One night in Bangkok

I was out buying some pants on Thursday when I get a text message from someone asking me if I was going to Drinking Liberally.  I said I was and would be there when it started around 8pm.  Quickly after my sending that reply another reply to my message came back saying it started at 7!

WTF?!  I quickly removed the pants I was trying on, waited for the hired help to get my other pants, then told the lady cradling my testicles that I would take all three pair instead of trying anymore on.  The lady said I made a good choice and that I looked good in the pants.  I quickly corrected her and said, “Pardon me, but I think I MAKE the pants look good.”  She smiled and agreed.   Fans were waiting! Off I went.  Oh and word to the wise,  testicle cradling is an art, only the finest stores have them.  Warm hands are a must!

So we show up and enter the Bar.  Immediately I see this is going to be a good night and slowly walk in.  I’ll be honest with you dear readers and say I made an entrance that few can pull off.  I strolled in, waved to a few people, did the casual “cool” nod to my boy Jason, then shook hands with Nemski.  I could see the bodies leaning into one another as I entered the air space.  The whispers ensued, “THAT’S Donviti!”, “He’s HERE!”  “look, look, look, it’s donviti”  People think they are being subtle, but when I guy like me walks into a bar, he notices the little things.  So Nemski was rocking it with a Guinness and the night was perfect for gulping a pint or 4 of it.  I bellied up to the bar, ordered a round and got Mr. Classy Freddy Glassy his Dewars and Soda. 

The bartender carded me!  That’s right I got carded bitches!  How many of you other bloggers or readers can say that?  Obviously the face peel I had earlier that day, shedded some years off my mug.  The bartendress blushed a little when she read my ID and noticed my name.  I gave her the apologetic nod that meant I understood, I get it all the time sweetheart, I’m even better looking in person.  I offered my hand to hers as a way of breaking the ice and allowing her to touch me.  A soft sympathetic handshake goes along way.  It’s sort of like saying, “it’s ok dear, I’m hot, your in awe of me here touch my hand and let’s pretend this never happened.”  It’s I rarely do, but in this instance I thought it best to make her feel at ease while she serviced me multiples times over the course of the evening. 

She seem honored to have shaken my hand and went on her business.  I turned to geek who had entered almost as coolly as I had, only shalI had taken the excitement from his entrances.  It was sort of like McCain giving his speech after Obama, Sorry LG, next time show up before me.  I gave him a pat on the shoulder, shook his hand and offered to buy him a beer.  He declined and bought me one.  Typical. 

I’m used to men buying me drinks.  I’m ok with it.  I’m a secure man.

So as I turned to meet some other fellow bloggers a small crowd started to gather around me.  Again, perfectly normal, I know how to act.  I introduced myself as the Donviti and shook the hands reaching out to me.   Brian was kind enough to embrace my mitt make a passing joke, he looked for a ring to kiss, but I told him no need.  Joe M took my hand and gladly replied he was honored to meet me.  Again, I get it all the time so I thought nothing of it.  Then I turned and saw a suave young buck that looked like he just finished up a Glee club meeting….Tyler Nixon…How did I know.  I didn’t shake Tyler’s hand though, we did the solid fist knock much cooler than a handshake I may add.   Tyler the only one of the night that did it too.   

Side note:  Tyler I think must be a first generation college graduate of the Delaware Nixon’s.  How do you know Donviti?  Well let me tell you, the fucking class ring the size of a baseball nearly broke my fucking knuckle when we did the fist knock.  But, being the hottest blogger I am also a pretty tough SOB that knows how to handle himself.  I shook it off and made a note to self to only shake TPN’s hand, not punch it. Might makes right with these guys 24/7 I tell ya. 

So after making nice with back to back Polacks, Joe M, said he had something for me “back in his car”.  Now I don’t know about you but I can honestly say that this is not something I typically get from the guy fans.  Usually they buy me a beer, shake my hand and stare at me in wonderement.  Sometimes offer me their wife for a nite.  Not JoeM.  This guy had an agenda.  Now if you don’t know, JoeM got a wee bit offened and pissed off from one of my better posts this Feb.  Joe recognizing his fault wanted to make up for it in the parking lot. 

I’ll try anything once so off I went.  I warned my crew that if I wasn’t back in 10 minutes to call the cops.  I was technically in Browntown and Hedgeville, which meant I was in Joe’s backyard.  Who knew the number of angry Polish men waiting for me outback.  As I walked out to the “car” I was nervous.   This was the real deal if you think about it.  Sure we are all local bloggers but there are some crazy mother fuckers out there that would do anything to savage my good lucks.  But much like a scared female that gets onto an empty elevator with a man that terrifies her, I was not going to let this guy know I was nervous!  Joe got me a 6pack of beer and apologized for getting a little too upset.  Wow, not what I expected at all.  I had no idea what to expect but when I saw the beer I was like Homer Simpson at Moe’s. 

I told him it was ok, that I offend people regularly and not to take it personal (unless you are Hube then by all means please do asshole) and that he didn’t have to do that.  I didn’t offer once to not take the beer though.  I have learned that people give celebrities gifts and want them to take them.  So I did, and promplty finished 2 that evening watching lost.

So I’m leaving out some parts but only because I’m trying to lump the femal side of the evening together.  One thing that first happened to me when I arrived was woman holding a glass of white wine approached me in an semi assertive manner.  Again I get this alot, but the force with which she came onto sent my radar standing at full attention.   She is no testicle cradler, but with a little practice I’m sure she will improve to such a coveted postion in my mind. 

