The Virgin Ideal
There’s been a lot of talk about virgins lately and the stigma attached to sexually active women. As usual, Amanda Marcotte, at Pandagon, has written a piece for TPM that’s definitely worth a read. It’s based on a book entitled The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virgintiy is Hurting Young Women. I’ve included Amazon’s synopsis of the book below.
The United States is obsessed with virginity — from the media to schools to government agencies. In The Purity Myth Jessica Valenti argues that the country’s intense focus on chastity is damaging to young women. Through in-depth cultural and social analysis, Valenti reveals that powerful messaging on both extremes — ranging from abstinence curriculum to “Girls Gone Wild” infomercials — place a young woman’s worth entirely on her sexuality. Morals are therefore linked purely to sexual behavior, rather than values like honesty, kindness, and altruism. Valenti sheds light on the value — and hypocrisy — around the notion that girls remain virgin until they’re married by putting into context the historical question of purity, modern abstinence-only education, pornography, and public punishments for those who dare to have sex. The Purity Myth presents a revolutionary argument that girls and women are overly valued for their sexuality, as well as solutions for a future without a damaging emphasis on virginity.
Everyone with me now? Okay, let’s talk virginity. There has always been a somewhat mystical quality to virgins, while at the same time there exists a stigma, a certain sell by date that transforms virtue into disorder. Honestly, I don’t know how I survived my teenage years. The messages were so conflicted. Some girls wore their sex lives and/or virginity as a badge of honor, while the rest of us, on both sides, lied about our true status to save face with whatever group we found ourselves slumber partying with. On the flip side, boys tended to either be sexually active or lie about being sexually active – because, let’s face it, virginity wasn’t/isn’t anything to brag about when it came/comes to the teenage boy and the pressure they face to score is daunting. But, that’s a post for another day!
Right now, I want to discuss women. I traveled back to high school because I believe this is where the slut vs good girl truly begins. But it sure as hell doesn’t end there. And that’s the problem. Being a sexually active woman means a lot more than having sex. It has permeated into all aspects of who a woman is. Traits such as trustworthiness, being a good mother, self respect, and honesty are linked to the number of lovers a woman has had. And while “the number” between being a slut and a good girl varies from person to person there’s no doubt that “the number” exists. Why it exists, and what it signifies, is the point of this post. To me, the labels attached to sexually active women and virgins are simply a way to exert control. (And, yes, women are just as guilty as men of attaching these labels – sad, but true.) Bad girls have sex, and if they get punished pregnant, then they have an abortion, while good girls who become bad girls because they had sex can reclaim their good girl status by having the baby. Sorta. Because, let’s be honest, that’s not always the case and the number of those casting judgment is daunting. The judgers are also inconsistent – Jamie Lynn Spears vs Bristol Palin, anyone? Seriously, what’s a woman to do?
Enter the virgin ideal – and I use the word ideal because that’s exactly what it is, and if you don’t believe me than ask yourself how many wedding night virgins you know. Hmmm… thought so.
But my real question is this: Why is virginity more than not having sex?
Tags: Sex
I don’t know why, but our culture is organized around obsessing about and attempting to control a woman’s sexuality. You can see this in the whole abortion debate – why should there be a separate argument for rape and incest? It’s because they weren’t the “bad” girls, although, with rape, there’s still a whole lot of victim-blaming (what was she wearing, was she drinking, why was she out so late).
Men judge women, and women judge men by rather shallow criteria; or rather criteria that seem shallow but are really rooted in vestigial evolutionary selection preferences.
What I want to know is why do young girls go for “bad boys.” That certainly explains why society produces so many antisocial people with dysfunctional parents.
Ah… bad boys. Gotta love them, and there is a comparison. Women love bad boys because they want to save them, and men love virgins because they’ve saved themselves for them. I am grossly exaggerating here! 😉 Neither are healthy or productive approaches to relationships.
