A Difficult And Sad Day
As a parent I spend a large part of each and every day protecting my children. It’s instinctive, and obviously predictable since my kids have taken to cutting off my warnings with “Don’t worry, Mom. We’ll be careful.” But I do worry. I’m wired to worry. My 15 year old son is going to Italy next spring, and I’m already worrying. Oh, he’ll go, suffer through my endless instructions and still have a marvelous time. Because, despite my nerves, I’ve always understood that my job as a parent is to raise my children to leave me.
Another part of my job is deciding when each of my children is ready for an experience. So far that has encompassed PG-13 movies, walking home from school with friends, a trip abroad, and going miniature golfing with the gang – read: no adults. There are thousands of these little things, each one a step toward adulthood, each one timed so that goal isn’t reached too quickly.
But every now and then something happens that you simply aren’t ready for as a parent. Something that thrusts your child into a world you haven’t prepared them for. My 12 year old daughter has entered that world, and I feel helpless and out of control. You see, my daughter was friends with Jimmy, the 12 year old who was killed, along with his parents, in that tragic car accident last weekend. Today she has asked me to take her to the funeral home so she can pay her respects to the family.
Everything about this situation is horrific. When I think of what happened I get sick to my stomach, and I, as an adult, know these things happen. It’s why parents worry. I understand why my daughter wants to go today, and I’m proud of her. What concerns me is how she’ll handle what she’s walking into. So much for baby steps towards adulthood. This week my baby lost a big piece of her childhood.
My husband and I have been watching her (and talking with her) over the last week. We’ve cried with her, laughed with her, and have come to know Jimmy through her deeply personal and heartbreakingly human stories. Yes, she should go today. She has something to say, a gift to give to those left behind. And yes, it will take its toll on her. It already has.
Tags: Personal
Oh, I’m so sorry for your daughter and all the people who knew the family that was killed. I read the NJ article last night about how the traffic island and stop sign had been removed. That intersection was a tragedy waiting to happen.
Very moving post, pandora. It is gems like this one and writers like you that make this blog great.
All you can do is be there for your daughter. And that is what you are doing.
I’m sorry for your daughter, Pandora and for the family that got killed. Tragedy that jumps out of the always distant news and into our real lives is a tough thing for even grownups to manage. But you’ve raised a generous and grounded young lady who will be fine, especially since her mom and dad are there for her.
Thanks everyone. You’ve made me cry. It’s things like this that make you hug your family closer. This tragedy has haunted us. I find my thoughts drifting to the 17 year old daughter who survived. My heart breaks for her. I look at my children and can imagine how they’d feel to be suddenly alone, to have lost those closest to them.
My daughter will survive this. It will change her forever, but she’ll survive – a little older, a little wiser.
Pandora, when I was ten my best friend died in a car accident, and, I will tell you this, it has stuck with me to this day.
I’m so sorry, Nemski.
I also lost my best friend at 16. She passed away suddenly and tragically. She was hit by a car, late at night walking home from a party where I last saw her. As Nemski said, it has stuck with me to this day. My mother said that I was never the same again. I can tell you that it did make me look at life differently. I stopped caring about my future. I remember thinking what’s the point? It can all be taken away in a split second with no warning. Thankfully as I got older I changed that way of thinking but the experience definitely shaped my life and still, in smaller ways, continues to do so.
All you can do is be there for your daughter. This is a life experience for her. Unfortunately, as we all know, it’s the first of many that will come her way.
It is what it is.
The other tid-bit of information I will let you in on, is that your daughter will be a more conscientious driver. Not worth the pain she is going through, but a little solace for her mom in the upcoming years.
BTW, the family left behind a daughter. My son goes to Springer and they had a fund-raiser for her on Thursday. My boy was amazed that people were donating more than what was required. Sometimes adolescents can be a bit dense.
Pandora, my two children attend both Springer and Concord High and have too been deeply affected by this tragedy. My younger daughter did not know Jimmy well but shared two classes with him and happened to sit next to him at lunch the day before he died. As you probably know, Monday was an extremely tough day at Springer for the kids. They had a crisis team on hand and the school handled the situation amazingly. I was told that many kids did not want to get out of their cars in the morning and the principal was monitoring each class to look for children who were having a tough time. In homeroom, he found my daughter and a friend who had known Jimmy for years crying and sent them to the crisis team. There were up to 30 kids down there at a time all day long. Many kids were expressing that if Jimmy could die, well then so could I. My daughter ended up making three trips to the crisis team that day. At Concord, the kids hearts are broken for Megan. My 14 year old who attends Concord High told me, in all seriousness, that if she were in Megan’s place, she would want to die. She had allowed herself to feel some of the pain that Megan must be going through and it was tough to hear. This tragedy has touched so many and now appears could have been prevented.
By the way, contributions can be made to the Megan Pierce College Fund at TD Bank, 2502 Marsh Road, Wilmington DE 19810.
Thanks for the info Kristin.
My boy said over a hundred kids went to counseling on Monday at Springer. I think Mr. Gliniak and the staff at Springer did an excellent job.
For more information on what Springer did, go here, http://www.brandywineschools.org/springer/cwp/view.asp?A=3&Q=286912
I can’t even imagine what it must be like. My daughters friends father passed away 2 years ago and that was pretty awful. But it wasn’t too sudden.
it’s the here one day gone the next that is the hardest to cope with.
good luck, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing.
talking
more talking
and listening…way more listening.
Pandora, you are the epitome of a parent. This is what parenting is all about, folks. We can only learn from Pandora’s example.
Thanks, MJ, but I’m flying blind here. I’m taking my lead from my daughter. Luckily, she wants to talk.
I’ve only been lucky enough to be a parent for a little more than 3 years now, but there is one big thing I’ve learned — Parenting isn’t something you do to your child, it’s something you do with them. Don’t be afraid to let her walk through this. Don’t think you have to carry her. Just make sure she knows you’re there to carry her for a while if she needs it.
You and i have had a lot of conflict, but I want you to know that my heart just aches for you and your daughter — and for all the classmates and friends impacted by this horrific event. This is one of those events that proves that, in the end, most of the politics we argue over is just shit.
You and yours will be in my prayers.
Thanks to all of you for the kind words. We just returned from paying our respects to Jimmy’s sister. I’m heartbroken.
Mr. Pandora took our daughter and a friend out for an early dessert. We’re in distraction mode today.
Pandora, sometimes parenting is all about taking the lead from the kids.
This was a terrible tragedy which impacts not only the surviving family member, the daughter, but also many in our community, as can be seen from the heart rending comments in this thread.
Pandora, although not a consolation at this moment of stress for your daughter, yourself, and family, from reading your comments over time, I have no doubt that with your continuing guidance your daughter will mature in her understanding and be able to put this tragedy into context, which is really what grieving is all about.
But it takes time, and guidance, the latter which you and your husband are providing. So my advice, for what it may be worth to you, is to let the grieving process, and the associated pain, proceed.
In my view, there are no viable shortcuts, only patience and loving understanding along the way.
Your daughter will be just fine, and so will you!