobody brought any cash
New evidence shows former Trump official
a) engaged in insider trading
b) misused public funds
c) ran a secret spy operation out of his office
d) still thinks he can find a publisher for his memoirs
Republican officeholder utters racist remark, then
a) goes on TV to complain he’s being canceled over racist remark
b) goes on social media to complain he’s being canceled over racist remark
c) goes on speaking tour to complain he’s being canceled over racist remark
d) utters another racist remark
Marjorie Taylor Greene compares Holocaust to
a) mask mandates
b) vaccine passports
c) transgender rights
c) sign over sink that says “Employees Must Wash Hands After Using Toilet”
Obnoxious public tantrum gets Trumper
a) thrown out of store
b) thrown off airplane
c) fired from job
d) nominated for Senate seat
Poll finds 68% of Republicans
a) believe Trump is still president
b) think tax cuts for the rich benefit everyone
c) have a personal relationship with Jesus
d) wonder if those pink things in the urinal taste as good as they smell
Updates to this roundup will be issued as required.
Classic!
It is funny, but this really does capture about 90% of what passes for news these days.
Bravo
All of these headlines, except for some of the punchlines, have already seen print, most more than once.
Fun fact from the Patent Troll Podcast:
Not only was Coons the in-house counsel for Gore, but the preponderance of the legal team under his purview were patent attorneys.
Well of course they were. When all you’ve got is a molecule…
He got that cushy gig at Gore totally on merit, by the way. I don’t want anyone saying he got it because his step dad was Robert Gore. How dare you?