Serious QOtD
I was chatting with my daughter this morning. I can’t exactly recall what started the conversation but my daughter started talking about a friend of hers and the familial issues going on. The mom and dad are fighting big time. The father is using drugs. They have a 7 year old son that has Asperger’s and the daughter over heard the father say that he never wanted another child and now they have this to deal with. This obviously meaning the handicap.
Things aren’t going well at all in the house and my daughter confessed that her friend, an 8th grader is using marijuana. She even confessed to me that she knows a lot ( I can’t qualify what “a lot” is) of people that do drugs. Even that she has been offered what sounded like more than once. My daughter goes to public school, but she was told me she was offered the drugs at a local catholic school dance. A brother of a friend of hers sells it apparently.
The girl that is using is your typical kid from my point of view at least. I have met the girl’s mother that my daughter said is using. In fact, the girl has slept over my house recently. That same evening of the sleep over my daughter and this girl went to the movies together. I later found out that they went into the movies and when the coast was clear bailed on the movies and walked around the Movies 10 area. I told the girls mother when I learned they had sneaked out and she was very appreciative that I had said something even going on to tell me more about she has caught her daughter doing similar things in the past. And, that she has lectured her about hanging out with the wrong crowd that is in that area. I felt it was my parental obligation to let her know what had happened while technically the child was under my authority.
The Question:
Should I tell the mother that my daughter told me that she is using drungs?
Yes, I think you should.
I think that you should not. Your daughter shared a confidence with you. If you violate that trust, you will never get another.
I might feel differently if the knowledge was something immediately life threatening, say talk of suicide.
You might discuss with your daughter whether she feels she should tell the friend’s mom. She will likely not want to, but she will better understand the dilemma you have right now.
If your daughter told you this, she probably expected you to pass it on to the girl’s mother; secrets spread mean that the spreader is trying to “unsecret” it.
Of course, if the father is using drugs, then it’s almost certain that the parents “know” that the daughter is toking, even if they don’t really want to know it. Thing is, if dad is using drugs, he probably doesn’t see anything wrong with them in the first place, and mom probably agrees, at least to some extent.
You could ask your daughter what she wants. Perhaps she told you because she wants you to do something to help her friend.
I like how you came around to EK’s response 🙂
I liked it too 🙂
I think that is what I will do.
Dana,
The dad apparently was “clean” before and has started back up again. So I’m not so sure it is accepted in the house. But you bring up an interesting point
I’ve got a different option for you — might YOU consider speaking to the girl in question? Especially given the situation at home, if you think there is any possibility that your daughter’s friend might face some sort of abuse.
Wow is it going to rain today? I actually agree with RWR 🙂 Wonders never cease. Just curious, how old is the girl in question?
8th grade.
hmmm, that is interesting option. I do not believe there is abuse going on. The mother has placed the child in the middle and has been discussing what the mother should do regarding leaving the father. The mother is treating the child as almost a peer.
I did ask if she was in counseling and my daughter said that she said she doesn’t want to go. I don’t know what the health care situation is either. Based on the work situation I doubt $125 an hour is an option though.
and after discussing with the Mrs. Viti wh is an expert in this area actually…
Based on me having ratting out my daughter and her friend the first time around for just bailing on a movie my daughter knows that I’m likely to tell the parent.
So, Dana looks to have given the closest thing to professional advice.
Coming late to the party, here…
Been in this situation. Since the mom already responded in a positive way to your first disclosure; and, since your daughter didn’t freak when you gave the mom the first disclosure, I go with Dana.
Additionally, I’d keep a rather close watch on my own child in this situtation. She also may be telling you that she needs help working various situations and occasions with her friend. She may be looking for her own way out, not of the friendship, but some stickiness that comes up.
Lots of talking might be needed here, Donviti. BTW, 8th grade is exactly when this happened at our house.
Clue of the Day: Your daughter didn’t tell you for you to keep it a secret. She needs you to fall on the sword so she can keep her friend.
Aren’t you supposed to be having “moments of clarity” ???
The good news is that I think you’re in the running for the 2010 Nobel.
Mom,
good call and I am on that as well 🙂
Mr Viti wrote:
[patting self on back] Well, I am a father, two girls, managed to get them both reared without getting pregnant or using drugs. Our older daughter completed Army Basic and AIT, and is in ROTC at Penn State, and the younger daughter just took her Oath of Enlistment last Thursday. I’m as proud as I can be of them.
you could have been more Obama like and said you don’t accept my praise
Well, I’d be more concerned that my own daughter was in an uncomfortable position. After all, she bailed on the movies, too.
