Please all, join me this Sunday in my new church called
Christian when Convenient.
I plan on putting a man hanging from a waterboard above my alter. My alter will be made of money of course. I will drink the blood of the innocent dead children of war at about 1/2 way through the ceremony. Also I plan on reading the gospel of George backwards so as not to confuse my members. All Baptisms will be performed on the third Thursday proceeding a full moon. Baptism will consist of 1 cup of crude oil and gun powder. All women will enter on their knees and continue to walk on their knees for the entire hour. If a man gets tired he may rest his feet upon the womans shoulders for comfort. (I call this the mary magdallen technique)
This church of convienience will welcome any other ideas you can come up with. It’s a work in progress like so many religions.
On second thought, since this is all about convenience. I’m not sure what day I will have mass. I can’t really have mass on Sunday’s during football season. Screw the summer, it’s time to sleep and get the yard done in the morning. The winter is too damn cold to button up the freaking kids too.
So, I plan on having one mass a year. I mean most Catholics only go once a year, so hell, I like that idea. The woman on knees thing stays though.
DonViti,
Ya need to take up collections from the poor and give the money to the rich, thereby fulfilling God’s belief that the rich are more deserving than the unwashed poor and should be rewarded here on earth. Also it helps keep the riff-raff in line and willing to volunteer to go kill for America. The more poor the better.
You forgot the annual pilgrimage to Disney World.
Ya need to take up collections from the poor and give the money to the rich,
No, that is a function of government into which the church should not intrude.
What if Jesus has already come again, and we have waterboarded Him and suffocated Him in a sleeping bag or something?
I like #1 and #2
anon,
I took care of that with the waterboard above my alter
Okay, but I am NOT wearing a little waterboard on a chain around my neck.
good point. I need something small I can market and make some cash to fly me around in my new jet.
hmmmm, how about a bullet with the meaty flesh of those that won’t convert on the tip?
Of course, you can have a rotating choice of presiding ministers–might I suggest Jeremiah Wright, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and Pat Robertson?
No, those are saints of the church. We need new blood for our preachers.
I like how you threw in a white guy at the end…good thing you aren’t a tad racist
I think Battle Pope would approve….
http://delawarelibertarian.blogspot.com/2008/04/answer-to-delaware-liberal-what-if-god.html