A Learning Experience – College Roomies
My daughter started college last fall and within the first two weeks her roommate dropped out. That meant she had the dorm room to herself, which she loved at first, but then grew to feel she was missing out on an important part of the college experience. I agreed.
That changed over the holidays. My daughter was assigned a roommate for the spring semester. She was thrilled. The young women immediately started texting. For the most part the texts dealt with questions of what my daughter had in the room, what the new roomie needed to bring, and general procedural questions about dorm and university life.
We took her back to school last Sunday afternoon. Three hours later my daughter texts me:
She is super religious…
I replied that college will expose you to different sorts of people. She agreed. A day later I received this text:
She doesn’t want my boyfriend, or any boy, over at night. Not spending the night, no boys at night at all
I told her that wasn’t her roommate’s call, and she could have her boyfriend and her male friends over as long as they were respectful.
Next text from her:
She says it makes her uncomfortable. She is really nice, and all. Just super conservative Christian
Hmmm… how to handle this? We spoke on the phone. I told her that she should be aware and respectful of her new roommate, but the new roommate didn’t get to make all the rules. I then asked her what rules she had made. Her answer: None. My first, immature reaction was for her to make rules that the roommate wouldn’t like, but I didn’t tell my daughter that idea because it’s petty and dumb. Instead I told her to do what she normally does – have her boyfriend over in the evening to watch Netflix and be personable and inclusive. She took my advice, and while the roommate wasn’t happy my daughter established precedent.
The second night they went to dinner together and my daughter’s gay, guy friend stopped by their table. Yep, I received more texts:
She thinks being gay is a choice
Her family only allows her to wear dresses and skirts
She doesn’t believe in evolution
My response: “Why are you even in these conversations?”
Her response: “I was getting a bible lesson.”
My response: “You need to shut these conversations down.”
This led to another phone call. We decided that the best way to handle this was telling the roommate that they would have to agree to disagree and while my daughter respected her right to her beliefs she didn’t share them and would prefer they weren’t the topic of every conversation. She also said that both of them needed to respect each others friends. That seemed reasonable to me, but the roommate didn’t seem to agree. I come to this conclusion because my daughter says the “religious” talk and rules haven’t stopped, they’ve actually increased. Sigh… I knew this would happen.
More rules appeared; rules about sex, drugs, alcohol, make up, parties, clothing, etc. – and we’re only four days in at this point. The roommate didn’t ask my daughter’s views on these issues (she hasn’t asked my daughter’s views on anything) she simply issues edicts. The funny thing is my daughter’s first roommate was a party girl and my daughter wasn’t entirely comfortable with that. Had her new roommate even attempted a conversation with my daughter she would have found some common ground, but she didn’t. My daughter responded to her by saying, “You don’t even know me. Why are you making assumptions?” The roommate’s answer? A bible verse.
Of course, I knew exactly why assumptions were being made. It’s the nature of the beast. The roommate is quite comfortable in preaching her beliefs, but not the least bit interested in my daughter’s thoughts. It is curious why a person with such strict beliefs would choose a highly urban, highly diverse university and why they wouldn’t request a single room. And we may be heading that way. Altho… my daughter won’t request it.
Basically, I think this is a good experience for her. She needs to learn how to interact with different people. She is also learning to stand her ground respectfully and not simply give in to the loudest, most strident voices. Hopefully, both young women will learn something from the other. Hopefully, a compromise can be reached. Hopefully no one loses it and ends up wailing at the other.
As usual, DL readers, your thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated.
A compromise… No orgies prior to 7:00pm or after 3:00am. ?
It is a pisser. The roomie is basically an a-hole. A Christian Ahole, no different that a AC/DC blasting ahole, or a wake you up at 1:00am throwing up on your desk ahole.
Dealing with “that type” of “Christian” is the worst. You are attacking THEIR religion by not following it yourself? please….
