As the breezy B-side to “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number,” the most successful single of Steely Dan’s career, “Any Major Dude” got some airplay and has long been a fan favorite, included on most of their greatest-hits compilations. The lyrics are elliptical, but one line stands out as especially puzzling:
Have you ever seen a squonk’s tears? Well look at mine.
In those pre-internet days it wasn’t easy to learn that a squonk is a mythical creature, first seen in print in 1910, said to inhabit the backwoods of Pennsylvania, aka Pennsyltucky. The lachrymose cryptid’s description is short on details beyond its shame and self-pity over its extreme ugliness – skin covered in warts and boils are noted – and its ability to disappear in a puddle of tears when cornered.
I bring this to your attention because minor league baseball, engaged in an ongoing quest for the silliest team names possible, has moved beyond the Lansing Lugnuts and the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp. The Lehigh Valley IronPigs, the AAA affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies, is adopting an alternate identity. At a game in June they will compete as the Lehigh Valley Squonk. Why they are a singular Squonk rather than the Squonks is as impermeable a mystery as the relationship between Rocky Bluewinkle and Mr. Celery.
Colorful team names go way back in baseball – the Toledo Mud Hens were founded in 1896, the name a sobriquet for the American coot, a duck-like bird native to the marshes near their ballpark – but savvy 21st-century team owners realized they could make a few bucks selling merch featuring goofy mascots, so they’ve proliferated. Hence the Akron RubberDucks, the Hartford Yard Goats, the Birmingham Biscuits and dozens more – none of which are mentioned in a Steely Dan song.
Genesis wrote an entire song called “Squonk” on “Trick of the Tale,” their first album without Peter Gabriel. Mike Rutherford and Tony Banks said they were inspired by Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir.” Like squonks, they should be ashamed of themselves.
