“I commend the Biden administration’s swift actions to address challenges posed by the closure of Silicon Valley Bank and Signature Bank and to shore up our banking system as a whole. [I have heard from my billionaire CEO peers, my true constituents,  and they approve of Biden’s plan.]

After being briefed by officials from the U.S. Treasury Department, Federal Deposit Insurance Corp., and Federal Reserve over the weekend, I am significantly reassured about the path forward. [I am a very important person, that’s the key message I am trying to get into your dumb heads.]

Their solution ensures depositors have ready access to their funds and taxpayers will not have to shoulder the financial burden. [I’m going to go along with the fantasy that these are not taxpayers funds.]

The administration’s actions should give all Delawareans confidence that their federally insured deposits are safe and that our banking system is resilient. [My CEO peers assure me that we’ll all be back to making money off you suckers in very short order.]

I will continue working with my colleagues to explore what additional steps, if any, we may need to take to further strengthen our financial system.” [I’m dying to extol the virtues of  “bi-partisanship” in closing by my staff has threatened to quit if I do.  Also in closing, if you expected me to admit that my votes to gut Dodd-Frank were flat wrong and resulted in the exact type of bank failures that many anticipated, you are hilarious.]