Well said. Different societies, religions, and organizations have different methods and standards, but the common thread is exerting sexual control over individuals. It gets in the way of providing teens and adults with the knowledge they need to make informed decisions about their partners and practices.
It is this very polarization (good girl/bad girl) that creates the problems seen on both sides of the equation and inhibits the ability of individuals and families to address them.
I have to admit that I am happy to be the fathers of boys so that this is an academic question for me on one level.
For example, I can theorize that girls are attracted to bay boys because that relationship offers them public de facto relief from contending with the virginity issue. That is just arm chair psychology on my part though.
I think girls like bad boys as a vestigial evolutionary response… bad boys are selfish and will grab more resources for themselves (and thus the offspring will benefit).
This is probably true in the Stone Age but in civilization, the rewards go to those who resist their selfishness, delay gratification and invest in their future. But our reptile brain doesn’t know this or doesn’t care.
And in evolutionary caveman terms – virgins are more likely to be healthy and disease-free, and less likely to have children for you to support who don’t even carry your DNA.
When I attended Christiana High, my dilemma was quite the opposite.
I felt such pressure to understand all the excitement, that I “got it over with” a greasy dirtball in seat of a chevette . Had I been told there was no shame in chastity, I likely could have saved myself the money for the 6 pack of tacos he inhaled post copulus.
And… if as it seems we are establishing here, young girls like bad boys… that explains why there are so many bad boys who sleep around.
The more the boys sleep around, the badder they are, and the more they sleep around.
It is a demand-side phenomenon. Women could fix this if they wanted too.
(well, probably not).
Dang it, P. I saw “Virgin Ideal” and I thought it was a story on Christine O’Donnell and Mike Matthews! You tease.
To me, it’s really the same dilemma – societal pressure replacing informed decision-making.
As the mother of a boy and a girl I can see both sides of the dilemma. But the term bad boy really isn’t bad – not when compared to its bad girl counterpoint. And that’s really the point of this post.
And, anon, by saying women can fix this I have to ask what you think men can fix?
And, anon, by saying women can fix this I have to ask what you think men can fix?
To settle this, either one of us would have to rely on a “Just Say No” argument. There won’t be any winners here.
Welcome, Julia. Your point is valid, and I hope I was clear enough in my post to reveal that virginity cuts both ways.
Sorry about the tacos. That sucks.
True, anon, but I’m not questioning winners… only losers. And in the sexually active name game, women are the losers.
I give you: whore, slut, skank, compared to… what? Gigolo? Player? Stud?
Amanda Marcotte has written a lot about the “nice guy” ideal. It’s just another part of obsessing about women’s sexuality. The so-called nice guys are ones who act a bit passive-aggressive but expect that if a woman in not a virgin anymore, that means she’ll sleep with anyone, so why isn’t she sleeping with the nice guy?
As far as the “girls like bad boys” I think that is really overstated. Surveys have shown that most people have their first sexual experience with someone equally inexperienced. There may be some of that bragging/inflating the number of sexual partners going on here.
I agree, pandora, the virginity ideal cuts both ways. I can also see why people would rebel against being put on the pedestal as ideal. There’s only one way to go and that’s down.
I think teenage hormones are more than sufficient motiviation with or without social pressure.
Anon, you know I love you, but I’m really not arguing biology.
And Smitty makes an interesting point with his snark. At what age does virginity turn into a “disorder”? I’d say Christine O’Donnell’s self-glorified celibacy raises more than one eyebrow.
Good point, pandora. After a certain age (what age that is IDK) virginity becomes something strange. The funny thing is, I don’t think it’s all that strange, but it’s just strange to go around bragging about it.
I agree, “purity” is a powerful ideal in the subconscience… but seriously – do you know anyone under 30 who has actually acquired a “reputation” and has been seriously affected by it? I mean, apart from actual prostitutes.
