Donviti is dead, long live Donviti

Donviti, as you know him is dead.  Well, I’m dying.  I’m killing him at the conclusion of this totally incoherent post. I’m killing him like Republicans are killing our democracy and our citizens with their ignorant, racist, antiscience, antichristian worldview. 

I created this character nearly 13 years ago.  Jason somehow came across content of mine.  He asked me to write for DL.  Until he didn’t.  God did I have fun.  Writing posts about an idiot meatball eyetalian lawmaker that is no more and I think failed up in Rhode Island.  Man did I love the back and forth with another idiot that beat his wife, got drunk and used his get out of jail free card, then got in more trouble, switched parties, and then got in more trouble.  That’s who Republican’s in Delaware are and always will be.  I relished criticizing them.  I relished assaulting their sensitive egos with words. 

But, It all started with my rants during the Bush years.  Bush was going to smoke terrorists out of their holes.  He stood atop a pile of rubble and rallied us all to believe salvation for us as a nation was to murder and torture those that dared to attack us.  I wrote little diddies, I cursed a lot.  I posted on top of my fellow bloggers, and eventually pissed off enough people to be asked to leave DL.

Back to Bush.  I hated him.  I loathed him.  The Bush Doctrine?  What a load of bullshit.  Kill them, before they kill us.  Just war.  Bellus Causus.  Or some shit Latin phrase that was perverted and twisted into a way for America to start murdering innocent people that looked at us funny.  The other Bush, still a big fan.  I can’t get enough actually.  Actually, I can’t get any these days.  Balding, approaching 50, and stuck in a basement (literally) have taken its toll on me, my marriage, and my concubine.

I created Donviti b/c I worked at a bank.  Several of them over the course of my tenure.  Wells Fargo, WSFS, Chase, and before my time at DL I was at MBNA.  But there is no way in hell I was going to reveal myself b/c the way it goes now people do search you on Facebook, twitter, and other places to make sure you’re not some crazed nutbag spewing radical ideas.  Radical ideas like being against torture, illegal wars, corrupt systems that allow companies to create shell companies and avoid taxes.  Those things don’t go well in companies that create shell companies to help people avoid taxes.

Side note, I literally sat on the floor where WSFS had a desk, in a closet, with a phone.  That no one was in.  It was an office. For some very big corporation.  Congrats!  You’re incorporated in Delaware!  Look at the jobs it creates!

Also side note, this is where I think of Rob Vanella.  I admire his choice to not use an alias.  I know Rob.  He’s a fucking nut.  He’s also the first person I’d pick to have in my corner when I am about to get into a fight.  He’s the real deal.  I envy his podcast.  I don’t listen to it though.  It hurts my ego that he’s successful and Jason and I couldn’t get one going. 

Back to the golden days of Donviti….

Biden was senator then or maybe the VP.  It all bleeds together the past decade and a half.  I loathed him too.  Another shitbag democrat from Delaware that could care less about the blue-collar guy.  Biden’s philosophy then and I’m sure now is the same; make the rich richer and everyone else will get theirs too.   MBNA was one of the first, if not the first to basically make usury rates legal.  Hooray Delaware!  Thanks Biden!  Lucky for us we don’t only have APR’s on Credit Cards that are 25% but, payday lenders are a thing now!  What a guy.  I hope he runs for president one day….we need more creative financial instruments that can legally rape poor people of their money.

Side note.  Do you know who funds the money that keeps payday lenders afloat?  Billionaires and mega millionaires.  Do you know how they do it?  They have people in NY, or Ct that bundle their money to be disbursed to a lender.  They get paid a return of 12 to 20% on their investment depending on if you are a Junior or Senior in the bucket.  But to get into the scheme you have to have at least $5m or so in assets. Cool huh?  Guess what…companies in Delaware help those people get paid so they can fund the payday lenders.  Great huh!  Can you imagine a rate of return, guaranteed at 24% on 250k?  Sweet huh.  Delaware, what a state.  

So yeah, Donviti was born.  I like paying my bills.  I hated being in banks.  But now I can finally say I’m out.  Man, if you people only knew where I work now.  LOL.  Seriously, I’m a fraud and a half at this point.  I admit it.  It is what it is.       

