Donviti’s First 100 Days
I use to work with Donviti, hell, I was even his boss at one point — as if anyone could control such a young beautiful colt like him. You try to keep him penned in a grey cube? I did my best, but he did not take well to us putting the halter over his face and the bit in his mouth. In time we were able to saddle him up and ride him in the pen, but outside in the fields, this bastard was uncontrollable — his need to run free, his desire not to have anyone ride his back, his drive to mount fillies from other departments. Donviti was and is the only true maverick. Suck on that John McCain.
So here is my best attempt to let Donviti know what he should and shouldn’t do in the first 100 days of his new job. Why did I choose 100 days as a guide? What sort of scientific method did I use? What management book did I yank this from as a measurement for Donviti’s guide? None, but I did pull it out of my ass like the press does with the first 100 days of a presidential administration. So what’s good enough for the liberal media is good enough for this liberal blogger.
If you have any other rules that Donviti should adhere to post them here. If you disagree with any of my rules, go pound sand.
1. First Impression
These are the days my friend, the days that will be seared in your manager’s mind as well as your peers and other managers. Your first impression from the interview is now gone and this is the Donviti they are going to remember, not the laughable and subservient Donviti from the interview. Sidenote on this first rule, remember that any manager can be your boss one day. Don’t piss them off!
2. Internet
No.
3. Downtime
At most new jobs there is gong to be some down time — time when your boss is too busy to let you know what you should be doing, time when you are too new to know what to do. Bring a book, not a book that pertains to your new job and skills that you should already have, but a book that expands your horizon. Any book by Malcolm Gladwell is a good choice. What books shouldn’t you read? Any of the Dummies books, political books, books about religion . . . just stick with Gladwell’s books, okay? But what if you get bored reading, can you go to the internet? See Rule 2: Internet for more details.
4. Email
Your work email is for work, not to send out messages to friends and family. Use your work email for work and your gmail account for friends. Does this mean you can go to the internet to view your personal email account? See Rule 2: Internet for more details.
5. Cell Phone Use
Turn the damn thing off! That might be a bit much, but silence the ringer and any noises that might go off, and turn off the vibrator — that’s between you and Mrs. Hotviti. But what if there is an emergency? A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, there was a time when people didn’t have cell phones and dealt with emergencies quite well. Get on the ball and pretend it is 1995. If you have to use your cell phone, step away from your desk for a few minutes and have a quiet conversation where no one can hear you. I cannot emphasize this enough — where no one can hear you. Can you use your cell phone to get to the internet? See Rule 2: Internet for more details.
6. Work Phone Use
Use it for work. Do not give this number to your ex! See Rule 4: Email for more details.
7. Hours
Get in before your boss and leave before after your boss. If only be 10 minutes that’s fine. We’re working on impression here, not actual work. If you’re bored, see Rule 3: Downtime for more details.
8. Family
Get your family on board with these rules and, for god’s sake, they better step up. Remind them what a pain in the ass you were out of a job.
9. Gas
Do not pass gas in your cube. If you must, go to the bathroom or do a strafing down a neighboring aisle.
10. I Don’t Know
When asked a question and you don’t know, tell them so, but add that you’ll get back to them.
11. Don’t Say No
Don’t say no to anyone, say “Yes” or “I Don’t Know”. See Rule 10: I Don’t Know for more details.
12. Authority
Respect your boss as your boss even if they are an ass.
That’s really cool, nemski. You should publish an e-book.
Pretty good wisdom for everyone at a new job. (Would probably work for people in old jobs as well.)
You do know that sometimes people have to use the internet in their jobs. Be sure to look at your job’s internet policy, but yes it’s not a good idea to surf the web at work.
What happened to “Sleep your way to the top”?
Seems like something written in Fortune magazine circa 1981. Rule #13 – Even if they treat you like shit, bend over and take it because they’re the MAN and you’re shit. Like they are doing you a great favor by letting you work there.
Rule #12 is especially sickening. Remember, kids, sycophants may keep their jobs and paltry salaries and terrible benefits while others are sacked, fired and otherwise mistreated… but they always have trouble sleeping at night. How about respect yourself and if someone is an incompetent asshole and treats you like garbage, show them the respect they’ve earned… none.
Lighten up Francis.
I am just telling you the rules are shit. I am perfectly calm. If you want to advise people to be sissy doormats based on fear or money or whatever, that’s their problem.
Maybe you should toughen up, Francis.
Re point #7: Get in before your boss and leave before your boss.
How about Get in before your boss and leave
beforeafter your boss.Way to go, you already got him fired before he could on day 101.
LOL Rsmitty — I’ll fix that transgression.
DG, in many ways I would agree with you that the — and I am guessing here — only rule is to do a good job. However one of the things I have learned over the years is that perception is reality and pride don’t pay the mortgage. It’s a difficult balancing act to say the least.
I’d honestly like to hear Dorian G’s rules for the first 100 days.
I think the point of Nemski’s is not to be a doormat – but to bank up as much goodwill as possible and realize that your work life will be better if you avoid stupid shit that pisses people off.
I did my best, but he did not take well to us putting the halter over his face and the bit in his mouth.
Note the emphasis there. I can tell you exactly where you went wrong. What you needed was not a bit, but something in this box-set (note: look for Marsellus Wallace)
FTR, I have failed at #2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and sometimes 9. Then again, I am sure you are all shocked…SHOCKED, I SAY…at that.
Hey nemski…aren’t you failing #2 right about now?
Yes, but these are Rules for the First 100 Days . . . 101+ is very different. 😉
Ah…good point! VINDICATED! Woo hoo!
OK – Here are my rules. Go to work on time with no regard to when your boss or anyone else gets there. It doesn’t matter in the end.
Do your job with enthusiasm because this shows respect for yourself.
Don’t act like an asshole (i.e., do steal anything, do violence, etc.).
Go home and forget about it.
Nemski’s list sounds like something my fucking grandfather would say. Respect your boss even is s/he is a jerk, get there early and leave late, don’t make any personal calls… like this is going to mean anything. It’s almost like you haven’t worked in corporate America in the last 15 years. None of your rules matter.
I think Jason sums it up. Don’t do anything stupid (like mine “don’t act like an asshole). Just stop acting like this is an episode of MAD MEN were you can kiss ass and get ahead and retire in 25 years.
I have had the pleasure of observing both DG and DV in their work habitat…
DG practices what he preaches and I have to agree with many of his comments. That said, DV needs to listen to Nemski. I think I got more emails and saw more blog posts from him when he was at work than since he has been home!
And Gladwell books are mental masturbation. ‘Blink’ may well be the only non-fiction book I had to put down in less than 20 pages… pick up a SAS or SQL book – sharpen your skills (or at least learn new technical terms to enhance your BS skills).