This concept seems kind of dated. I’m married w/children so I wouldn’t really know… but my impression was that there is kind of a casual hookup thing going on that mostly eliminates the old “slut” label, and doesn’t prevent you from having a normal monogamous relationship at any time or even in between.
The terms do tend to change as we get older, anon. Slut tends to get buried under the euphemism wild. As in… she was a wild teenager, etc.
The cloistered Vestal Virgins of Roman antiquity were given the responsibility of registering and holding the wills of the aristocracy.
So even back then, men prized chastity along with their wealth and sons’ birthright.
In other words, not much has changed; men still try to set the standard of what is socially acceptable…even if wrongheaded.
“Enter the virgin ideal – and I use the word ideal because that’s exactly what it is, and if you don’t believe me than ask yourself how many wedding night virgins you know. Hmmm… thought so.”
Actually, a lot, but I suppose that is because we swim in different circles. Not trying to make any judgments there, just saying.
“I give you: whore, slut, skank, compared to… what? Gigolo? Player? Stud?”
We say man-whore now.
Tom swims in the liar circles.
And, man-whore? Come on!
Naw, these folks would have nothing to gain by lying to me.
I know man-whore doesn’t fill the gap but its a step in the right direction. Know any others?
We say man-whore now.
Well Tom, now you can marry him and make an honest man out of him.
As far as the “girls like bad boys” I think that is really overstated.
I’m not saying you and Ms. Marcotte are wrong, but speaking as a guy who heard, “My mother would love you.” throughout HS and college more times than I care to remember – I think that there is at least something to the bad boy myth.
Back the the original point of the post – more transparency and honesty about human sexuality for children is better than less.
anon,
Only in Iowa, Vermont and Massachusetts.
LOL! They have nothing to gain by lying to me.
That’s the whole point of this thread, isn’t it?
Exactly, UI. People lie about sex all the time. It’s human nature.
And Jason, there is a mystique surrounding bad boys, but bad boy doesn’t necessarily equate with promiscuity. A lot of times it signifies a loner who’s comfortable in his own skin.
That said the bad boy and virgin myth have a lot in common.
I am honored to be schooled on this topic by Delaware’s Hottest Blogger.
Pandora: “There has always been a somewhat mystical quality to virgins, while at the same time there exists a stigma, a certain sell by date that transforms virtue into disorder.”
I think true, Pandora, but very sad indeed.
And, it is just one symptom of a bigger societal problem that has to do with family values gone astray.
As a society, why do we allow this kind of pressure to overwhelm our young women?
I started to respond by analyzing the differences between our teen time (’50’s), our two daughters’ (’80’s) and now, then erased it all as being too much supposition, over-simplification, thus inconsequential to your topic.
The only point I would make is the need now for parental attention and push-back. Perhaps we lucked out with our daughters – I give my wife a lot of credit, and am thankful that she could be a stay at home mom focused on raising our daughters. Also, we focused on family activities and trips, and on education. It worked!
Although times have definitely changed socially and economically, I would think that a similar approach should work today, provided family finances could be worked out to permit a stay at home parent. In my view, that’s critical!
I am still bitter about attending no less than 7 proms (all different girls) and never having that “off like a prom dress” experience. My theory is that that is exactly why I was asked to be the date for 7 proms (I was the invitee for 6 or them).
What I learned… Shoulda bought the damn tux.
Well Geek, If you were the invitee for 6 of them, and #7 proved the same outcome–I’m gonna take a real leap here and say you really must have been one of the nice ones.
Sad, but true I fear.
Rent-a-nice-guy.
Dave’s date was not wearing this dress.
boing boing
As someone who’d made thinking about virginity a long-term project, both as a blog and series of short films, I can tell you that anxiety around sexual behavior is alive as well.
Every constituency feels they know the right time, reason, setting, partner to lose one’s virginity: Church, government, school, family, peers, pop culture and even porn.
What’s usually missing in the equation is real information about sexuality – and the support to make one’s own decisions based on that information.
theamericanvirgin.blogspot.com