So I’m rambling.  Gee, another post where Dv rambles. I remember proudly at one point I was outed, by who I don’t know, and no longer care.  If anyone still wants to try they could probably connect the dots easily.  I tried to keep my alter ego and work life separate.  There’s just no way a person like me could take the career path I have and call people like Dave Burris fat daddy’s boy fucks that wouldn’t know jesus if he ran over him with one his daddy’s semi’s.  You just can’t do that.  Not that I’m anyone that is someone.  I’m a regular joe that is already a pain in the ass in the office, one less thing to know about me, is one less reason to fire me. 

You can’t call drug mule racist whores out for not knowing what it means to be an American and rub elbows with SVP’s.  It’s not how it works.  No matter how disgusting a person running for senate is.  You can’t say she’s a total shithead that has at best a worldview that mirrors the worst ideals of white supremacy.  Eventually someone at a bank will find out about it and eventually lay you off.   

You don’t get invited to be an Honorary Commander at Dover AFB when you constantly assault trust fund babies like Charlie Copeland for being wankers.  Can you imagine being an heir to a mega billion corporation that hid secrets about their products that caused cancer and murdered hundreds if not thousands of people?  Can you imagine constantly harping on that person?  I can’t imagine seeing a monthly 5- or 6-digit check dropping in my account and having to know that the money I’m using to buy a black 3 digit license plate for my new Range Rover comes from a company my grandparents built that helped both sides of the civil war because profits. 

Can you imagine, being a republican shitbag that starts up some crappy think tank using daddy’s and grand daddy’s blood money?  But sure Chuck, tell me and the rest of us Neanderthals how we should go about growing our economy and making a living for ourselves. Yammering on about how free markets rule.  How regulations need to be eliminated.  Why don’t you narrate the movie Dark Waters for me or how about Foxchaser.  Sell your bullshit somewhere else.  Trust fund baby.

If you think taking shots at politicians in Dover means you can easily find employment in this state, think again. 

By the way, how are Dave Lawson and Colon Bonini still alive?  How do I have covid and not these terrible human beings that control what happens to the citizens of Delaware? How in the world do racist fucks like that hold office in Delaware?  What kind of asshole gets up and leaves during a prayer?  Whaaaaa it’s a Muslim prayer being said on the floor of our precious, hallowed Christian grounds. Ohnoes our world is being taken over by brown people.  FUCK YOU dickhead.   Do you have children?  Grandchildren?  I mean, for the rest of your lives that will stay with you.  God how satisfying it will be to have grandchildren shake their head in disgust that Poppop was a racist, intolerant, ignorant, backwoods shit head.  Open a god damn textbook and take a minute to read history.   Read up on religion you piece of shit.  Do you know the difference between Sunni and Shia?  Do you know where Persia is on a map?  What do you know about any religion besides the one you allegedly practice?

There’s no way if I wasn’t a coward hiding behind an alias that I could make fun of little Tony Delcollo.  You think I could get away with telling him he looks like a guy that auditioned for the kid’s role in stranger things and didn’t get the part?  How do you tell a guy that wearing a stupid fucking bow tie with a not matching stupid shirt, with the head the size of a watermelon and a bad haircut sans rayban px glasses do not mean you are hipster cool? 

How do you say to him that the look you are going for actually says,  is you are a douchebag, out of touch republican that has no chance of winning a higher office in Delaware.  Bro, paisan to paisan, stop it.  You’re a disgrace.  The kids aren’t going to look at you and think, “wow he’s sooooo cool.  I want to be a republican b/c of him”. They are going to think, “god what a creepy republican with abnormally fuzzy eyebrows.  He’s definitely a pedo”

I look back at what Donviti was able to do and quite honestly it didn’t amount to jack shit.  Hopefully people laughed.  But, I wanted to change the way people think.  I wanted to make a difference.  I wanted to put together a book of all my best short stories.  But, all I did was irritate people with opinions so confounding that ultimately my aspirations of being the next Howard Stern slash Cobert crashed and burned so catastrophically that really I lost more friends on the left than I made.

