Warning: “Choreplay” Isn’t A Cute Phrase, So Don’t Use It. Really, Just Don’t
Even as a stay-at-home mom who handles almost all the household work, the term “choreplay” irritates me. Haven’t heard it yet? Well, here’s what it means: Men can get more sex if they do chores around the house.
This NYT article makes a lot of good points, including the part about fathers and women’s voices in business. (Note to beer and car manufacturers: I’m the one who buys most of the beer in our household. I don’t drink beer, but I buy it for my husband since I’m the one who runs most of the errands. I’m also part of the car buying decision. So if your ad is sexist and I don’t like it, I won’t buy your product. Perhaps, you should cater to me, too. I swear, when I watch some of these commercials I know there aren’t women, in positions of power, making decisions, because half this nonsense would never be aired if there were.)
But here’s where the NYT’s article goes off the rails:
If that isn’t exciting enough, try this: Couples who share chores equally have more sex. As the researchers Constance T. Gager and Scott T. Yabiku put it, men and women who work hard play hard. One of us, Sheryl, has advised men that if they want to do something nice for their partners, instead of buying flowers, they should do laundry. A man who heard this was asked by his wife one night to do a load of laundry. He picked up the basket and asked hopefully, “Is this Lean In laundry?” Choreplay is real.
Choreplay is real? I hope not.
Wash the dirty dishes, not because there are dirty dishes, but because men will be rewarded with sex for doing something that needs to be done? This is really a thing, and we need to nip this nonsense in the bud. Now I’m not saying that taking chores off your spouse’s plates can’t be romantic or appreciated, but the idea of men doing chores because it will pay off sexually implies that housework is women’s work – and that men doing laundry or dishes is somehow going above and beyond what is expected of them. Basically, it’s saying: Men shouldn’t have to do chores, so when they do they deserve a reward.
It also makes sex into a business transaction (just like the “good old days” when picking up the dinner check equated into a woman having to put out. Hey, I bought you lobster!). It reduces sex into something men want and something women must endure. “Oh hell, he vacuumed, guess I’ll have to give him sex tonight.”
Do men want women viewing sex as a chore? Because that’s the flip side. I would hope not. Sex, at least good sex (and I’m beginning to think that’s rare), is something both people should want and enjoy. It should not be a lie back and think of England, gotta cross this off my to-do list sort of thing, because well… he did do a load of laundry. Buying into choreplay means buying into transactional sex – I did this for you, you do this for me. It paints the picture of sex being something only men want, and something women suffer in order to have the bathroom cleaned. And if men and women start buying into choreplay I see problems on the horizon. Seriously, who wants to equate sex with laundry? And if you find yourself doing this… stop. Just stop.
I remember whenever my father emptied the dishwasher he’d say, “Honey, I did the dishes for you.” Yeah, there’s a generational thing going on here (my Dad is almost 80), but my mother would always, and I mean always, counter with, “They aren’t my dishes.” My Dad did stop saying that, and it concerns me that “choreplay” seems to be moving us backwards instead of forwards.
So, can we please not buy into this choreplay nonsense? No one deserves a reward for doing things that need to be done. And no one deserves a partner who only has sex with us because we washed the dishes.
Tags: Choreplay, feminism, Women Issues
It’s such bullshit. I do the laundry, dishes, yard work, take care of the bills, cars, problems around the house, clip the dogs nails.
As I do more in the hopes of getting the choreplay, it only freaking exists in my head. Then I resent my god damned wife more because I read an article like this that says the guy across the street from me is getting a nobber while he cleans and folds his wife’s lulu lemons.
“I did the laundry honey ….blow me”
“yeah right…blow yourself…and when your done fix the sink, it leaks. I’m going to bed, I have a headache”
But, you are a god among men and never have to “pay” for it! That’s a compliment, btw.
I guess:
“when you help out around the house, your partner will be happier with you and less tired, therefor feel more amorous”…. OR
“a relationship is a partnership, dont expect the physical perks that come with it if you treat your partner like a maid” …. would have been too harsh for some LOLmen to deal with.
I think the article was written the way it was, because “mens rights” whiners get a sad every time someone reminds them they are over privileged.
I think the writer, in simply reporting the fact that people who share chores also have more sex, implied causality that isn’t necessarily there.
And if you think most men would rather have no sex than a partner who thinks of England, you don’t know as much about men as you think.
Ben, the MRAs and co. can be found on almost every comment thread on the internet. Do these guys not work or are there really that many of them? They must have a system like the gun nuts, who apparently send out email alerts whenever someone types the word gun. And yeah, I think you may be right in saying that paragraph took into account MRA’s. They are like a swarm of locusts.
Geezer, I think many people would pick bad sex over no sex – it’s not just a man thing. I also think bad sex is a prime reason/excuse for cheating. If there are problems in the bedroom, odds are the real problems are outside the bedroom.
I think I read the word “choreplay” three times before realizing what was written. I was sounding it out like music……
Anyway, people who write these articles must have there own bartering system going on in a lousy relationship and attempt to “normalize” and/or engage those of the same ilk for validation or commiseration.
Because the day my husband thinks folding the laundry upped his sessions over a surprise bouquet of flowers…….I will keep keep him folding laundry till he wants nothing to do with sheets. And the day he thinks a surprise bouquet of flowers, translates to no laundry duty and bodice busting benevolence….well that will be the day I wake up, and realize what a fool I’d been to marry either such a lazy sloth or a manipulative masher.
