Predicting the Super Bowl By the Mascot Matchup Method – 2022

It almost goes without saying that there is virtually no scenario in which a Bengal Tiger doesn’t defeat a male sheep.  But will they cover the points spread?   My proprietary Mascot Matchup Method™ doesn’t have an opinion on that.

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Until he abruptly stopped a few years ago, our own Jason 330 was the nation’s most successful Super Bowl prognosticator. How did he do it? By his proprietary Mascot Matchup Method™, which determines the victor by examining the question of which team’s avatar would win in a fight.

I haven’t watched a football game in at least 10 years, but that shouldn’t matter using Jason’s formula. Problem is, I’m having a hard time figuring out who’d win this fight.

Buccaneers aren’t just pirates, or weren’t at first. They were the outcasts in Spanish America who traded, black-market style, with the newcomer English, Dutch and French, and thus were enemies of the hated Spanish. Eventually Buccaneer became the term for any Caribbean pirate before piracy waned in the early 1700s. Pirate ships were noted for being run on democratic terms — crews voted for their captains, and all shared in the spoils. But their fighting abilities, as a Quora writer explained, were seldom put to the test:

They would first try to scare a merchant ship crew into giving up without engaging in combat. If the scare tactics failed to work, the pirate crew would board the merchant ship and take it by force. Pirates developed tactics for boarding and taking a ship effectively. They would send some pirates up the masts in order to fire muskets at the merchant ship in order to try to pin the merchant ship’s crew down while other pirates jumped from ship-to-ship. Once on board, they used short swords called a cutlass, and flintlock pistols because there would be a lot of people fighting in a small area. I’m certain that it took time and practice to develop tactics that would be effective so my guess is that they were pretty good at the type of combat that they engaged in.

“Chiefs” is now, of course, considered racist, but the name was chosen to conjure the fighting prowess of the Native Americans who once populated the plains. The tribe that controlled the region were the Osage, known for their especially well-made longbows. They were powerful enough fighters to hold onto an area larger than Missouri for 150 years. On the other hand, they are known for an incident called the Cutthroat Gap Massacre, in which they slaughtered a Kiowa camp of women, children and the elderly.

So who would come out on top? Buccaneers aren’t women and children, and though Tom Brady is getting a little long in the tooth, he’s not elderly. So I’d expect the Bucs to attack in their usual manner, trying to get the drop on the enemy and end it without a fight. But the Chiefs can counter with a long-range attack, so the bum rush might not work.

I can’t decide who’d win. What do you think?