While not knowing all the specifics, I would say this seems like a person your daughter isnt going to from a long-lasting friendship with, so there is no need to be any more than civil, while not bending to how she (roommate) thinks a life should be lived. Her (lil’ Pan) guests are her guests. As long as it isn’t breaking any school/dorm rules, she can do as she pleases and if the roommate doesn’t like it, she is free to not be in the room. (though I would tread very lightly with … contraband… girl is probably a narc) Who knows, it might do the roommate some good to learn that there are people who A) arent like her and B) wont be cowed by her. We spend way too much time in this country treading on eggshells for Christians like that and trying to not offend them…. when what offends them people simply living their lives.
Anyhoo, hope it works out. Roommates are the worst. I much preferred living alone until i met Mrs. Ben. (well, technically Ms Kept her Last Name)
“We spend way too much time in this country treading on eggshells for Christians like that and trying to not offend them…. when what offends them people simply living their lives.”
So true. Fuck those fuckers.
Your daughter should see this as a great learning opportunity – for her roommate. Tell your daughter to gently drag the roomie into the 21st century. Humanity will thank her for it.
“one” “word”… Ru Paul’s Drag Race / Rocky Horror Picture Show parties.
Pandora, you realize that the term “Watch Netflix and chill” as a description of an evening activity is not necessarily what you think it means, right?
(Just kidding).
My advice, have your daughter ignore all these rules/edicts. She never agreed to them. If she wants to have her boyfriend over to watch TV, that is her right.
I am well aware of that, DD! 😉 And I don’t really care. She’s an adult.
New text just arrived – the roommate just gave a lecture on birth control. I laughed, which probably isn’t the best response.
I was 17 when I entered the University of Denver and checked into my room in Johnson-McFarlane Hall. My roommate was a 31 year old who just got out of the Marine Corps. He was a conservative who listened to opera and was an heir to an iron ore fortune. One day he walked barefoot into a foreign car dealership and, when they treated him with disdain, he paid cash for a Lotus Elite!
In January I moved to another room with a nice 18 year old from Louisiana.
“New text just arrived – the roommate just gave a lecture on birth control.”
Prediction: The roomie will be knocked up by April. [God’s plan…not mine]
Before we all go sprinting down the “christian a-hole” road and posting things like “fuck those fuckers” about a kid, it’s probably worth keeping in mind that this is likely the roommate’s first year at college as well and potentially her first experience meeting people who are gay, or have boys over at night.
It sounds like this is the first time she’s lived away from home and had control over her own decisions and she’s trying to recreate the rules and structures she had with her family. Already she’s being pushed out of her comfort zone, so maybe she just needs a bit more time to adjust. I think it’s a normal part of college to learn to compromise and coexist with people who have different values. Hopefully Pandora’s daughter can help her roommate mature a little bit and accept that the world is big enough for multiple perspectives. Positive engagement and all that.
Good points, and yet… Fuck those fuckers.
The roommate is 26, but I hear ya, PainesMe – which is why I’ve counseled my daughter the way I have. That said, I want to be sure all the accommodating isn’t only on my daughter’s side. Religion isn’t a trump card to be played to enforce your rules.
It’s a roommate, not a spouse or a cellmate. The torture your daughter is experiencing will end when the semester is over. (I know, for your daughter, a semester must feel like forever … but it’s not.)
My first suggestion … other than not to obsess over the issue … is to recognize that you don’t have to be confined to your room. Yes, use your room for studying, writing papers, and sleeping … but spend more time with your friends, whether it be in the library, the student center, the dining hall or their rooms. (As you learn more about these friends, you may find that they’re not exactly enthalled with their roommates either, and you will find a new roommate for next year.)
Second, limit your interactions with the problem roommate, but do keep them civil. Focus on the things that are essential to your coexistence (don’t leave books on the floor where you can trip over them, keep your stuff in your half of the room, no lights on to study after midnight, who gets first shower in the morning) and don’t let yourself get drawn into conversations that are destined to become arguments.
Third, talk to your resident assistant. You can blow off some steam and let someone with a modicum of authority be aware that there are some compatibility issues. The RA might even have some suggestions that are as good as those provided by regular DL commenters.
Fourth, as you point out, make sure she treats this as a learning experience. My daughter went through three roommates in her first three years at UD. The first one rearranged their entire room when she came back early for spring semester; the second had emotional baggage; the third, a friend from high school, turned out to be an OCD neat freak. She learned even more about different personality types when sharing a house with two other high school friends during senior year.
