Day 10 C&S
Back on day 8 I wrote a pretty good summary of the recurring thoughts I have with beer these days. The quite literally waking moments I have. I had them again today, this morning actually. I actually dreamt that I broke my promise and was drinking a beer. It was a very real dream. It was one of those reality type dreams where the line between being conscious and asleep are blurred with the muscles in your body. We all have had those dreams so you know exactly what I’m referring to.
The dream was real and I was very disappointed in myself once I realized I was about 3 beers in. I was disappointed not when I woke up but, in my dream I could feel the very real emotion of shame and disgust and disappointment. But, those beers I was downing prior to those feelings were very very real and very good. I can’t remember exactly what I was doing while I was drinking but they were Dogfish 60 minute IPA. That’s how real they were. The mind is a very powerful thing that is for sure.
I like to retrace my dreams and find out why I thought of them. Typically for me it is something that occurs briefly during the day either visually or through a sporadic comment made by myself or by someone. I rarely pay them much thought, but my subconscious obviously finds the thought worth delving into more when it can control me more.
Yesterday as I parked the car in the garage and walked out the door, I looked down at the pile of empties that still remain, roughly 3 more cases. I dropped off 7 cases on Saturday. I looked down at the space created by the bottles that were gone and I felt my pocket for the 7 or 8 bucks I got from the deposits. Right before I parked the car I was on the phone with a high school friend. He laughed when I said I hadn’t had a drink for 9 days. Really laughed. The thought for him to go that short a time was laughable and to most would be too I imagine. It stung a little, but Iwasn’t fishing for a compliment really. It would have been nice to hear from a friend. I guess now is when you find out who your friends are. (ok, maybe I was expecting a compliment, but when I didn’t get one, I wasn’t too surprised) Also the comments from my day 8 post have resonated within me and are eating at me too.
Somewhere during the night I think my brain collided these occurrences with other lingering thoughts in my brain. My mind created this very real event and even created the shame and disappointment of having a drink and breaking my promise to myself, my wife, my son and my daughters. The mind is so powerful. The subconscious mind is so powerful. the thoughts going on in the mind are an amazing thing. To be able to dream a dream so real and feel the emotions while asleep astound me. Just imagine what your mind is doing to you while you are awake.
I know and acknowledge that I have a problem and I’m dealing with it my way. the DV way is the way I do things. I was told by a foot doctor that I would never be a runner. 2 years later I ran 2 half marathons and numerous 5k’s. (I also broke a bone in each foot the past 2 years). I push my own envelope. I push things to the max. As many of my friends have witnessed I teeter the line and many times have gone over the edge. I do this not only with my drinking, but I guess just in life in general. So be it. It’s my battle with my mind and I’m going to win it my way.
I also wanted to address the comments that were made to me with my post from day 8. I can tell the people that truly want to be supportive and have dealt with this “type of behavior” in the past. The ones that don’t get upset and lend support and say “call me” or something along those lines. Thank you, I know you get it. I will do this and who knows maybe after 6 months wont want a drink again. I doubt it, but maybe I will be more responsible (heard that before huh?) I’m not going to act like these are all things people like me would and have said. I know they are. but I’m doing this my way. I’m sorry if that upsets some people. Actually, I’m not. I’m sorry that you can’t accept that I want to do it my way.
Sure, I know I frustrate people. but getting angry and directing it at me won’t help anyone. Me? I’m fine with it because I put myself out there and expect buffoons and ignorant behavior to come my way. Just some advice for those getting upset with me. The last thing people need is a lecture. The last thing a person going through withdraw or his own program needs to here is a lecture. The only person a lecture helps is the person doing it.
It’s hard to understand what people go through until you walk in their shoes. Which is why a lecture is so easy to do. You don’t have to put yourself in their shoes. You put them in your shoes and expect them to get it. Me, I have walked in a lot of peoples shoes and I guess that is partly what makes me a liberal. It is who I am. I understand people, even the haters, the bible thumpers and the racists. I get them, i understand their logic. I don’t agree with it, but I get them. I get all types of people. It’s a gift I guess or a curse.
Day 10 Clean and Sober and already I have been laughed at and lectured and most likely rooted against.
don’t worry though, I’m fine
Keep going. You are in the hardest part right now. Your body and mind are fighting back against you now. Both want beer or wine because both got used to it. And you are now depriving them of what it wants. Keep going. If you get through this part, you’re golden.
DV: Hang in there, buddy. I quit smoking 23 years ago. I was still having dreams in which I lit one up until about 5 years ago. There was a progression, though. When I first quit, those dreams would have me craving a smoke when I woke up. After 10 years, any dream in which I was smoking immediately triggered the thought — still asleep, mind you — “What am I doing? I don’t smoke anymore. Oh, no, I’ll get hooked again!” I still had smoking dreams every few months, but the intrusion of my consciousness into the dream world always woke me up. Eventually they stopped, and I haven’t had one for years now.
Some people can smoke socially. My wife could smoke a cigarette after a dinner party and not want another one until the next party weeks later. I couldn’t do that, as I learned when I tried. You are doing the right thing by taking this one day at a time.
DV – it’s hard what you are doing, but the reward to you, mentally and physically, and to those around you will by far outreach any difficulty you may face. In light of the long comment I left on yesterday’s open thread, all I can say is stick to it. It’s the best gift you can give to those you love.
BTW – so long as it’s not a weakness, I have no problem with enjoying one or two for me or for anyone. It’s feeding the monster that’s at issue.
Keep up the good work, DV. Hopefully it will get better.
You gotta do what you gotta do. No one needs to get pissed at you or feel self-righteous. I hope I didn’t come across that way a few days ago. I never intended to go this many years without drinking. It just worked out that way after I pulled by head out of my ass. The thing is, there are still times when the bottle looks pretty good to me….not to mention cigarettes. Like right now I’m going through some health issues and the idea has crossed my mind more than once that it may be time to end this sobriety ride. Then, it occurs to me that there’s nothing so bad that a drink won’t make worse.
I know about the dreams too. They can be so real. I dreamt it so vividly more than once that I actually felt as though I’d fallen off the wagon. The only thing I can tell you for certain is that whether you drink today or not, no one can take away the 10 days you have been clean and sober. They’re yours to keep. And, if you decide to not have a drink today, that’s great. There’s no right or wrong way to be sober. If your way is working for you, just do it. God, I sound like a Nike ad.
wasn’t directed at you don’t worry
DV.. hang in there and keep doing it. You can do it and you will.
Best wishes DV.. one thing though, if you do screw up one day don’t surrender, just get right back on the wagon and finish out your project. 100% abstinence would be nice but 99.5 would be pretty good too, and hell of a lot better than 20%.
)YAWN(
wow, omar’s got a heightened sense of self-importance to show up and drop that.
I like to see it as simply as possible. Everyday I make a DECISION that no matter what happens, I will not pick up that first drink. It’s a DECISION AND A CHOICE…but changing the behaviors…that’s a whole thing to discover after you’ve stopped drinking for a year…Good luck and hope you find that your way works…