Who Will Win the Super Bowl? Let the Mascots Decide

Guest post by publisher emeritus Jason 330

When practicing the science of mascot matchups, it’s essential to filter out all football chatter and analysis, allowing the mascots to take center stage. This year, that’s a breeze because frankly, I don’t give a fuck about this Super Bowl. If I was Gitmo’ed into choosing a side, I suppose I’d go with the Chiefs solely because the captain of their cheerleading squad, Taylor Swift, gets under Tucker Carlson’s skin.

Oh shit, I realize I haven’t done this in a while, so some of you may need to catch up on the science behind mascot matchups and why it’s a reliable predictor of Super Bowl winners, take a moment to peruse the following discourse. https://delawareliberal.net/?s=mascot+matchup+

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Now, as outlined in the aforementioned scientific treatise, the process involves a scientific assessment of each mascot’s strengths and weaknesses, imagining how they would fare in a hypothetical battle. It is tricky and esoteric when pitting humans against birds, or horses vs birds, but this year is a straight up human v human showdown, which is typically dead easy.

First up, let’s scrutinize the Kansas City Chiefs, the last bastion of openly racist mascotry in US professional sports. Some may say, “Hold on there, Woke Police. The Chiefs pay homage to fierce and noble warriors.” To that I say, OK, and what about the tomahawk chop? Even KC fans regard it as a cringey rehash of the most demeaning stereotypes of native Americans. But hey, they make heap-big-wampum on the merch, though. So most Chief fans just down another firewater and let the paleface continue to speak with forked tongue. (If anyone is curious about how I could pull all that racist Tonto talk out of with such elan, I was raised by what social scientists called “the boob-tube” from 1965 to roughly 1980 and I can tell you it was an entertainment universe that was racist AF. That’s how I know the Kansas City Chiefs are racist AF. But enough about that, onto the science!

Since the arrival of Europeans on the shores of Jamestown, this match-up has followed a formulaic script: Whitey makes nice with the locals, then commences with the pillage and plunder. So, let’s just say you assembled a squad of allstar Chiefs, (Sitting Bull, Crazy Horse, Red Cloud, Geronimo, Cochise, and Chief Joseph.) How many wars did these guys collectively win? The answer is one. Take it away Wikipedia:

Red Cloud in 1865 led the opposition of Sioux, Cheyenne, and Arapaho when the U.S. government began to build and fortify a road from Fort Laramie, in present Wyoming. He intercepted the first contingents of army construction troops on the Bozeman Trail that summer, holding them prisoner for more than two weeks. Thereafter, he refused all offers to negotiate and relentlessly attacked workers along the route. The two-year harassment came to be known as Red Cloud’s War and did not end until the United States agreed to abandon all posts and to desist from any further effort to open the road. When the garrisons had finally been withdrawn and the forts burned, Red Cloud signed the Second Treaty of Fort Laramie (April 29, 1868), laid down his arms, and allowed himself to be settled on the Red Cloud Agency, in Nebraska.

I hope I don’t have to tell you what happened right after that treaty was signed and Red Cloud was unarmed…do I? So really, zero wins by the chiefs. And so, the 49ers will win this game.

Oh I know, I know… I once said this about the 49ers.

49ers are crusty kooks, who are dangerous because they have a wild card mentality as a result of living outside of normal society and flaunting our bourgeois conventions. Like the conventions against wearing the same underwear for three years or not having sex with your donkey.

But that was when they were matching up against the smartest bird in the bird kingdom and the science of mascot matchups correctly picked the Ravens to win (in spite of the edge given to the 49ers by bookmakers). This year, with the matchup against a human rival, you have to factor in the non-crazy 49ers – that is to say the money men from Boston and Levis jeans makers and infrastructure builders who flooded into California along with the crusty kooks.

You mean to tell me five decent warriors can defeat manifest destiny? Nope. No contest. Ignore the odds makers and sports talk. The science of mascot matchups reigns from on high.