The one thing I had going for me besides my looks is that I am also a veteran.  I liberal veteran.  I think I can count on one hand the republicans in this state that served.  God knows Copeland and Burris didn’t.  Can you imagine either one of those guys suiting up for anything other than a black tie fundraiser at Ducks Unlimited?  I’m not sure how many of the crusty fucks in Dover suited up.  I imagine a few did.  But fuck you too.  I won’t thank you for your service.  Because clearly what honor you had while serving is lost now and you serve for yourself and no one else.

For a brief minute I even drove down to Milton, Delaware and did an online radio type show. I remember cracking open some beers with Maria Evans and being asked by someone after her show if I wanted to do a show of my own.  Too bad Milton was 2 hours away from my bubble in North Wilmington.  Man, I would have given anything to do a radio show, or a podcast, or some sort of thing like that.  But I was dumb, young, naïve, immature, you name it, I was “it”.  For the most part I still am.  So who wants to work with someone that doesn’t listen.  I get that now.  No one.

Fame? It just never happened.  I used to think it didn’t happen despite all my best efforts.  Looking back, I know why it didn’t happen.  I didn’t know how to listen as I just said.  I didn’t know how to tap the breaks.  I didn’t know when to pull back and not insult people.

I didn’t know when not to say things like doesn’t BHL look like fucking Kelly Anne Conway?  I mean christ who tells people to bleach their hair to the point it looks like straw attached to your head? How do you make fun of people like that and not at some point get told to calm down?    Those kinds of personal attacks can be hurtful.  I imagine the bleach in your eyes is too though.

I mean does anyone even talk about how her husband was stealing signs a few years ago?  Can anyone stop and imagine how that went down?  Can you imagine that turd dressed up in camo clothing that no longer fits, running his chubby little legs from sign to sign.  Plucking them up with his little sausage fingered hands.  Was someone else driving the getaway vehicle?  God that’d be a sight.  “get the car! Get the car!  I got one!”  I picture Chris Farley and David Spade in Tommy Boy.  Or Thelma and Louise. 

I’m good at it though.  Jesus the political ads I could make if I had a budget and team to work with. I could ravage an opponent. I know how to insult.  I can go for the jugular.  That’s where I’ll give Republicans credit.  They will tell you they are Christians but then not give two shits if Guadalupe and her 5-month-old son are running from their country to avoid being raped and murdered. Fuck em!  Split them up!    

The taste of blood is no longer intoxicating though.  I’m coughing it up by the minute.  Now, when I stymie a cough, I shit myself.  My family can’t come to visit me.  Which is fine b/c in my head that’s the reason no one is coming to see me off.

So, yes, Donviti has covid19.  He contracted recently at a rally.  No not a BLM rally.  But how then, you ask?  We all know you sit in your mom’s basement you fucking loser.  Fair, b/c these days I am in my basement. I have been for about 5 months now.

Actually, I think I got it trying to get a strip club to open back up.  You can’t go this long without a lap dance from a chick named Dakota that escaped her captors in Romania.  It’s not natural. So, I did what any person with a conscience would do.  I searched and searched and searched online for her.  I hunted her down.  I found out where she lives and stood outside her home with a sign that said, “MY LAP MATTERS”.  I marched and marched and marched until she would come out and give me what I was dying for.

She was touched.  Truly. I know she was moved by my dedication to her cause because she constantly was peeking out her window at me.  I showered her driveway with dollars.  Not too many though, I didn’t want to look desperate. I know the game.  You don’t get a dollar if I don’t see some skin babe.  So, I’d wave and flash the cash, and b/c she was so embarrassed she rarely made eye contact.  Eventually, her boyfriend even came out of the house to tell me my display of affection was beginning to concern her.  A weeks’ worth of marching and he had enough I guess. Clearly, he isn’t good enough for her. 

He didn’t have a mask on when he came out to communicate his and her appreciation for what I was trying to do.  I’m pretty sure that was when it transmitted to me.  It was hard to make out everything he was saying. Well, what he was yelling actually.  His face was quite red, and he had a deeply disturbing vein thing going on around his temples when he shouted.  God, the spittle in my eyes and in my ears is probably what did the trick now that I recall the conversation we had. 