Pandora!  Nice to meet you!  shazam!  spicey tuna roll, I’ll have that baby!

Then there was Cassandra and if you have read the other posts that were complimentary of her you will notice that they left out the flavor of this tall drink.  Chocolate baby!  aAll you chicken shits like to leave out the obvious for fear of looking like a racists   I for one was surprised.  Maybe it’s because I’m white and I assume all our readers are white, or maybe it’s because hell I’m racists and don’t even know it.  I never know what to expect but damn, that caught me off gaurd almost as much as the way Pandora approached me.  I didn’t spend enough time chatting it up with that part of the room.  Maybe Pandora scared me off is the real reason.  I don’t think I’m too off base though, Cassandra was the only black female I believe in Timothy’s last night and actually perhaps the only black person.  Regardless I wish I had spent more time chatting it up with these too.  Next time for sure or maybe at one of my wine tastings. 

So, a chirping in my ear was telling me it was time to go, so I made my move over to the other part of the room where Jason was.  I wanted to say goodbye to him as well as let the hotties he was rapping with shake my hand and get up close and personal with me. 

This is where the fun starts people and to be honest I’m not sure how to talk about this part of the evening.  I can’t wrap my head around the order of events or even how the fuck what happened happened or even why.  I think it was because of my good looks actually, but I digress….

 The only way I can accurately describe the next 20 minutes is to reference the only Ted Nugent song I ever know and quite honestly think is horrible.  These two females, whom shall remain nameless, basically chewed me up and spit me out and not in a good way!

Donviti was put on the defensive from the get go and he still is not sure why.   Jason introduced me as Donviti as if the other 2 ladies did not know who I was.  PLLUUUHEEASE, I’m like Norm walking into Cheers every where I go.  It’s cool though, you have to do the normal introductions so you can shake a persons hand and tell them your real name.  That is where the problem started though, my real name is probably one you have never heard unless you are familiar with Italian Opera, VERY familiar with one play in particular, other than that I can honestly say you will never meet another person in this country is my guess with my first name. 

Well one my adoring fans apparently didn’t believe me that my name was what it was.  So proof of id had to be done.  Personally I think she had an alterior motive but who am I too judge this individual and the lawyer she hired for the evening apparently.  They double teamed me all night and it wore me out.

I was criticized for my handshake by these two diabolical beauties.  Now having been in the military I consider myself pretty knowledgeable how to shake hands, maybe not like our esteemed grunt Giovanni GRRRRRR, but I think I have a pretty good grip WHEN REQUIRED.  Apparently as Delaware’s hottest blogger I’m supposed to be assertive and firm all the time.  Let’s say, I’m supposed to walk around at half mast I guess.  Who the fuck knew that Drinking Liberally would turn into Criticize Literally.  So for about a half hour after that I continued on trying to understand the finer points of my handshakes.  ( I admit it was me that didnt’ let the whole handshake thing go)

I learned that I don’t measure up in the handshake department. Who knew, actually more like, Who FUCKING cared.  Well, ME did god damnit!  I have a reputation to uphold man and now one, check that 2, of my hotter fans were riding  me hard and I wasn’t enjoying it half as much as I thought I should have.  I even got a lesbian into the action AT Boolie’s request.  After the lesbian and I shook hands and were done, boolie and her lawyer both agreed that she wasn’t going to care about my handshake since she was gay!  I mean come on man.  So all night this went on.  How do they know what a lesbian will and won’t enjoy.  Maybe this lesbian would appreciate my handshake!? Hmph!

A freaking handshake man.  Here I thought a woman would enjoy a  nice soft hand.  A slight cradle, showing that I’m sensitive, soft, subtle and not overpowering.  That I can match or even be  submissive to women.  But NOOOOOOO, these women wanted someone to bitch slap them!  Show them whose boss.  Honeslty if more people weren’t watching I would have shown them what my hands can do and that judging me by a hand shake was their loss.  I am plenty capable in the hands department and on the list of things I can do with my hands, pleasing a woman with my handshake is way down on the list, if on the god damned thing at all. 

Go figure you know you try, try (picture tears streaming down my face) try to be a good celebrity.  You try not to intimidate people with your outrageous good lucks and winning personality.  The minute you think you have it mastered you get kicked in the balls by a couple of broads that have an agenda to tear me down only to make themselves feel better.  To make me think for a couple of minutes that I’m just a regular looking person like themselves and that I’m not all that I say I am. 

I for one am not going to be victim of 2 females abusing me to make themselves feel better.  I’m not some inanimate object that doesnt’ have feelings.  I don’t have batteries in me.  I can’t be used at will to make you feel better for a few minutes whenever you want.   I have a heart, I have feelings and no matter how good looking I am, being criticized hurts.  I try to be perfect and when I can’t be it tears me up inside.  Maybe you people that aren’t as attractive as me won’t ever know this cross I carry, but it’s ok.  I’m a strong man and I learn from my mistakes.

But just in case I had thought my hand shake was bad I asked someone today at work,  Xstryker to be exact, I asked him about a handshake and he said, “It’s just a handshake, who gives a fuck”

My words exactly.  These hands (picture me looking at my hands like George Costanza did in that episode of Seinfeld where he was a hand model)  These hands are a gift and have brought countless HOURS of pleasure to many people.  So to you that found my hand shake sub par, in the immortal words of Xstryker “who gives a fuck”

Hot or not, you 2 beasts of burden shall never feel my hands again I swear to you! 

Thanks for the beer Joe and LG.  The night was great.  I’m glad you all got to meet me.