Beyond Parody

So Soccer, or European or Global Football (as opposed to American football), is now apparently an super duper evil horrible destructive LIBERAL socialist plot to take over America, except of course we liberals have already taken over America, what with our devious democratic elections and what not, so of course now Soccer is an super duper evil horrible destructive LIBERAL socialist plot to destroy America.

No, this is not from the Onion.

It is from the mind of Matthew Philbin of the conservative proproganda machine Newbusters.org.

For you see, Soccer is a game beloved by Communists and brown people. By the French. By the same people who brought us British Petroleum. And every four years America’s media, you know, the LIBERAL media, tries to gin up interest among its viewership and readership in the planet Earth’s largest sporting event (yes, even larger than the Olympics). And America gets interested sometimes, like in 1994 when we hosted the World Cup and our team, for the first time since 1930, made it out of Group play, and in 2002 when our national team made it to the semifinals. America gets interested in soccer when our national interests are on the line, and the media tries to generate interest in it because that is what the media does. They want ratings. They want you to watch. So they hype up something they are showing. Duh.

But, like all conservofascists, he is not content with such a simple explanation, and decides to go far beyond parody.

The liberal media have always been uncomfortable with “American exceptionalism” – the belief that the United States is unique among nations, a leader and a force for good. And they are no happier with America’s rejection of soccer than with its rejection of socialism. […]

Part of the liberal sales pitch for soccer is its popularity with Hispanics. Liberals who fetishize race are eager to adopt a sport with a special appeal for a certain minority, and it would never occur to them that new arrivals to the country might be well served adapting to traditional U.S. pastimes. To the left, it’s America that must change. […]

No game in which actually scoring goals is of such little importance could possibly occupy the attention of average Americans. Our country has yet to succumb to the nihilism, existentialism, and anomie that have overtaken Europe. […]

More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair. Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score. […]

Soccer requires comparatively little from children but the ability to run after the ball – the risk of failure for anyone except maybe the goal keeper is zero. Even the strong chance that any given game will end in a tie makes it attractive for parents reluctant to impart life’s difficult lessons to young kids.

Whoa boy, where to start. First off, ESPN, Sports Illustrated, WIP, hell, even Fox Sports, are all part of the liberal media. Who knew?

Second, about that “American exceptionalism.” Americans in general don’t like soccer. So what? Who cares? Why impart some political reason to that fact? Perhaps we don’t like it our sports plate is full with four major sports leagues. Perhaps we like fast paced sports better (then explain baseball). Perhaps we like high scoring sports better (then explain baseball and hockey). And perhaps the reason the sports media hypes up the World Cup every four years is because, well, the entire planet, save our country, goes nuts over it. While it may be unique that some 300 million people out of 7 billion don’t like soccer, it is not exceptional. It doesn’t make the 300 million superior to the 7 billion or vice versa. It just means that Americans like other sports. And other countries besides America love other sports as well. Japan loves baseball. Canada loves hockey. Italy and Greece love basketball. India and Pakistan love cricket. Australia and New Zealand love rugby. We are all different.

I myself personally don’t like soccer. I was channel surfing last night and came across the Philadelphia Union playing the Kansas City Wizards and nearly fell into a catatonic state before switching the channel. Yes, I find soccer boring. But every four years I am interested in watching the World Cup, just like I am interested in watching the Summer and Winter Olympics every four years. Does this numbnut from Newsbusters think curling is an evil Canadian socialist plot? How about rowing? Probably, because both are unfamiliar to him and, to a conservative, unfamiliarity must be different and evil.

Third, the rest of this numbnut’s blathering is just wrong. He thinks we Americans don’t like sports were you score less. Well, Americans just went crazy over two (actually three) perfect games in Baseball, where we were celebrating the fact that a pitcher prevented the other team from scoring or even getting on base the entire time. And we like hockey and baseball, where it is just as common to have a low scoring 2 to 1 or 1 to 0 games than it is to have high scoring 10 to 7 games. Indeed, even in football, we go crazy over a stellar defense like the 2000 Baltimore Ravens who hold opposing offenses to field goals. This Matthew Philbin idiot, I guess, believes that unless it is a 26 to 25 slugfest in baseball, and 10-9 ice melter in hockey, or 65 to 57 shootout in football, we Americans are not pleased. Yo Regis, stop speaking for me.