Through these experiences, your daughter will learn what is truly important to her life, and what is less significant. She will learn tolerance … as well as what she absolutely cannot tolerate. And, when she is ready to graduate, she will be far better prepared to make the really big decisions about what really matters in her future.
Have her put a sign on the room door. Cloven Hoof Bar and Grill. Every 2nd 2nd shot is free and sinful. No cover for men in drag.
As usual, DL commenters have great advice!
I guess my biggest problem is with the judgement – judgement that reinforces gender roles and female sexuality. My husband and I spent a lot of time combating these issues with our kids, but they are so pervasive. Do I think my daughter will question herself? Not really, but a steady diet of judgement isn’t healthy. My hope is that she’ll learn to tune this crap out and learn how to shut this nonsense down. My fear is that she’ll eventually lose her cool and end up in a really uncomfortable situation or, worse… internalize the criticism bombarding her, which society reinforces.
Hell, we’re only four days in and this stuff is increasing. My daughter is still very young. All that said, I’m sure she’ll be fine and the experience will help more than hurt, but as a parent… you worry. I don’t ever want her to feel badly about who she is.
It really isn’t fair that my daughter is more concerned about her roommate’s feelings than her roommate is for her feelings. But, I know life’s not fair, so here I am… trying to turn a negative into a positive. Go me?
The other option is to see if a roommate swap might work. Maybe there’s another super-religious type on the floor who would be comfortable making the switch.
My freshman year roommate had left school and I ended up with a guy from the forestry school (we called ’em stumpies) who was active in the Kampus Krusade for Khrist. Asked me what it was like to be a Jew. Made his own furniture. Tom Waits had it right, “Get down from that cross, we could use the wood.” Anyway, we soon found more simpatico roommates.
BTW, did I ever tell you about the roommate who took only one shower the semester I roomed with him (Parents’ Weekend)? Ah, another story for another time.
A great opportunity to have those discussions and learn about the view from that side…and then to spend her social time elsewhere where establishing that she can do as she damned well pleases in her own “chunk” of the room. Two people will usually have SOMETHING in common. The challenge is to figure out what it is and run with it. Maybe they both like a sports team, for example (unless foosball is the devil ;-)).
My freshman year roommate hooked with with a VERY serious Christian girl early in our first semester. She loved to fuck and LOVED to talk about how important Jesus was in her life. I simply had to ask, “How do you reconcile your feelings about sex and your commitment to begin a Christian?”
This, no shit, was her response. [Imagine a very deep southern accent:]
Football is clearly ran by Satan
Do you have her number Jason?
Mouse has seen the light! 🙂
I think the best advice is what others here have suggested. Suck it up for the semester and find a friend to room with next year. Your daughter should not just give in. If she’s not breaking any rules, her roommate will have to live with boys in the room, objectionable content on TV, etc. I wouldn’t go out of my way to antagonize her, but the roommate has to realize that there are two people and two belief systems in there.
As for the lectures, if it was me on the receiving end, I’d put a stop to them immediately. If I wanted to keep hearing lectures, I would have stayed home. That way, at least I would have had home-cooked meals and someone to do my laundry.
Tell you crank up AC/DC s Highway to Hell and be done with it
Having been through similar situations last year with both my kids at college in freshman year, some observations:
1) There is a reason that this woman was out there available to become a roommate in the middle of the year; most likely she has already had a failed roommate relationship going on; that’s usually who is available at mid-year.
2) Getting to know and getting along with all kinds of people is fine, but subjecting yourself to an uncomfortable and unreasonable set of arbitrary rules and restrictions in what is to be your own space is not acceptable, and leads to an increasing emotional stress on your daughter as the semester goes along and harder work and more deadlines kick in. What is OK tolerable in week one may well become crippling by week ten.
3) You don’t have to be friends with your roommate, and it often works out better if you’re not really close, but if the give and take only work one way then it is not only unacceptable it becomes borderline abusive.