28 years married. Lots of laundry. Lots of flowers. Lots of kids. Lots of chores. Lots of….. But for the life of me, I can’t find that transaction table.
And “Sheryl”…whoever you are in the NYT article, your therapy sesions may be fee based, but marriage isn’t.
Leave the clothes in the dryer, the dishes in the sink, and come to bed. This time. It’s your spouse not a check-in with Santa. Geesh….who hires these writers to perpetuate such dribble?
Carry on Pandora…wink…wink….and Donviti…you’re a good man, so keep those pleats pressed, or in “your mind” what you rightfully do out of love and responsibility gets diminished by the joker who does pay and play. Mother of your child. You chose well.
they are the same people as the gun nuts
LOL, Joanne! So very true.
Ben, do you really think MRAs are the same people as gun nuts? I think there’s some cross over, but MRAs simply do not like women. At all. Gun nuts like women with guns or women who “need” their protection, but I don’t get the same resentment from them.
I think both groups contain almost entirely men with ….. adequacy issues.
MRA’s will tell you they like women just fine…. women who act like women should, and who respect men.
I think Mens Rights is only the latest conservative fad. They have to give up on marriage oppression, but it comes from the same impulse as “affirmative action is racist”. White men who feel victimized because they feel left out since EVERYONE ELSE is now recognized as having been their victim at one time or another.
these are broad generalizations, btw. not all white men are gun nut MRA weirdos….. (nothing creates a fresh crop of em like forgetting that disclaimer and i dont want to add to their ranks.)
Ben….don’t get your panties twisted into a knot over this.
see?
Oh, I just saw this. Love the use of the word “panties” to question you, Ben. It’s just so obvious in its insecurity. It also doesn’t address the post. Yep, I’m going to have to write an MRA post.
Oh, it totally addresses the post…
Andrew W. Mellon dismisses it by saying it isn’t something worth getting upset over….. not something a MAN should think twice about anyway.
He then goes on to imply that I MUST be a woman… no MAN would ever have whatever opinions or thoughts I expressed…. or if I AM “male”, I’m a transvestite, whipped, or some other misogynistic fantasy. It’s actually quite fascinating.
This isn’t a thing. It never was a thing. Google “New York Times Bogus Trends” and and take a look.
http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/press_box/2010/07/the_new_york_timesbogus_trend_factory.html
http://www.complex.com/pop-culture/2013/02/the-25-most-ridiculous-new-york-times-trends/
Let’s all remember that’s it’s only the internet. Last week the country has an “amazing” argument about color that happens between spouses every Saturday at the paint department at the Home Depot. This isn’t a trend. It’s isn’t anything. It’s a made up thing.
thanks, obama.
I don’t think this is a made up thing. Okay, choreplay is a silly term, but the idea of men doing things (buying dinner, doing housework, being nice) and feeling their efforts should be rewarded sexually isn’t new. Linking sex to non-sexual things isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship and the NYT article linked men doing housework to sex. That’s the problem. It bought into the idea that housework is women’s work and that men doing housework are doing women a favor (women’s work) and should be rewarded.
And we see this with a lot of Nice Guys™ who treat women like vending machines – put in enough nice chips and sex should be dispensed – and become very upset when the only thing they get (for their less than honest efforts) is “friend zoned” or as women call it… friendship.
So while the term “choreplay” may be a fad, the sentiment behind it is not.
Fair enough. I guess what I mean is this. Like the mania around “the dress”, it’s a thing, but it’s a very common thing. Like I said, go to the paint department at Lowes tomorrow and watch every couple disagree about shades of green and blue and purple.
So, yeah, a guy picks up his wet, dirty towel off the bathroom floor and thinks he deserves a prize. What’s the best prize a guy could get… blowjob to completion.
It doesn’t need a name. It’s isn’t trend. It’s certainly isn’t novel.
” Linking sex to non-sexual things… isn’t new”
That’s true. The dawn of time comes to mind. Will we ever evolve past that? Who knows? Since sex is a primal force in all mammals, my guess would be that when the necessity for sex as means for reproduction, mammals will cease doing whatever they have do to get sex. Until then, women can always just metaphorically refuse to cook dinner. After all if women are in a relationship where the man thinks that housework is woman’s work, it isn’t just the guy who has bought into that societal more. It takes two to tango.
I dont really like using “the animal kingdom” so support the notion that sex is a transaction.
A lot (not all, birds are pretty progressive) of the animal kingdom reproduces because the male is able to chase down and subdue the female…. which Humans know as……
Sure, the sex drive is strong in men and women. Why do we keep focusing on sex as a reward for men and a burden for women? I’m afraid some people don’t know that women like/love sex, too.
As far as it taking two to tango… both sides of this equation have been conditioned to see pink jobs and blue jobs. Women are in relationships where society thinks housework is women’s work. Women are impacted by these societal views – they aren’t immune. Just like women can be sexist. Thankfully, that is changing, but it still exists. And being cute about “choreplay” doesn’t help, it just reinforces stereotypes.
I think about sex on average every 6 seconds
500,000 years of homo sapiens evolution isn’t going to be altered by 6 seasons of Sex and the City.
Or the NYT. Where’s my flowers? And honey, don’t use wire hangers 🙂
It could be that both “more sex” and “more equal distribution of chores” are both caused by the same variable, “a caring relationship”. But what do I know?
Thanks Alan Alda.
I’m betting Alan Alda gets laid All. The Time.