Stealing From Jesus’ General
Narrator:
One day a man was riding a bicycle in the street, on his way to meet friends before going off to his job at the factory. It was a fine day, and the man smiled as he rode through the streets of the town, honking his little horn and waving to the shopkeepers he had grown fond of over the years. He was eventually struck by a bus and then run over by another bus and finally smashed completely flat by a third bus.
Please send money to help us help him fight death. Please let us continue this important fight–just a few more dollars, rightly used, and he could be up and about in no time. Pay no attention to the footage of the fourth bus running over him (“goddamnit man!”) as this is the kind of footage that naysayers exploit, and serves to crush the morale of the emts and paramedics who depend on your support as they perform their difficult–damn, a fifth bus just totally smithereened that guy.
We need more money, more love and more support, and this brave man will surely–okay, buses number six and seven…crap, eight…please support us as we work to save this poor man, who rode his bicycle through the streets of…what the fuck was that? A tanker? He was run over by a tanker? What the hell is he now, a fleck? He’s a fleck of a man?
Just send money, and more good thoughts, and we can save this man, this noble, proud fleck of a man, as he…what was that thudding? Anvils? Anvils are dropping from the sky onto the fleck of the man, the man who loved his little town, and used to ride his bicycle and wave to…alright, we have confirmed through DNA testing that we can build this man again, if we just send more money and love.
Support the Dead Man. Keep hope alive!
I’m sorry, we cannot do DNA testing. The Religious Right said they won’t give us any more money if we do that, because somehow its against God. We’re not sure what God they’re talking about, but as long as the checks keep clearing the bank, we truly don’t give a fuck. And actually, even if we could do DNA testing to help out ‘bus-man’, we probably would put as much effort and care into it as we do Veteran’s hospitals.
And bad things only happen to Democrats, with the exception of gay Republicans.
I hope the above was a war analogy, otherwise I’m looking pretty stupid right now.
Do Hube, Chris and Kilroy not respond to this type of post because allegories confuse them?
“Do Hube, Chris and Kilroy not respond to this type of post because allegories confuse them?”
Hardly. I saw what he was going for by the first sentence of the second paragraph (of course, seeing that Jace posted it, I should have just assumed, he is too transparent).
It wasn’t worth responding because, well, while a pseudo-creative story, it was hardly an adequate allegory.
A more realistic allegory would be Jace and friends waving white flags and surrendering to every bus that comes by, while at the same time claiming there is no danger. Talk about confused…
Chris –
Thanks for helping the Dead man fight death!! You are what America is all about!!!!
Keep sending your money, love and more support, and the Dead Man will make in in spite of all my surrendering.
Then you can REALLY taunt me.