Your gf is a stripper bro. This shit is bound to happen.  Please, call me Dakota.  I miss you.  I’m now closing my eyes and imagining giving her a dollar and the customary congratulatory ass slap.  Sigh.

Or maybe I got the rona when I was being restrained by Wilmington’s finest.  Is it ok to talk about shitbag pigs on this website?  Is anyone going to highlight the fact that the home state of Joe Biden has a pig problem in Wilmington?  The future POTUS? Are we going to talk about how destitute the city of Wilmington is and the mayor that is clearly in the pocket of real estate developers? No?  why bother, it’s too late now anyway.  It’s a fetacomplee.  As they say. I don’t have the energy to talk about cops. 

Maybe, though I could have gotten covid when I was in Gander Hill.  The “how” I got in there isn’t really that important.  What matters is I was doing something.  Right Casandra?  Hey sweetie, I was actually marching.  I was actually protesting this time.  Man, I’ll never forget Casandra telling me one time that voting wasn’t enough. Bitching in a post wasn’t enough.   What else do I do she asked? 

Well, damnint!  I finally did something.  And I got arrested for it.  So what if it was for breaking into Al’s Sporting Goods.  Looters gonna loot and fuck if I’m gonna actually pay for Kobe’s.  So maybe it wasn’t really marching, and I just saw an opportunity to stick it to the man. So what if it was a man that was established in the city for decades and did nothing to no one.  Fuck him and his LeBron’s wrapped in Ziploc bags so my smudgy fingers don’t ruin his display.  Much like a stripper, if I can’t touch the real thing, then fuck it, I’m not paying.

Oh and did you know she’s a descendant of George Thorogood. Not the stripper.  Cass.  She hasn’t told you yet?  Give it time. She’ll spring it on you. Smooches gf. I love you. 

What’s important though is that I’m dying.  And I’m taking Donviti with me.  It’s time for him to go.  My Q list career is being cut short by Covid.  I was this close to making it big when I was crowned Delaware’s Hottest Blogger in 2011.  I was a writer on one of the most read websites in Delaware.  I had always wanted to be a writer.  Acerbic was just my style.  And it still is. 

It’s real this time people.  It’s really different.  I’m going away. The world has changed.  Death panels are real.  Republicans are anti-science.  They are right here in Delaware too.  Fucking Drug Mules for Mexican Drug Cartels are running for Senate!  Can we stop and let that settle in? 

a DRUG MULE FOR THE MEXICAN CARTEL IS RUNNING FOR SENATE.  THAT’S GOTTA BEAT A WITCH RIGHT? My god Republicans in Delaware are a fucking joke.  From stupid italian tucker Carlson wannabees, to racist, corporate welfare enablers.   All of you.  Everyfuckingsingle one of you.   

There’s nothing to joke about anymore.  It’s real. Our nation is in trouble.  Truly.  There’s no solace in ranting about this current administration and the sycophants it’s birthed. It’s time for me to let go and move on.  I’m too weak from the hydroxychloroquine and disinfectant.

Can you fucking imagine?!  The president of the United States, stood at a podium on national television and suggested people inject fucking disinfectant.  Not Venezuela, Colombia, Peru, or some thug from the Balkans.  THE POTUS.  And Republicans tried to parse and dissemble his words as if it’s not what he said.  He’s literally pushing the country to open back up even though it kills hundreds of thousands.  And Republicans, evangelicals, are all like, “Hell yeah”.  If this doesn’t really scare you to your core, I have no more words for you.   Republicans are frauds.  They are Christian frauds.  They are scumbags.  They need to be eliminated from public office.  From the president on down to the school board.  Gone.  Bye.  Purged.  You are not fit to serve me, or my country.  Or Dakota.  She’s too good for you.  God that ass…

So again, I say It’s very real what is going on in the USA and Delaware.   What’s going on with her ass, and the country.  Very, very real.  Our nation is in trouble.  Action is necessary. Riots are justified.  We have to do what it takes, or things will be worse.  I hope people realize how dire the situation is.  Because it is dire.

Thank you everyone for entertaining me.  I’m truly grateful for your allowing me to pollute your minds with nonsense for over a dozen years. 

I will not rest in peace. 

Later bitches.