So, for my recommendations:
1) Stand with university policy. I’m willing to be that this university, being public, has pretty liberal rules about visitation, etc. The answer here is, “I’m sorry it makes you uncomfortable, but it is acceptable within dorm policy. How can we make it more comfortable for you, since it is going to happen?” Maybe some “boys’ over” nights can be agreed to happen on nights when the roommate will be out studying or at activities.
2) Right NOW the resident assistant needs to know there is a compatibility issue, and your daughter needs to find out what sort of roommate mediation services there are, so that it can be university authorities not her roommate helping set boundaries of living together. Moreover, it is time to begin establishing a paper trail that she has been cooperative for the time if–no, WHEN–things will start blowing up. She needs to be the person who has initiated the processes to mediate the differences, because that gives her the advantage when it happens.
3) You need to monitor for signs that this is impacting her work and enjoyment of college. I’m not saying be a helicopter parent here, but listen carefully for the signs of impending stress and moving from “getting along” to “getting stressed.” I realize that your image of your daughter is of an adaptable young adult, but she’s in an already high-expectation academic program, and despite her many social skills this is a new environment and a prolonged, forced exposure to someone who wants to control her behavior.
In the game of Risk, there is one strategy that has been mathematically proven to be the most effective: Tit for Tat. You’ve already edged there when you thought about proposing other rules, but that’s not quite how it works. It works like this:
Roommate: I’m really uncomfortable when boys visit you here and I’d prefer that you stop it.
Daughter: I’m sorry that you’re uncomfortable, but being able to invite my friends to where I live is important to me. Is there any way I can help you get over your discomfort with it?
Roommate: No, I just really think you shouldn’t do it. I’m a Christian, and to me what you are doing is unacceptable.
Daughter: What I’m doing is completely acceptable from my background, and within university rules. If you are really that uncomfortable we probably need to have a third party work this out. Would you like me to see if the RA can help us with some mediation?
Roommate: I can’t mediate what is right or wrong for God. I think it’s wrong and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t see what involving the RA would do to help, because it won’t make me feel any better about it, and you shouldn’t want me to feel uncomfortable in my own room.
Daughter: I think I will ask the RA what our options are, because I can’t accept your premise that your religious beliefs should override mine, or should override university policy. I think we can work this out, but if not we need to find that out, too, as quickly and painlessly as possible. Would you like to go with me to talk to the RA or would you be more comfortable if I made the first contact for both of us.
In other words, measured, reasonable escalation and no bending on the basic premise that her discomfort does not allow her to infringe on the reasonable rights and privileges of your daughter, who is paying just as much, after all, for the goddamn room as she is.
How my daughter got rid of a roommate who partied all night and then slept in:
1. Get a second cell phone, leave it in the room.
2. Have phone display “Boyfriend” or something when called from first phone.
3. Call the number frequently in the morning, when out… let it ring.
4. Hang up if she answers.
Roommate was soon gone.
RAs are just other students, and there is no quarantee your RA will be reasonable.
puck, it’s called “process.” If you go to the RD or the Housing people, guess what? They will send you back to the RA if you did not start there unless something really major has happened.
Moreover, especially in large public universities, RAs receive a lot of training and have policies themselves to follow.
And if they aren’t reasonable, you go to the RD–it ain’t rocket science but it IS procedure at virtually every university in the country.
The “process” is designed to “work out differences” and gives both sides equal weight. Not what is needed here. What’s needed is a roommate transfer, happens all the time.
just caught up with this thread. pandora, your daughter should not have to put up with this shit. screw the learning experience. if she can’t avoid her, fight back. humiliate her if necessary. at least that’ll be interesting. discussion won’t help, because religious people deny reason. that shuts down the idea that we need to “respect” other people’s religious views. let it be the christian’s learning experience. didn’t read through steve’s list of how to get rid of a roommate, and i imagine it’s hard to do. but there’s gotta be a way.
“You need to shut these conversations down.”
Right there…..that’s where you failed as a parent.
@Gothsemani: Right there…..that’s where you failed as a parent.
And right there is where you failed as a person. Asshat.
@Gothsemani, you need to have one name here. MassAppe4l or Lump on a Stump or Gothsemani. There won’t be another warning.