Dr. Liberal is a very busy man, but he was kind enough to answer this seasonal question from a confused reader of Delaware Liberal.
Dear Dr. Liberal:
I am 35 years old and a neophyte to politics. Myself and a handful of others are upset that President Obama hasn’t given me the pony he promised. Please tell me the truth, will I ever get a pony?
Signed,
Virgin Politico
Dear Virgin Politico:
I guess it is the season of wanting to close ones eyes tight and believe in made-up shit. So I’m leery about telling you the truth for fear I might blind you. Maybe the harsh light of reality is too strong for you, or maybe what motivates your dreams is too incomprehensible for your little mind. All minds, Virgin Politico, are small and delicate. Some, like yours, are smaller and more frail than others.
But what the heck. No, Virgin Politico, you will never get a pony. Your pony does not exist. Alas, the world of politics is filled with promises of ponies. Promises made, promises implied and promises imagined. And if promises were meant to be broken, that goes double for imagined promises. So shake it off. Has you childlike faith in ponies has not brought you enjoyment? Well yes, but that is because the fun part of pony seeking is complaining and pouting, which, I’m sure, you do so well.
What heresy, right? Not to believe in ponies! You might as well not believe in fairies! Oh, you might get your parents to buy you a pony, but then youd only want a unicorn. The political life is sadly filled with comprise and mistakes. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course you have, but that doesn’t make fairies, ponies or unicorns real.
You may think that conservatives have gotten their own ponies, but that is wrong. While you think your Republican friends have ponies, they just have rather large dogs. Oh sure, they want you to think that they have gotten ponies, but look around. Do you see black people? Look at Barney Frank? Is he still alive? N’uff said. They pretend to have all the ponies because it pisses you off. You see Virgin, (now prepare to have your mind blown) Republicans understand ponies can be used to make dummies like you sad. They snuck into your little head and planted your dream of ponies as sure as Leonardo DiCaprio planted that thing in that movie about the dreams of some old Chinese dude. (I didn’t exactly see it, but I know from the trailers that it is relevant to my point.)
No ponies! Thank God! A thousand years from now, Virgin Political, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, there might be ponies, but by then no two of your current molecules will still be touching.
Have a Happy Kwanzaa,
Dr. Liberal