Difficult age, isn’t it.
So are you implying that I’m not as concerned about my daughter? Are you saying that I should be? I don’t know if I’m getting your comment or the intent.
if there isn’t snark or anything in that comment my answer is:
Yes, I’m very concerned about my daughter. But, I am treating this other child as if it were my daughter too. Which is why I would want to be told if the shoe was on the other foot.
I’m less concerned about my own dauhter because of the conversation we were able to have. Still concerned of course, just my fears were somewhat alleviated as she isn’t the one in really bad shape and things I’m not sharing here.
No, no snark. I just have less faith than some that other families are really ready to address dysfunction, and if one of my children came to me with this (say, the 14 year old girl, or the 12 year old boy) my space would be more “Your friend is really dealing with a lot, isn’t she? How does it make you feel…that she has so much going on and kind of relies on you to vent about it? Even as an adult, I have trouble, sometimes, figuring out how much I should be involved when I know people have problems. Do you think there’s something I could do, maybe, to help out? How would you feel about my talking to her mother?” But I’m a mom, not a dad… we have a different style, usually.
I’ve often been surprised by the reactions of other parents to news of their childrens’ misdeeds. When the family behind me had teens, while the parents were out of town they threw one of those parties that the cops had to shut down. Mom’s reaction when I asked her about it (after they got back) was “Well, all teenagers do that.” Uh huh. So it didn’t bother you that your 14 year old daughter was slobbering drunk with a bunch of college boys? check. And worse, from other parents. So I’d fear the mother in this case would just use that information to blame the dad more, and that probably wouldn’t help the daughter.
I don’t assume teens tell you something because they want their buddies narked in, necessarily. I figure they mostly want to know you’re backing them up.
thank you for clarifying. we get a lot of comments around here and sometimes people are real you know whats. Including me 🙂
but yes, you bring up a real good point and one I have to consider for sure. sigh…
Really, really, late to this because this home is jumpin’ w/ all sorts of “teen things”…..
Couldn’t help but reflect on the decades of my little circle of adolescents “exposed” doing drugs.
The early 70’s–cops caught after hours field party and brought them home….parents said “what the heck are drugs?” and the priest handled an in-patient intervention. We wrote letters of
support and said Novenas.
The late 70’s–sibling ratted on sibling–interrupting their parents’ bridge game, came home and said “there will be no more of this, and don’t embarrass us again…” parents turn blind eye, figuring no major distraction of grades/peer group…word went out, we know what’s going on, and there is to be no more of this nonsense. Nonsense continued more discreetly, to eventual non-existence–or maybe maturity.
Early eighties–anonymous phone call to the house–do you know your child (again 8th grade!!)….click. Shocked relative did take the initiative to follow-up w/ a search and interrogation drill producing the incriminating results. To this day remains the struggle of a lifetime between those parents, and one kid who continued a downward love affair w/ drugs despite multiple rehabilitative efforts.
Most of the nineties in my world was not kids outright “experimenting”. I saw more a natural segue of incidental use in homes, that transpired to outright use by the kids. Parents proclaiming, they only smoked dope when the kids went to bed–or they only smoke in the garage.
So where are we now? Yea… parents smoke with kids…continue on with their lives, and talk a good game about everyone else and drugs, and how what they do (if you can get one to admit it), is at least control it to their domain, and usage is accorded the same respect as a glass of wine. I have a teen in my sphere of “influence” given a bong for her 16th birthday by grandma. Grandma may be as old as Grace Slick, but she’s pretty well passes as a typical grandma in any supermarket.
So Hef–gather your chickens. The deck is stacked. You better be having SIT DOWN family meals where it is clearly articulated just where drugs fit in the DV household. We live in a casual society now, where there is no reason you just couldn’t casually mention to the parent of the child who has spent the night at your house, “that geez..these kids are heading for rough waters…where are you guys with ABC….?’ You would be surprised how effortless the communication becomes. And yes, your daughter is counting on YOU to reconfirm her good choices, and “discussing”, not TELLING Mrs. So and So the reality game these kids are in.
But hey–let their child ride w/o a seatbelt, and they have DFS all over your lawn. Crazy world.