Back on day 8 I wrote a pretty good summary of the recurring thoughts I have with beer these days. The quite literally waking moments I have. I had them again today, this morning actually. I actually dreamt that I broke my promise and was drinking a beer. It was a very real dream. It was one of those reality type dreams where the line between being conscious and asleep are blurred with the muscles in your body. We all have had those dreams so you know exactly what I’m referring to.
The dream was real and I was very disappointed in myself once I realized I was about 3 beers in. I was disappointed not when I woke up but, in my dream I could feel the very real emotion of shame and disgust and disappointment. But, those beers I was downing prior to those feelings were very very real and very good. I can’t remember exactly what I was doing while I was drinking but they were Dogfish 60 minute IPA. That’s how real they were. The mind is a very powerful thing that is for sure.
I like to retrace my dreams and find out why I thought of them. Typically for me it is something that occurs briefly during the day either visually or through a sporadic comment made by myself or by someone. I rarely pay them much thought, but my subconscious obviously finds the thought worth delving into more when it can control me more.
Yesterday as I parked the car in the garage and walked out the door, I looked down at the pile of empties that still remain, roughly 3 more cases. I dropped off 7 cases on Saturday. I looked down at the space created by the bottles that were gone and I felt my pocket for the 7 or 8 bucks I got from the deposits. Right before I parked the car I was on the phone with a high school friend. He laughed when I said I hadn’t had a drink for 9 days. Really laughed. The thought for him to go that short a time was laughable and to most would be too I imagine. It stung a little, but Iwasn’t fishing for a compliment really. It would have been nice to hear from a friend. I guess now is when you find out who your friends are. (ok, maybe I was expecting a compliment, but when I didn’t get one, I wasn’t too surprised) Also the comments from my day 8 post have resonated within me and are eating at me too.
Somewhere during the night I think my brain collided these occurrences with other lingering thoughts in my brain. My mind created this very real event and even created the shame and disappointment of having a drink and breaking my promise to myself, my wife, my son and my daughters. The mind is so powerful. The subconscious mind is so powerful. the thoughts going on in the mind are an amazing thing. To be able to dream a dream so real and feel the emotions while asleep astound me. Just imagine what your mind is doing to you while you are awake.
I know and acknowledge that I have a problem and I’m dealing with it my way. the DV way is the way I do things. I was told by a foot doctor that I would never be a runner. 2 years later I ran 2 half marathons and numerous 5k’s. (I also broke a bone in each foot the past 2 years). I push my own envelope. I push things to the max. As many of my friends have witnessed I teeter the line and many times have gone over the edge. I do this not only with my drinking, but I guess just in life in general. So be it. It’s my battle with my mind and I’m going to win it my way.
I also wanted to address the comments that were made to me with my post from day 8. I can tell the people that truly want to be supportive and have dealt with this “type of behavior” in the past. The ones that don’t get upset and lend support and say “call me” or something along those lines. Thank you, I know you get it. I will do this and who knows maybe after 6 months wont want a drink again. I doubt it, but maybe I will be more responsible (heard that before huh?) I’m not going to act like these are all things people like me would and have said. I know they are. but I’m doing this my way. I’m sorry if that upsets some people. Actually, I’m not. I’m sorry that you can’t accept that I want to do it my way.
Sure, I know I frustrate people. but getting angry and directing it at me won’t help anyone. Me? I’m fine with it because I put myself out there and expect buffoons and ignorant behavior to come my way. Just some advice for those getting upset with me. The last thing people need is a lecture. The last thing a person going through withdraw or his own program needs to here is a lecture. The only person a lecture helps is the person doing it.
It’s hard to understand what people go through until you walk in their shoes. Which is why a lecture is so easy to do. You don’t have to put yourself in their shoes. You put them in your shoes and expect them to get it. Me, I have walked in a lot of peoples shoes and I guess that is partly what makes me a liberal. It is who I am. I understand people, even the haters, the bible thumpers and the racists. I get them, i understand their logic. I don’t agree with it, but I get them. I get all types of people. It’s a gift I guess or a curse.
Day 10 Clean and Sober and already I have been laughed at and lectured and most likely rooted against.
don’t worry though, I’m fine